The Overlooked Effects of Grandparental Divorce By Dr. Alan M. Singer, PhD

 Do You Think Your Grandparents’ Marriage Doesn’t Affect Yours?

Think Again!

It doesn’t seem logical and it certainly isn’t fair. Could my grandparents’ divorce have a negative impact on my marriage? There is merit however, in this finding together with research to back it up. Dr. Paul Amato studied the long reach of divorce across three generations during a twenty-year timespan. This unique study explored how grandparental divorce specifically impacts grandchildren across a variety of variables: education, marital discord, divorce, relations with parents, and well-being. Interesting that fewer than 10% of grandchildren in the study had been born during the time that their grandparents divorced, and yet the effects of the divorce still seemed to have a significant impact on this generation. Who would imagine that grandparental divorce could impact future generations that weren’t even born at the time of the divorce?

Important research on the intergenerational transmission of divorce has been provided by researchers such as Dr. Nicholas Wolfinger. I recommend his book, Understanding the Divorce Cycle, in which the author discusses the impacts on children of divorce in their own marriages with respect to both how they view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

As Dr. Scott Sibley wrote for the Institute of Family Studies: While we may be finally seeing a decrease in gray divorce, I think the mistaken assumption often made by older parents is now that their children have grown and left the nest, divorce simply won’t be as hurtful or disruptive. I would encourage older couples considering divorce to seek therapy and consider the long-term consequences to their adult children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. The greatest gift parents can give their children and their grandchildren is a loving and committed marriage (2018).

As a parent of children who have experienced the divorce of their friends’ older parents, and as a couple’s therapist, the following are my recommendations for children whose parents are divorcing:

Reassure children about the strength of your own marriage and your personal commitment to their mother or father. If your marriage is feeling flat, work on making it vibrant again. Dr. William Doherty contends that “Marriage with the long view comes with the conviction that nothing will break us up, that we will fight through whatever obstacles get in our way, that if the boat gets swamped, we will bail it out, we will recalibrate our individual goals if they get out of alignment, we will share leadership for maintaining and renewing our marriage, we will renovate our marriage if the current version gets stale, that if we fight too much or too poorly, we will learn to fight better, that we will accept each other’s weaknesses that can’t be fixed, and that we will take care of each other in our old age.”

Listen to your children and learn to recognize their perspective (aka empathy). Your children are perceptive and may be feeling anxious about relationships, especially if they recognize how much emotional pain you have experienced from parental divorce.

Finally, be willing to talk to your children about your parents’ marriage and what went wrong. Each of us can become more resilient when we recognize what not to do in relationships.

A Word to Older Couples Contemplating Divorce

Not all marriages can be saved; abuse, addiction, and affairs are reasons when divorce may be the best option. Numerous studies indicate that two thirds of the annual 674K divorces in the U.S. are those in which spouses have become emotionally distant, with a tendency to blame their former spouse and not themselves, for the problems they faced. Any relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die. However, when partners are dedicated to the relationship and united in making their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome. One of my mentors insists, It takes teamwork to make the dream work. And, The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

For those contemplating a divorce once the children are grown, it is important to carefully consider the short and long-term consequences of that decision. Talk with your spouse about the relational legacy that you want to leave with your children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. If you choose to get divorced today, how might this impact their lives? Many of the couples I have worked with in therapy that chose to divorce, later regretted that decision.

There Is Hope

In graduate school, we therapists were taught to be “hope mongers”. According to new research from Amato, for most couples that stay the course, marriage tends to get better over time. For the future of marriage and the strength of family relationships, each of us should be consciously aware of how our actions can impact future generations. May we stay committed to our own relationship and have the courage and foresight to strengthen our children, thus preparing them for their own marriages.

 

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. He counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). Married 48 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter at the NEFESH International Conference. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press    dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

Approaching Healing with Realistic Expectations

Please don't be disappointed if this essay approaches the topic of healing with a measure of skepticism. From my professional point of view, there may not exist the concept of “complete emotional healing”. When discussing trauma with my MSW students at the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work, I begin the semester by quoting Dr. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy) who states that our role as therapists is to help clients who come to us for help with their “current story” leave our offices with a “new and different story”. Sadly, with trauma (which is often caused by horrific and unimaginable events) clients often cannot leave with a “different story.” Simply put, traumatic events are just not fair. One helpful perspective is that time does not heal, rather people heal with time (author unknown).

