Boredom in Marriage is More Concerning than Marital Conflict

At the beginning of a relationship, everything about your partner seems new and exciting. Your spouse’s stories are fascinating and their jokes are funny. Your time spent together is fun and enjoyable simply because it’s time spent together.

Newsflash: those feelings don't last forever. Life happens. Work obligations and children get in the way. Marriages start at their high point and a decline in relationship satisfaction is inevitable after that. The first months of marriage are the happiest, but the intensity of positive feelings that characterizes the honeymoon stage, is simply unsustainable. The magic dissipates and boredom quietly casts its gray pall. Do not ignore boredom in an intimate relationship.  

 

Meaning

Meaning is necessary in social processes. An absence of meaning in an activity or circumstance, leads to an experience of boredom. This is a restless, irritable feeling that the subject’s current activity or situation holds no appeal, and that there is a need to get on with something interesting.

 

Marriage is Not a Passion-fest

What makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small and often boring nonprofit business (L. Gottlieb 2008).

 

Brain Stimulation Ebbs

Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, studied brain activity of loving couples as they lay in an FMRI machine. She observed that the end of infatuation is grounded in brain physiology. The brain cannot eternally maintain the revved-up state of romantic bliss created by the brain’s natural stimulants which are amphetamine-like substances. The duration of romantic love from the moment infatuation clutches to when a ‘feeling of neutrality’ for one’s love object began is between eighteen months and three years. If you want a situation where you and your long-term partner can still get excited about each other, you will have to work on it, because you are bucking a biological tide (H. Fisher 1992).

                             Marital Boredom Impacts Marital Satisfaction

Research findings by Elizabeth Muturi, published in the International Journal of Psychology 2023, describe boredom in marriage as influencing the spouses’ behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. This includes reducing positive and increasing negative interactions, lowering mood, and even impairing judgment. Boredom can impact physical and mental health. Things start to look boring once everything becomes repetitive and predictable. They say variety is the spice of life, yet sharing your life with just one person contradicts that. Sadly, when people start to crave something new, it opens the door to infidelity.

Boredom is Worse than Conflict

We therapists, are better equipped to tackle the issue of marital conflict than marital boredom. We implore couples to use and listen for repair statements to de-escalate conflict. We teach couples to use soft start-up rather than harsh start-up and that “I” statements evoke empathy and “you” statements evoke defensiveness. We stress compromise: neither partner wins it all; neither loses it all. 

J Gottman’s research indicates that all couples fight; it is inevitable. The key is to learn how to fight smart, so that spouses don't hurt each other. Although fighting with your partner is never pleasant, research shows that when conflict is managed in a healthy and productive way, it can actually lead to deeper understanding and an improved relationship.

How to Overcome Boredom in Marriage

 It is neither spouse’s responsibility to entertain or play the role of activities director for their partner. It is both of their responsibilities.

Seven recommendations:

Enhance the quality and quantity of your communication. Do not just “find” the time to be together, “make” the time. Seek counseling because sadly, less than 10% of divorcing couples talk to anyone at all about their marital challenges.

Share new and meaningful experiences together. The pursuit of meaning is more important than the pursuit of happiness because it is enduring. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. Think outside the box!

Spice up intimacy. If you and your spouse lack physical and/or emotional intimacy, your entire relationship will be affected. Find a certified sex therapist and start sessions to keep things between you as fresh as possible.

Straightforward conversation starts with “I”. “I” statements evoke empathy such as, I am feeling like we are in a rut.

Intertwine good mental health with good physical health. Focus on the triangle of health: Diet-make nutritious food together and make it fun. Exercise-join the gym and go together. Utilize good sleep hygiene.

Make a life of your own outside of your marriage. Have your own friends, hobbies, and interests. If you choose to stand still while the world keeps spinning on, you are without a doubt going to grow bored of your life.

Play and adventure are vital components of a successful and joyous relationship. Too often, we put “play” at the end of our to-do list. Recent data from Dr. John Gottman: 41,000 couples were asked what they fight about and 86% responded, not having fun anymore.  

