Eggshells or Estrangement: Not Much of a Choice

Here are two tales of estrangement. The first type is a parent cutting-off contact with a child following a divorce also referred to as parental alienation. The second is when an adult child ceases contact with a parent, sometimes for no apparent reason. This is especially agonizing when grandchildren are involved.

Researchers Gilligan, Suitor, and Pillemer‎’s studied estrangement and presented data in the August 2015 edition of the Journal of Marriage and Family.  One conclusion based on data from 2,013 mother-adult child dyads states, "The mother-daughter tie generally has been found to be the closest, most enduring, and mutually supportive of all parent-child gender combinations.” 

The Mother-Daughter Bond

Debora is a fifty-three year old nurse practitioner and mother of five living in Boston. She is estranged from her father and oldest brother, Jonathan. "My father had a temper and needed medication for mood disorders but never got them. He verbally abused my brother Mordy and me. After the divorce he said to us, "I don't need you; go to your mother and don't sit shiva for me." Deborah recounted, "I had such a lousy childhood because he stole it from me. The worst day of each year was camp visiting day; I dreaded it. There’s no hope of reconciliation and that is his loss. I might sit shiva for him though, because he did give me life.

“After my parents divorced, our house became a happy place. We coped by using humor, music and we attended therapy sessions. We laughed and acted hyper in the kitchen every night. We went through trauma together and got through it because my Mom, Mordy, and I had each other. ‎No one deserves more credit than Mom. Can you imagine the verbal and emotional abuse she endured and that she waited ten years for her Get, but she never badmouthed my father? She is selfless and kept all of her issues out of our view. At her recent birthday celebration, I proclaimed, Not only did my mother save our lives as drowning victims, she then taught us how to swim.” 

Deborah described, "Our oldest brother was brainwashed by our father and turned against us. I have the opposite perspective in describing Jonathan compared to my father. My lack of connection with my brother hurts me and touches a place deep in my heart. Ten years ago we were so scared because my brother was the victim of a life-threatening car accident. Even though we were estranged, my mother and I visited him in Massachusetts General Hospital. As we entered the hospital we were petrified: what if we would lose him? I held in my hand, the invitation to my wedding which would take place the following month, thinking it would give him something to live for. Can you believe it? He was rude to us and we felt no connection. Despite that I continued texting him for months to say happy birthday or Shana Tova. There were no replies until one day he wrote "don't text this number again." I admit, Dr. Singer, that I am quite resentful, but I daven that he should get better. I think to myself, it is over two decades of this nonsense, just get over it! Don't carry this into the next generation; get help and move on. It hurts because I care."

Debora concludes, "I live each day of my life to the fullest. I thank Hashem and appreciate that I have my large wonderful family. I run from arguments and stress. Thanks to my mother, Mordy and I have the necessary coping skills."

Cut-Off by Your Adult Child

To understand an adult child estranging a parent requires the expertise of Dr. Joshua Coleman author of When Parents Hurt. He asserts, "You can be a good parent and still end up with a child who wants nothing to do with you." Many parents have little or no contact with their adult children due to reasons that have less to do with poor parenting and more to do with issues of child temperament, the influence of a domineering spouse, or the fallout from parents who divorce. In my experience, a significant number of adult children who cut off contact with their parents are those described by the parent as "good” children who were not rebellious and did well in school.

What’s at the core of this type of estrangement? Blaming parents is one way to direct the blame away from the self and maintain a sense of self-esteem. Pathologizing their parents may be the only way to reduce the guilt or anxiety they feel about constructing a life without their parents involved.

During a Skype counseling session, Judy, a Houston-based real estate agent revealed to me, that her adult daughter will not accept any phone calls or texts from her. Her daughter sees a therapist weekly who likely nurtures this emotional cut-off. ‎Her emails end with Do Not Initiate Contact. “Do you know how much that hurts me?” Judy adds, "I really can’t think of a reason why this estrangement started in the first place."

I advise parents who I counsel to tread cautiously and if necessary walk on eggshells. ‎The real reason is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: your future grandchildren. You do not want to do anything to jeopardize your connection to your precious future generations.  

When parents believe that it's all their own fault Coleman maintains, "Don't give your child all the power in this discussion. You did the best that you could in parenting. If your child won't move forward, you move forward.‎ Simply ask your children, "What did I miss when raising you?" and then state: “whatever it is, I'm sorry."