 

We're in a Better Place

 Often in couple’s therapy, after a couple of months of weekly sessions, one spouse will ask me, “Dr. Singer, we both feel like we are in a better place than when we started therapy with you months ago. We would like to taper down to bi-weekly sessions rather than weekly.” I am gratified to receive this hopeful and optimistic request. I respond by asking of each spouse, could you describe to me what you mean by “in a better place?” Usually this term means some healing has started to take place and continues forward. There are different degrees of intensity regarding the hurt or injury that needs to heal. Couples often describe communication difficulties that begin because one spouse feels talked down to or criticized or ignored. Healing from that type of behavior takes focus, listening, and attunement. It is quite a different story however, to work with couples in which infidelity is the presenting issue. The healing for infidelity, if you would graph it with an X and Y axis, looks like a roller coaster ride, not a straight line. Infidelity closely resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the healing is painstaking and slow. Even a resilient spouse who works diligently at forgiveness can turn around one day and simply say, “Never mind, I quit, I'm through.”

 

Optimism: Look on the Bright Side

 You can be optimistic but also be realistic. Infidelity tends to shake a relationship to its very core and render the marriage hopeless. If the betrayed spouse, having spent significant time in couple’s therapy, considers the cheating spouse to be unforgivable, then this marriage is basically over and done with. Bear in mind that forgiveness is not just a feeling, it is a decision. It is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with someone who has wronged you. Interpersonal healing requires forgiveness.

 

Comparing Emotional and Physical Healing

 A scar is the body's natural way of healing and replacing lost or damaged skin. According to the Johns Hopkins website, there are several dermatological procedures to minimize scars and choosing what is best for an individual depends on factors such as: age, overall health, medical history, tolerance of medications, procedures, therapies, and expectations for the course of the condition. Physical scars usually fade over time. However, the Johns Hopkins web page includes the caveat that explains treatment can only improve the appearance of the scar. It cannot completely erase it. That’s why I began this essay by suggesting that there may not exist the concept of “complete emotional healing”. Wouldn’t you agree that physical and emotional healing appear to mirror each other?

 

Tips for Healing Emotional Wounds

 Sharon Martin (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) cautions that while emotional healing is possible, not everyone returns to excellent emotional health. Martin points to commonalities among people who heal more fully from their emotional wounds and pain.

First, take baby steps. Dramatic changes are often unsustainable. Making small incremental and manageable changes creates a feeling of success, hope, and encouragement which are vital to carry an individual through their healing process.

 Second, bear in mind that an individual does not need to heal 100% to improve the quality of their life. It is not all or nothing. Even a modest amount of healing will improve the quality of a person’s life. Taking one step at a time will enable the person to notice improvements in their mood and in their ability to cope with triggers, relationships, and self-esteem.

 Third is to have realistic expectations. If we aim too high, we end up disappointed or frustrated - often at ourselves - which does not help us heal. One common unrealistic expectation is expecting progress to move consistently forward. Progress is more often two steps forward and one step back.

Fourth is to prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Work on emotional healing takes considerable energy, time, and sometimes money. Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body such as tight muscles, headaches, and fatigue - because these are your body's way of telling you what it needs.

Fifth is to ask for help! Healing is not meant to be done in isolation. It isn't easy but reaching out for help has many benefits including: emotional support, guidance, and the ability to break down shame. Seeking help is another form of self-care.

In conclusion, Martin suggests some helpful healing “meditations;”

I will seek help from trusted people who can give me guidance, encouragement, and love along this journey.

I am healing one day at a time.

I am learning to let go of what other people think and to honor what I think and feel.

I am learning to make time for rest, fun, and pursuing my own goals.

(And my personal favorite) I am learning to put myself on my To-Do List.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New York and New Jersey since 1980, with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He serves as an Adjunct Professor for the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All counseling sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage.  dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707 

 

 

Your Fifty Day Marital Survival Guide by Dr. Alan Singer

 

Join me in taking an aggressive approach to saving marriages during this seemingly endless coronavirus pandemic. Many U.S. scientists believe that the peak has passed and in fifty days our lives should significantly improve. Fact? No. But whatever we’re short with facts, let’s make up for in optimism. There are no assurances about when social distancing will end. 

 

Our collective loss of control escalates our anxiety level. Heightened anxiety fans the sparks of disagreement and can magnify them into full scale arguments. One of the couples that I counsel commented, "Fifty more days...it will be a miracle if our marriage last fifty more minutes!"

 

Rest assured that if you threaten divorce (or actually initiate divorce steps) in the midst of this tragic pandemic, you will most likely regret it down the road. Blow off some steam by doubling your exercise regimen on the step-master, not by abruptly reversing the most important decision of your life - your marital commitment. Here it is, short and blunt: the ABC's of sustaining your marriage for the next fifty days. 

 

Ø > > A < < <

 

Avoid judgmental questions and harsh start-ups effective today.

Here is a neutral question: Debbie what time is it?

Here is a judgmental question: Is this how much coffee you normally drink at work? The difference is clear. Maintain some distance between you and your spouse during work hours and avoid snooping around or being nosey.  