Don’t Pass Down the Marital Boredom ‘Gene’ to Your Children!

In today’s highly scheduled families, many parents and children seem to be losing their ability to just hang out together. Unaccustomed to entertaining themselves, children complain of being bored, and parents feel responsible for entertaining them. The children reject the recommendations of their “recreation director” parents, get antsy and irritable and throw themselves into mindless television-watching or other types of screen time. Boredom is an accepted part of adolescence. Developmental and contextual factors are likely to conspire to increase boredom during adolescence which leads to health-risk behaviors. A study of 100K teenagers from 2008 to 2017 indicates that boredom has been steadily increasing among adolescents, with greater increases among girls (Journal of Adolescent Health, March 2020). Think: precursor to marital boredom?

Talmudic sages mandated an engagement period before marriage. The Tanoyim marriage agreement formalizes the man and woman’s commitment to each other. The sages understood that the nature of marriage is the magic tends to dissipate. It begins with the words “May good success rise and spring up as the plants in a watered garden.” Enduring marriage must be nurtured rather than to “coast” on the initial excitement. Enjoying the company of our loved ones is a skill. Practice makes perfect, and it’s never too early to start practicing!

Your Fifty Day Marital Survival Guide by Dr. Alan Singer

 

Join me in taking an aggressive approach to saving marriages during this seemingly endless coronavirus pandemic. Many U.S. scientists believe that the peak has passed and in fifty days our lives should significantly improve. Fact? No. But whatever we’re short with facts, let’s make up for in optimism. There are no assurances about when social distancing will end. 

 

Our collective loss of control escalates our anxiety level. Heightened anxiety fans the sparks of disagreement and can magnify them into full scale arguments. One of the couples that I counsel commented, "Fifty more days...it will be a miracle if our marriage last fifty more minutes!"

 

Rest assured that if you threaten divorce (or actually initiate divorce steps) in the midst of this tragic pandemic, you will most likely regret it down the road. Blow off some steam by doubling your exercise regimen on the step-master, not by abruptly reversing the most important decision of your life - your marital commitment. Here it is, short and blunt: the ABC's of sustaining your marriage for the next fifty days. 

 

Ø > > A < < <

 

Avoid judgmental questions and harsh start-ups effective today.

Here is a neutral question: Debbie what time is it?

Here is a judgmental question: Is this how much coffee you normally drink at work? The difference is clear. Maintain some distance between you and your spouse during work hours and avoid snooping around or being nosey.  

 

Avoid “you” statements because they evoke defensiveness. Use “I” statements because they evoke empathy.  

Try this: I am overwhelmed and can use your help now. 

Not this: You never lift a finger to help me.  

 

Use A soft start-up like this: I feel like I've been stuck in the kitchen alone all week rather than a harsh and judgmental one such as: I'd faint if you ever helped me make dinner.   

 

Avoid disagreement escalation. Use repair attempts such as "Wait, let me rephrase that." Dr. Eileen Feliciano wisely suggests, "Don't show up at every argument that you are invited to".  

 

A winning rule of thumb: If your goal is family well-being in a respectful partnership, then before you say or do something to your spouse ask yourself, is what I am about to say or do going to bring me closer or further from my goal? If further---STOP Yourself (Michelle Weiner Davis).  

 

Ø > > B < < <

 

Be the first to use these three words and use them liberally: Appreciation – Affection – Admiration. These words are a win-win for marriage.  

 

B is for respecting boundaries and one another’s space. Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggested last week "Creating a safe space can help people to feel in control so they feel happy instead of helpless...or even hostile" (NY Times 4-13-20). Another superb Fisher-ism is: Don't invoke the golden rule (Do unto Others) rather use the platinum rule---Do unto your spouse as she wants to have done for her.  

 

Space is more than just having elbow room. "Space and privacy have emerged as a class divide; more valuable than ever to those who have it and potentially fatal to those who don't (NY Times 4-13-20).   

 

The final B is to give your spouse the Benefit of the doubt.  Whether you call it "money in your emotional bank account" or "positive sentiment override" (Dr. John Gottman) your go-to position needs to be: My spouse means well; these are dreadful circumstances that we are in together. They’re not mean intentions.  