I extrapolated nine action steps from Coleman's writings:

1. Do not sugar-coat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are, the more credibility you will gain.

‎2. If there is only a kernel of truth in your child's complaint, speak to that kernel.

3. Avoid guilt trips, they don’t work.

4. Hear your child out, don’t be defensive.

5. Don't give up too soon. You may need to reach out for a long time before you see an improvement in the relationship. 

6. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. 

7. If you don't want to (or cannot) give money or help, say it in a loving way so it does not appear to be a complaint or a criticism. 

8.‎ Don't criticize your child's spouse or significant other. 

9. Don't tell your child how to parent. You had your turn; let him/her have a turn.

Cut-Offs are a Form of Giving-Up

Colorado therapist Michele W. Davis is a colleague and an inspiration. At an in-service for couples therapist's she urged: If you want to help couples reconnect and have hope, you have to walk the talk. Don't allow yourself to have emotional cut-offs in your life. ‎Don't give yourself permission to quit speaking to a parent, sibling, or a child. Don't give up on any difficult relationship. Emotional cut-offs are a form of giving up. They happen when you tell yourself that nothing will ever change and you’re better off safe than sorry. Even if you feel safer, you know that there is a sadness which goes along with giving up and it is ever-present. Life eventually gives all of us important opportunities to learn how to rise above adversity. 

The navi best expresses the hopes of Klal Yisrael: “Behold, I will send you Eliyahu HaNavi before the coming of the great and awesome day of Hashem. And He shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents” (Malachi 3:23-24).

Dr. Alan Singer, a marriage therapist since 1980, has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink. He counsels via Skype, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). His motto: I am the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. Married for 39 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He serves on the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists   dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

When Your Child Asks if It’s Ok to Bungee Jump Off One of the Highest Bridges in the World....

What irked me most about J F Boylan’s Op-Ed in the NY Times was the statement "It's impossible for me and all those other parents, not to want to shield our young from the many accidents we know are waiting for them".

 

So I responded to the Editor:

Intriguing how Ms. Boylan intertwines themes of parental responsibility as it pertains to thrill-seeking adventures and then love, as it pertains to her gender decision. A parent’s primary responsibilities are safety and protection; love and respect are secondary. If Ms. Boylan believes that “many accidents are waiting” for her children, then for God’s sake she should do her job as a parent and instill in them an understanding of recreation and adventure that excludes bungee jumping and sky-diving. When my adult children explore the world, I know they’ll research shark-cage diving and understand the waters are “chummed” to incite sharks into a feeding frenzy. They’ll surely have the common sense to go swimming in a different risk pool.

 

 

 



Predicting the End to Grandparenthood?

The occasion of my 40th high school reunion, was a chance to reflect on two things: how my classmates and I have aged and how almost none of my high school friends have grandchildren. As we mingled and shared family photos, classmates were showing toddler and teen photos of their children; I alone was showing photos of my grandchildren.

Why the dichotomy?

The lack of grandchildren is explained by simple math. In delaying marriage and childbirth significantly, my generation of boomers has thought it natural to wait until 35 or even 40 to marry and start a family. Careers, freedom to travel, searching for the perfect soul-mate are some of the common reasons for delaying…settling down. With life expectancy for men at 76 and women at 81, the odds of having much meaningful time with your grandchildren are slim indeed, if your adult child follows your example and delays marriage to 35 or older. The disappearance of grand-parenting would be a great loss for American families.

There are some serious consequences to delayed childbearing in addition to missing out on grandparenthood and they are: augmented infertility, which leads to elevated multiple births, which leads to increased rates of pre-term births and C-sections.

If my high school classmate got married at age 35 and her child is waiting until 35 to have her first child, then we’re about 12 years too early to be seeing pictures of her grandchildren, because just about everyone at the reunion was 58 years old.

People are passionate about this topic. Comments from outraged readers to a column that I authored on the consequences of delayed child-bearing include: “Pushy, busy-body parents of grown children continue to nag and harass them into having children they don’t want…ever consider that spawning is not the end-all and be-all of marriage, let alone of life?” Another reader declared, “Parents need to butt out of their children’s lives and if that means they don’t get any grandchildren, so be it.”

Hmmm, do you think I touched a nerve? What did I say that produced these reactions? I said that when parents are approached by their married adult children who say they plan to delay starting a family in order to establish their careers, own a home, and have fun traveling, the parents should not keep their opinions to themselves and say, do your own thing. At the risk of seeming like meddlers, parents should warn their adult children in strong terms that there are serious consequences to the decision of delaying child-bearing.