 

Avoid “you” statements because they evoke defensiveness. Use “I” statements because they evoke empathy.  

Try this: I am overwhelmed and can use your help now. 

Not this: You never lift a finger to help me.  

 

Use A soft start-up like this: I feel like I've been stuck in the kitchen alone all week rather than a harsh and judgmental one such as: I'd faint if you ever helped me make dinner.   

 

Avoid disagreement escalation. Use repair attempts such as "Wait, let me rephrase that." Dr. Eileen Feliciano wisely suggests, "Don't show up at every argument that you are invited to".  

 

A winning rule of thumb: If your goal is family well-being in a respectful partnership, then before you say or do something to your spouse ask yourself, is what I am about to say or do going to bring me closer or further from my goal? If further---STOP Yourself (Michelle Weiner Davis).  

 

Ø > > B < < <

 

Be the first to use these three words and use them liberally: Appreciation – Affection – Admiration. These words are a win-win for marriage.  

 

B is for respecting boundaries and one another’s space. Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggested last week "Creating a safe space can help people to feel in control so they feel happy instead of helpless...or even hostile" (NY Times 4-13-20). Another superb Fisher-ism is: Don't invoke the golden rule (Do unto Others) rather use the platinum rule---Do unto your spouse as she wants to have done for her.  

 

Space is more than just having elbow room. "Space and privacy have emerged as a class divide; more valuable than ever to those who have it and potentially fatal to those who don't (NY Times 4-13-20).   

 

The final B is to give your spouse the Benefit of the doubt.  Whether you call it "money in your emotional bank account" or "positive sentiment override" (Dr. John Gottman) your go-to position needs to be: My spouse means well; these are dreadful circumstances that we are in together. They’re not mean intentions.  

 

Ø > > C < < <

 

I am calling for a fifty day moratorium on Criticism of each other's character! We must stop ourselves. If you have a complaint about a specific behavior of your spouse, state that simply and civilly.  

Say this: We need to work together for thirty minutes daily to keep order here. 

Not this: I never realized how big a slob you are. 

 

Commit yourselves and your children to a daily routine.  

 

Commit yourselves to the triangle of health----Sleep-Nutrition-Exercise. 

These aren't suggestions...they are essential!

 

Couples don’t need to think alike…but they need to think together (R. Ralph Pelcovitz, obm).

Ø > > D < < <  

 

Decide that you will put meaningful effort into your marriage and keep the “D” word off the table and out of any conversations. Now is the time to protect your marriage; there will be plenty of time later if you choose the “D” route. 

 

Do the best that you can; Don't keep score.

 

Don't institute or eliminate any major rules especially with children.  

 

Don't make any major decisions especially something as substantial as whether or not to have another child in the future.  

 

Do seek out professional marital advice using video counseling from a licensed therapist. Don't wait out the fifty days thinking that things might work themselves out; they just might not.  

 

Most importantly---DO BE Forgiving. Whether you are married three years or three decades, you must understand and actualize this: Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a decision!

 

###

 

Turbulent Marriages Are Threatened by Trump vs. Clinton Feuding

 

A growing number of unhappy couples are having heated arguments about Trump versus Clinton and, as a result are now making appointments for marriage counseling. It is no surprise given that the American Psychological Association just concluded that half of U.S. adults say this election is a significant source of stress. In fact, half of the couples I counsel place political arguments at the top of their sparring list. ‎ I haven't seen this many political arguments in my career as a couple’s therapist. There has not been so much dissatisfaction and stress as with presidential candidates Trump and Clinton. The problem is not as simple as spouses stating, let's just agree to disagree. If it were, marriage counseling wouldn’t be needed. Here’s how I have tailored my guidance for conflict resolution skills for these couples.

The fundamental truth is that each couple has the instinctive skills to solve their own problems and cultivating and nurturing those skills may be my most important role as a therapist. ‎It is imperative to change the habitual patterns of unfair arguments. Most couples know how to de-escalate as well as how to escalate a disagreement. These Clinton/Trump disagreements turn into raging arguments that go for weeks and escalate at the risk of causing long-term damage. The wife yells at her husband, you are an arrogant thick conservative just like your father, and the husband sneers back, it’s no wonder you support Hillary because you are both lying liberals. When she shouts, he is insane and I don't know how I ever married him and they question each other's character, the situation spirals out of control. What started as a disagreement over political viewpoints is threatening the fabric of their marriage.

The first priority is for me to assess their communication. I ask them to continue their argument in front of me for 20 minutes while I study their facial expressions, body language, tone and the volume of their voices. After a glimpse of their sparring style, it is time to get to work and tone down the harmful rhetoric. 