 

Ø > > C < < <

 

I am calling for a fifty day moratorium on Criticism of each other's character! We must stop ourselves. If you have a complaint about a specific behavior of your spouse, state that simply and civilly.  

Say this: We need to work together for thirty minutes daily to keep order here. 

Not this: I never realized how big a slob you are. 

 

Commit yourselves and your children to a daily routine.  

 

Commit yourselves to the triangle of health----Sleep-Nutrition-Exercise. 

These aren't suggestions...they are essential!

 

Couples don’t need to think alike…but they need to think together (R. Ralph Pelcovitz, obm).

Ø > > D < < <  

 

Decide that you will put meaningful effort into your marriage and keep the “D” word off the table and out of any conversations. Now is the time to protect your marriage; there will be plenty of time later if you choose the “D” route. 

 

Do the best that you can; Don't keep score.

 

Don't institute or eliminate any major rules especially with children.  

 

Don't make any major decisions especially something as substantial as whether or not to have another child in the future.  

 

Do seek out professional marital advice using video counseling from a licensed therapist. Don't wait out the fifty days thinking that things might work themselves out; they just might not.  

 

Most importantly---DO BE Forgiving. Whether you are married three years or three decades, you must understand and actualize this: Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a decision!

 

###

 

Mental Health Wellness Tips for the Corona Quarantine

I hope you find this description of coping as useful as I do.

CORONA-VIRUS: HOW TO COPE    by Eileen M Feliciano, PsyD

MENTAL HEALTH WELLNESS TIPS FOR QUARANTINE

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self-acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, and group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

Dralansinger@gmail.com    732 572-2707   FamilyThinking.com

Turbulent Marriages Are Threatened by Trump vs. Clinton Feuding

 

A growing number of unhappy couples are having heated arguments about Trump versus Clinton and, as a result are now making appointments for marriage counseling. It is no surprise given that the American Psychological Association just concluded that half of U.S. adults say this election is a significant source of stress. In fact, half of the couples I counsel place political arguments at the top of their sparring list. ‎ I haven't seen this many political arguments in my career as a couple’s therapist. There has not been so much dissatisfaction and stress as with presidential candidates Trump and Clinton. The problem is not as simple as spouses stating, let's just agree to disagree. If it were, marriage counseling wouldn’t be needed. Here’s how I have tailored my guidance for conflict resolution skills for these couples.

The fundamental truth is that each couple has the instinctive skills to solve their own problems and cultivating and nurturing those skills may be my most important role as a therapist. ‎It is imperative to change the habitual patterns of unfair arguments. Most couples know how to de-escalate as well as how to escalate a disagreement. These Clinton/Trump disagreements turn into raging arguments that go for weeks and escalate at the risk of causing long-term damage. The wife yells at her husband, you are an arrogant thick conservative just like your father, and the husband sneers back, it’s no wonder you support Hillary because you are both lying liberals. When she shouts, he is insane and I don't know how I ever married him and they question each other's character, the situation spirals out of control. What started as a disagreement over political viewpoints is threatening the fabric of their marriage.

The first priority is for me to assess their communication. I ask them to continue their argument in front of me for 20 minutes while I study their facial expressions, body language, tone and the volume of their voices. After a glimpse of their sparring style, it is time to get to work and tone down the harmful rhetoric. 

These are the four treatment steps that seem to be most helpful:

Number 1: Teach couples how to de-escalate by calling a time-out when things get heated and they both get flooded. A time-out can’t be for five minutes because that is not enough time to calm down. Try an hour or a day or a week or just table the whole discussion and lock it in a cabinet. If the couple doesn’t calm down quickly and speak in a normal tone of voice, I apply some pressure by asking, you have ten years invested in your marriage and two children and you are ready to flush it down the drain for political differences? Last, who dreamed up that you have to resolve all your marital differences before bedtime each night? It is preferable for couples not to go to sleep angry, but resolving all differences is an unrealistic goal. Do you know what spouses should do each night? Express respect, affection, and appreciation to each other; tomorrow is another day.
Number 2: I re-focus the couple back to the topic of politics and not each other's character. I establish a ground rule: No personal attacks on your spouse in any shape or form. Otherwise this “external” conflict devolves into an “internal” struggle. Keep it on the outside; keep it external. It cannot be allowed into the inner sanctum where you store feelings, emotions, hopes, and dreams for you, your spouse and family. 
Number 3: I insist couples understand the difference between a disagreement and an argument. Disagreements are normal and common in healthy long-lasting marriages. ‎ Arguments, especially those that are scorching, are not. I reference the indispensable research of Psychologist Dr. Jon Gottman. Gottman found that two thirds of relationship issues in normal couples are perpetual. Examples of the most common disagreements are: parenting, money, work stress, intimacy, in-laws, and household chores. In his "love lab", Gottman discovered that it is the "regulation" of conflict not the "resolution" of conflict that is critical. 
Number 4: I remind each couple of the marital commitment they made in front of family, friends, and God. It is not a commitment as-long-as the love is strong, or as-long-as our political views remain in-sync rather it is a commitment No Matter What. Too often these days, commitments are like Velcro, it holds well but is easy to pull apart (Professor Bill Doherty).  Commitment is crucial as we humans are evolving and dynamic. Circumstances change; life happens. Just because you don’t have an in-law issue this year, doesn't mean you won’t next year. After all, your mother-in-law might move in with you. You don't argue about parenting your toddlers currently, but have you prepared yourself for adolescence? Not arguing about finances now is great, but what if you are laid off in an economic downturn?

As a last resort ‎I give couples an ultimatum that they must tone down the rhetoric, halt the character attacks, and start repairing immediately. I don't have a crystal ball, but I will predict that if you both continue down this road, you will likely destroy your marriage. The consequences of that choice not only impacts you both but doubles the chances that your children will get divorced.

Final note: This is a disagreement that will not end on November 8 with the presidential election. One candidate will be the winner; the other the loser. In a scorekeeping relationship which is as common as it is detrimental, one spouse will believe that he/she is the winner of the argument. ‎If the losing spouse rubs it in for months with quotes like I told you this is the kind of president she will be, it is a recipe for continued provocation and friction. Also, keep in mind that marriage is not a 50-50 arrangement. Do you know how to really win big? By giving more in your marriage, not by taking more.

Ferris_Wheel Relationship Can Doom Your Marriage

Do the ups and downs of your marriage feel like an amusement park ride?
Does this unending relationship cycle ring a bell: Trouble Begins > Meltdown > Silent Treatment > Cooling Off > Conversation Restarts > Back to So-Called “Normal”.

When I counsel couples who fit this profile, I label the pattern: a Ferris_Wheel Relationship. The biggest problem is that a seemingly benign cyclical pattern may, in fact, be on the precipice of a disaster. After the silent treatment, nothing substantial ever changes and most couples simply resume their lives in order to achieve a modicum of normalcy. In this column, I will describe the biggest danger that I see with this quite non-amusing ride and provide four steps for couples to utilize in remedying this type of relationship.

The Cycle
The Ferris_Wheel Relationship is no stranger in my three decades of counseling couples. An outsider might observe the ups and downs and quip….no relationship is perfect; if they stayed together for all these years, then it must work for them. But that is simply not true and this uninterrupted pattern of ups and downs can be catastrophic to a marriage. The main reason is that one spouse, feeling trapped by the cycle, often secretly plans an exit strategy from the Ferris wheel. Benchmarks in life that motivate spouses to plan their exit include: the transition to empty nesting and stay-at-home Moms who return to the workplace.

Don’t be complacent and think: what comes down will always go up. When the surprised spouse (often the husband) hears “I want out”, he may scramble (trying to use marriage counseling) to repair the damage done but it is often too little and too late. Researchers have shown that two thirds of divorcing couples do not receive even one hour of counseling.