In my book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size, I encourage couples to proceed slowly and thoughtfully with their family size decision. In short: as many or as few, as long as you think it through.

The scenario that most concerns me and repeats itself when I counsel older couples is as follows: In order to make up for lost time and because a couple has a pre-determined family size, couples who delay child bearing until age 35 or older, will have rapid-fire children that are barely 15 months apart. That’s detrimental for the Mom’s health, family well-being and most of all the parents’ marriage. A space of 2-3 years between children is most beneficial.

Seeing my grandchildren is an affirmation that my wife and I have done a pretty decent job of parenting, which is demonstrated by our adult children deciding to start their own families. I’m no expert after five years of grandfathering, but I believe that the end to grand parenting would leave an enormous black hole in our emotional universe.

Dinner Time, Shminner Time, as Long as You Connect With Your Children

A recent NY Times Op-Ed pointed out that the benefits of family dinners aren’t as strong or as lasting as previous studies suggest. Authors Meier and Musick, who published their research in the well-respected Journal of Marriage and the Family, thankfully stopped short of claiming that family dinners don’t affect family well-being at all. The benefits might not be as strong as previously thought…..but there are still benefits! It’s our old friend “causality” that wrecks the party. Everyone’s having a grand old time until a researcher comes along and tries to PROVE that something CAUSES something else. That’s when the lifeguard blows the whistle and yells, everyone out of the pool (can you tell this is a summer-time Blog Post?). You can read the Op-Ed (click here) and judge for yourself or just rely on my Cliff Notes below, since it’s dinner time soon and I recommend that you turn off all electronic items and go enjoy dinner together with your family. KEY: “Given that eating is universal and routine, family meals offer a natural opportunity for parental influence: there are few other contexts in family life that provide a regular window of focused time together.” “If you aren’t able to make the family meal happen on a regular basis, don’t beat yourself up: just find another way to connect with your kids.”

How Can Over-Protective Parenting Cause an Injury?

On a playground slide….that’s how. “Orthopedic specialists say they treat a number of toddlers and young children each year with broken legs as a result of riding down the slide on a parent’s lap.” In Tara Parker-Pope’s piece on this surprising risk, she quotes Jed Dickman, whose 18 month old toddler’s sneaker got caught on the side of the slide, resulting in a fractured tibia. “My wife was just trying to keep Hannah extra safe and make sure she didn’t fall; she felt very guilty about it.”

What’s the upshot?

This may be one of those counter intuitive situations when a child is actually safer by herself. During the summer, have fun and be safe!

Insensitive Research ? Video #11

Research is research....no? If it's valid and reliable, it should be quotable....right? Does it also need to be "sensitive" to its readership?

The diversity of the new American family means that less than half of U.S. families are now headed by a married couple. I was shocked when my publisher required me to remove this irrefutable research finding: "The best environment in which to raise children is two biological parents in a low conflict marriage."

He felt that since most American families are no longer headed by married couples, I needed to be sensitive to the family size needs of the majority of my potential readers. And so I removed that research finding from the final draft of Creating Your Perfect Family Size.

"The Price of Progeny" Superbly Connects Family Size With Family Well Being

Robin Schwartz is not only a talented TV anchor for Fox in Detroit, she is also a skilled free-lance writer for Red Thread, which is the monthly magazine of the Detroit Jewish News.

Click here to read her excellent piece on Family Size Decisions which cites my book.

She brings a deeply personal perspective to the discussion of family size decisions. Click here to watch her own family struggle with infertility that won her a well-deserved Emmy award. She spent long hours on the interview, writing, and editing of this essay. Then the Red Thread graphics department spun their magic and the end result is a superb article....THANK YOU Robin!

God, Spouse, & Children....in That Order

When Melinda Spaulding, anchor at Fox 26 Houston, asked me what I think of that prioritization (her mother's quote) she caught me off guard. After a moment of reflection, I agreed with her and praised her mother for her insight.

Not all the Book Tour interviews were that intuitive, but each was an unforgettable experience.

When Monica Malpass invited me to WPVI in Phili, I had no idea that we would be shooting the interview outdoors on a 95 degree day in June (photo by Zahava Singer). The camera man only had to stop twice and ask...."Dr. Singer, would you like to wipe the sweat off your forehead before we continue? Then Monica worked her editing magic for what I believe is a terrific segment on family size decisions. As much as I was sweating, taping is a much more relaxing experience than a live interview.

Click below at your own risk because my children tell me.....Dad, after a while, all the interviews start to sound the same!

Chicago

Philadelphia

Washington D.C.

Houston

Shreveport

Milwaukee

San Antonio

Your Life's Work Summarized in 3 Minutes

As you can see from these links, the book tour is well under way. My experience in TV has been limited but apparently, all of life needs to be placed into 3 minute segments because that is what holds peoples' attention.

Above (embedded) is the WXYZ-Detroit segment. The anchor in Fox59 Indianapolis (see below) was sharp and concise. He read the back cover of my book which says that (Singer) made it his life's work to study, treat.......and began the segment with the words that are above in the title of this blog post.

If you live near central NJ, you are invited to the Highland Park Library at 7pm on June 14 for the Author Talk.....click here

Here is the recent Home News Tribune article about the book (yes that is where my monthly column is published).

For the Highland Park Mirror article, click here.

And last, but not least....Here is Fox59....aka my Life's Work in 3 minutes.

Your comments are always welcome.
PS: Many of you have purchased the book and I give you a million thanks. If you have a minute, please go to Amazon and post a comment. Thank you.

Where Skill and Enjoyment Part Ways...Video #10

The "parenting" self-test questions in my book
are addressed in video #10. Water ski guy dealt with you-the-individual; washing machine guy discussed your marriage and you as a couple. For couples who already have a child, these category three questions cover two key (and different) elements:

Are you a good parent? (skills, ability, diligence)

Do you really enjoy parenting? (pleasurable, rewarding, satisfying)

Those are two very different questions, and the responses will impact your family size decision.

Cinematic Note: video #10 wins the “Where’s Waldo?” award. Few people can tell where I am and what I’m doing. Answer: in the garage pouring wiper fluid into to the hood of my car…I’m sure you were plotzing to know that!

What Do Family Size and Harry Potter Have in Common?

The book presentation/signing at Nighthawk Books in Highland Park, N.J. was unforgettable….and Mr. Steven Hart, the owner was terrific and couldn’t have been more accommodating.

Favorite Question of the Day: Asked by a married woman in her 50’s who has children and grandchildren……"Dr. Singer, is it presumptuous to give Creating Your Perfect Family Size to newlyweds as a gift?" Great question: I am going to give that one some thought. I am clearly more prepared for questions concerning the inside of the book than I am about the outside.

Click here for some other photos from the Asbury Park Press

USA Today’s Sharon Jayson Cites Dr. Singer in Her Cover Story on Family Size

Sharon Jayson wrote another excellent column and this time it discusses my favorite topic, family size. Click here to read her column from this past Friday and be sure to join in the lively discussion by submitting your comment. Here is my latest comment on their website:

It never ceases to amaze me how a simple conversation about how many children one should have....and what goes into the thinking behind that crucial decision, quickly degrades into a tirade about welfare and government subsidies. In my book that Sharon cited in her article, I guide couples through their decision process via 92 self-test questions. This is a personal and crucial decision. And most Americans when surveyed agree that every couple should be able to have as many or as few children as they want.
Alan Singer


For those of you in New Jersey, I’ll be doing a presentation/book signing at Nighthawk books in Highland Park at 2pm….hope to see you there.
And…….Happy Mother’s Day!!!(where applicable)

Menlo Park Mall Book Sales Enhanced by Silver Jag in Background....New Feature: Favorite Book Question of the Day

You know how important product placement is these days folks.....well I placed my product right in front of the Silver Jaguar on display and it did the trick. Barnes and Noble at Menlo was just terrific and they are the only store in Central NJ (and this continent) to have actual autographed books for sale.

It was Mom's Night Out at the Mall and there were mostly Mom's enjoying the atmosphere of free food samples, makeovers, and ear piercing Lady Gaga songs played by a DJ. But there were a lot of couples chillin in the mall tonight, so as they walked by, I would just shout out, "Hey Sir.....handle the family size decision first and she'll be more amenable to you buying that jag" (OK, I did that twice in 3 hours).

Favorite Book Question of the Day: A woman in her late 20's described: My close friend wanted a first child real badly and her husband wasn't exactly on board but then turned out to be a great Dad anyway. She wants a lot more kids for sure, she says. I am wondering Dr. Singer.....if I buy your book and give it to them, will she be mad at me because he'll read all your self-test questions and start thinking over the decision too much?