The Repair Strategy
What should couples do if their relationship is spinning like a Ferris_Wheel? And when is the best time in the cycle to strive for a change? The Ferris_Wheel analogy provides these answers. When you’re on top of the ride (for obvious reasons) no one exits or enters. But alas, when you are on the bottom, that’s your opportunity. It’s a win-win strategy because things can’t get any worse.

Unlike a Ferris_Wheel, where you discharge and admit passengers, in a relationship, you have the chance to discharge some harmful habits and welcome aboard some constructive ones. Please heed this warning: when you hit bottom…..you must change something! No one seeks out a marriage therapist when you’re riding on top of the world, because who wants to dredge up painful feelings? People don’t do much soul-searching or self-improvement when things are just peachy.

Each time the Ferris_Wheel spins around and nothing changes is a missed opportunity. You never know how many chances you’ll get before your spouse takes action to free him/herself from the unrelenting ups and downs of the spinning wheel. One of the techniques I utilize in therapy sessions with these couples is the Marital Dyad Exercise. Each spouse lists what they like about themselves and don’t want to change and what they don’t like and do want to change. They then do it for their spouse. Predictably, the longest lists are…..things that I like about me and don’t want to change and things I don’t like about my spouse that I want him/her to change. Does it surprise you that we tend to be so self-absorbed?

When I advocate that rock bottom is the ideal time for changing something, I am recommending that you pick something you like about yourself and don’t want to change but your spouse doesn’t like and wants you to change……and start the conversation with each other. There is no fast track solution for couples who have circled in the Ferris_Wheel for years. Round and round they go….often not realizing that they have an ominous problem, but also the potential to improve their relationship. Take baby steps at first; large swings of the pendulum are too short-lived and ineffective. Seize the moment at rock bottom to try something different. Do it for your own mental and physical health; for the health of your relationship, and if you have children, especially for them.

Four Steps to Remedy the Ferris_Wheel Relationship
1. Identify this unending relationship cycle and recognize its potential harm.
2. Formulate a repair strategy instead of an escape plan.
3. Get a marriage-friendly therapist involved early on. Two thirds of divorcing couples did not receive even one hour of marital counseling.
4. When you’re at the lowest point and hit rock bottom…CHANGE SOMETHING. Discharge one bad habit and bring one good habit on board.

Marriage Makes You Mentally-Physically-Financially-Healthier….Children Are Another Story...video #9

Video #9 is about the self-test questions that pertain to your marriage. The research is plentiful…...marriage gives individuals numerous benefits that parenting does not (an excellent resource is the book, "The Case for Marriage"). Parents must have couples time to insure a solid relationship. They need weekly date nights, occasional weekend getaways, and to be close to extended family to save $$$ on babysitting.

Please don’t think that you can put your marriage on hold from childbirth to when you are empty nesters! A child-centered family is at risk for marital problems. Nurturing your marriage benefits your child (children).

Don't Have A Baby to Fix Your Marriage....Video #2

Here is the flow of the dozen videos: the first few are about poor reasons to have a (another) child. Then comes the best reason to have a child followed by the timing of children and the myth of the only child. Last are the self test questions re: you the individual, your marriage, and your parenting skills.

Video #2 is a reflection of the fact that I NEVER tell couples that what they need (whether they report that their marriage is superb or problematic) is to have a (another) child.

First fix the relationship, then make your family size decision.

Family Life Takes a Hit From Recession

The Recession and Families: Post 3 of 4

What effect does an unemployed parent have on family well being?

Do men take over family responsibilities when their wives become the sole breadwinners?

Michael Luo wrote an excellent piece for the NY Times recently that describes the impact of this recession on families. "For many families across the country, the greatest damage inflicted by this recession has not necessarily been financial, but emotional and psychological. Children, especially, have become hidden casualties, often absorbing more than their parents are fully aware of. Several academic studies have linked parental job loss — especially that of fathers — to adverse impacts in areas like school performance and self-esteem."

Luo describes, "A recent study at the University of California, Davis, found that children in families where the head of the household had lost a job were 15 percent more likely to repeat a grade."