Marriage Makes You Mentally-Physically-Financially-Healthier….Children Are Another Story...video #9

Video #9 is about the self-test questions that pertain to your marriage. The research is plentiful…...marriage gives individuals numerous benefits that parenting does not (an excellent resource is the book, "The Case for Marriage"). Parents must have couples time to insure a solid relationship. They need weekly date nights, occasional weekend getaways, and to be close to extended family to save $$$ on babysitting.

Please don’t think that you can put your marriage on hold from childbirth to when you are empty nesters! A child-centered family is at risk for marital problems. Nurturing your marriage benefits your child (children).

Two Central NJ Book Events This Week

To my friends, neighbors, and colleagues: I want to thank all of you who have called and/or emailed me this week for the launching (by Wiley) of my book Creating Your Perfect Family Size. Your enthusiasm and good wishes are uplifting. The first two discussion/book signings are taking place this week in Central New Jersey.

Thursday May 5 6-8pm near the Barnes and Noble in the Menlo Park Mall, Edison

Sunday May 8 (Happy Mother’s Day!) 2-3pm Nighthawk books, Highland Park

I look forward to seeing you.

PS: please visit http://www.youtube.com/dralansinger if you are curious how a middle age man endeavors to sell books using social media

It's All About Me.....Then We.....Then 3 (video #8)

I use my favorite sport in video #8 to make the following point: having a child means changes to "your life" not totally abandoning "your life". The self test questions found throughout my book are provided to help YOU make your decision because there is no one-size-fits-all.....perfect family size. It's up to you both to design what's perfect for your family.

The first group of self-test questions help you look at and evaluate YOU the Individual. We want you to be in good shape before you have a (another) child.

Small Request: for those of you who have already purchased the book....Thank You so much! Would you be kind enough to go to the Amazon and/or Barnes and Noble website and write your comments on the book. Thanks again

What's the Ideal Number of Children & other waste-of-time Questions.....Video #7

"What's the Ideal Number of Children?" is a great research question for the Gallup Poll** to ask.....but a waste of time for thoughtful couples to ask.

**See P. 71 of my book for 60 years of responses from individuals who answered that question.

So, What's the perfect family size? As many or as few.......(did you watch the video yet?)

Personal Note: My Dad bought me and helped me set up my first fish tank back in the 60's and I've kept up the hobby ever since. In the video you can see guppies, platties, and catfish. I assume you were plotzing to know that.

Onlies Are Lonely and Other Mistruths...Video #6

Only children are not lonelier.
Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you married (Dr. Frank Pittman)
You can't have everything, where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Here is how biology works; You have 1 child and you receive a new title---parent.
Here is how psychology works: How do you feel about being parents?

If parenting is "ok" and you are not all that thrilled with it....Don't-Please-Don't let anyone's comment like, you'll want to give her a little brother, won't you? influence you.

Video #6 makes the point that only children are NOT social misfits. They are wonderful, normal, and happy children. Don't have another child because of external pressures. Only do it because of your internal desire for another child.

In Creating a Family and Catching a Wave, Timing is KEY...Video #5

Timing is the keyword I stress more than any other throughout the book. Don’t waste time asking yourself, “How many total children do we want?” or “What is the ideal number of children in a family?” Those aren’t decisions you should be making. Timing is THE decision you must make; together and carefully.

The key question: Is now the best time for us to have a (another) child?

Personal Note: As embarrassed as my children are that Dad is wearing his wetsuit for this book trailer, Mr. Noah Wolfe, foremost expert on social media in North America stated, “Pops, this video has legs”. Let’s see what happens Noah!

Who Am I to Judge A Couple's Reasons? Video #4

What right do I have to advocate for The One Best Reason to have another child?

"To carry on the family name" "To be just like other couples" and "To care for me when I'm old" are very common responses to the question, What is the reason you had a child?

Here's who I am......I have helped couples fix their marriages for 3 decades. In video #4 I make this point: If the reason you are having another child is because you have a son and are now trying for a daughter, you have a 50% chance of success. Since children (on average) tend to decrease marital satisfaction, I want your marriage to have a much better chance than 50%!

Personal Note: On the right end of the piano is a photo of my Dad, Joseph Singer(of blessed memory) author of the quote that starts my book, "When all else fails, read the directions."