“The extent that job losers are stressed and emotionally disengaged or withdrawn, this really matters for kids,” commented Dr. Ariel Kalil (University of Chicago). “The other thing that matters is parental conflict. That has been shown repeatedly in psychological studies to be a bad family dynamic.”

"Besides quarrels over money, the reversal in the couple’s roles also produced friction. Dr. Kalil said a recent study of how people spend their time showed unemployed fathers devote significantly less time to household chores than even mothers who are employed full-time, and do not work as hard in caring for children."

A Singer: It's a problem that I labeled Role "Non-Reversal" Syndrome, where men seem to forget how big a burden their spouse bears as wife/mother....and they just forgot to switch roles when their wife works all day and they sit at home. Men at home, must quickly take over the lion's share of household tasks to give their wives some much needed down-time and stress relief.

Fight More, Bore Less

Linda Carroll wrote a nice piece for MSNBC that belongs in the category of counter intuitive research.

Is boredom really worse than fighting in a marriage?

According to Carroll, experts say that shared challenges and exciting diversions are what make relationships interesting long after the wedding gown has been packed up and stored away. And the opposite, boredom and a dull, daily routine, can kill a marriage, squashing intimacy and romance.

Most research on long-term relationships has focused on eliminating problems such as conflict and tension, explains the new study’s lead author, Irene Tsapelas, a researcher in the psychology department at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. But surveys have suggested that boredom may be even more corrosive to a relationship, she adds.

123 Michigan couples (the first marriage for all of them)were interviewed for the study at year zero, year seven, and year 16 of the marriage (not a big sample, but I like the time intervals - author).

Carroll quotes Helen Fisher (research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University) which is always a good idea. And quoting Fisher usually means mentioning the neurotransmitter called dopamine.

People often show up in Dr. Barbara Bartlik’s office ready to bolt from a marriage because they’re bored. “I tell them that changing partners isn’t going to fix the boredom,” says Bartlik, assistant professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. “By sharing novel or exciting experiences with your partner, you’re duplicating some of the brain chemistry that fires up at the beginning of a relationship.”

(It goes without saying, which means that I am about to say it anyway.....that I don't advise couples to fight as a way of building a healthy marriage. Click here to see an earlier post describing the research of Dr. John Gottman. He indicates that each normal healthy marriage comes along with a package of irresolvable issues, such as division of household tasks and differences in approaches to child rearing. The key to a good marriage is not the resolution of conflict but rather the regulation of conflict, according to Gottman.)

Money Stress Means Marriage Stress

Stress Week Installment 1 of 4.
If Discovery Channel presents Shark Week for your entertainment each summer, then we at FamilyThinking.com can present "Stress Week" so that you enjoy a stress-free and fun-filled summer.

Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist in Houston suggests, Stress and anxiety can erode trust between partners." (True)
She adds, "The key to getting through this crisis is to realize that the financial problems are not going away overnight and to communicate your fears." (Also true)

But you have to read what she says in the paragraph that starts, "Couples need to remember that money is symbolic."
My response to Mary Jo: my electric bill, phone bill, car and house notes, are not at all symbolic....they are, in fact, quite concrete.

Coming attractions for Stress Week:
Post 2: Scenes of Nature Reduce Stress (prn)
Post 3: Making Kindergarten Less Stressful (huh?)
Post 4: Stress Gene Found in Infants (we kid you not)

Spouse Spats Mean Long Life?...apparently yes

According to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study, "Couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict."

Researchers looked at 192 couples over 17 years and placed the couples into one of four categories:
*Both partners communicate their anger
*In the second and third groups one spouse expresses while the other suppresses
*Both the husband and wife suppress their anger and brood

Get a load of this stat folks: "When both spouses suppress their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types."

Granted that this is not a huge study, but it is still a very interesting one. The lead author of the study Ernest Harburg explained, "If couples have good parents they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"

A final note: This release has a rather misleading title: "A Good Fight May Keep You and Your Marriage Healthy". It is not that fights are good for marriage; it's that anger suppression is bad.....and you can quote me!

So are you ready to drop those hyped up fish-oil potions that promise longevity and try something that really works...like screaming at your spouse? JK