These are the four treatment steps that seem to be most helpful:

Number 1: Teach couples how to de-escalate by calling a time-out when things get heated and they both get flooded. A time-out can’t be for five minutes because that is not enough time to calm down. Try an hour or a day or a week or just table the whole discussion and lock it in a cabinet. If the couple doesn’t calm down quickly and speak in a normal tone of voice, I apply some pressure by asking, you have ten years invested in your marriage and two children and you are ready to flush it down the drain for political differences? Last, who dreamed up that you have to resolve all your marital differences before bedtime each night? It is preferable for couples not to go to sleep angry, but resolving all differences is an unrealistic goal. Do you know what spouses should do each night? Express respect, affection, and appreciation to each other; tomorrow is another day.
Number 2: I re-focus the couple back to the topic of politics and not each other's character. I establish a ground rule: No personal attacks on your spouse in any shape or form. Otherwise this “external” conflict devolves into an “internal” struggle. Keep it on the outside; keep it external. It cannot be allowed into the inner sanctum where you store feelings, emotions, hopes, and dreams for you, your spouse and family. 
Number 3: I insist couples understand the difference between a disagreement and an argument. Disagreements are normal and common in healthy long-lasting marriages. ‎ Arguments, especially those that are scorching, are not. I reference the indispensable research of Psychologist Dr. Jon Gottman. Gottman found that two thirds of relationship issues in normal couples are perpetual. Examples of the most common disagreements are: parenting, money, work stress, intimacy, in-laws, and household chores. In his "love lab", Gottman discovered that it is the "regulation" of conflict not the "resolution" of conflict that is critical. 
Number 4: I remind each couple of the marital commitment they made in front of family, friends, and God. It is not a commitment as-long-as the love is strong, or as-long-as our political views remain in-sync rather it is a commitment No Matter What. Too often these days, commitments are like Velcro, it holds well but is easy to pull apart (Professor Bill Doherty).  Commitment is crucial as we humans are evolving and dynamic. Circumstances change; life happens. Just because you don’t have an in-law issue this year, doesn't mean you won’t next year. After all, your mother-in-law might move in with you. You don't argue about parenting your toddlers currently, but have you prepared yourself for adolescence? Not arguing about finances now is great, but what if you are laid off in an economic downturn?

As a last resort ‎I give couples an ultimatum that they must tone down the rhetoric, halt the character attacks, and start repairing immediately. I don't have a crystal ball, but I will predict that if you both continue down this road, you will likely destroy your marriage. The consequences of that choice not only impacts you both but doubles the chances that your children will get divorced.

Final note: This is a disagreement that will not end on November 8 with the presidential election. One candidate will be the winner; the other the loser. In a scorekeeping relationship which is as common as it is detrimental, one spouse will believe that he/she is the winner of the argument. ‎If the losing spouse rubs it in for months with quotes like I told you this is the kind of president she will be, it is a recipe for continued provocation and friction. Also, keep in mind that marriage is not a 50-50 arrangement. Do you know how to really win big? By giving more in your marriage, not by taking more.

"Good Enough" Marriages Suit Children Just Fine

What is a "good-enough" marriage?
And why is Booth and Amato's 1997 finding, that 2/3 of divorces end "good-enough" not high-conflict marriages, so significant?

Elizabeth Marquardt wrote an excellent piece for the Huffington Post. Here are some excerpts:

"We disagree about a lot of things. Sometimes I think our kids would be better off if we both moved on."

"I've been researching and writing about children of divorce for a decade and I've heard these sentiments over and over. These parents not divorced yet, but they're thinking about it. They're raising children, struggling to make the mortgage payment and pay the babysitter, hoping to get ahead. Meanwhile, their marriage isn't what it used to be. Those pre-kid days of hanging out with friends seem the stuff of dreams now. Talking is mainly about negotiating schedules and money. Weekends are busy getting caught up from weekdays. Is this what marriage is all about? Do the kids really need this?

In a word, yes. Some marriages are plagued by such serious problems -- such as addiction, chronic infidelity, or violence -- that divorce might well be warranted. But social science research shows that about two-thirds of marriages that end in divorce are low conflict. These marriages may feel troubled to the one or both of the spouses, but they are not struggling with the kinds of serious or frequent conflict many imagine when they picture a marriage on the rocks.

It is these marriages -- what some call "good enough" marriages -- that matter so much. To any still-married parent who is considering divorce who may be reading this, I want to affirm that your "good enough" marriage is doing a world of good for your kids. By sticking with -- and working on and believing in -- your "good enough" marriage, you are sustaining one world for your child. You are affirming that the rough and sometimes not-pretty job of holding together one family belongs to you and your spouse, not your child."

It's Not About the Flatware: Newsweek "My Turn"

I found this essay in Newsweek to be informative...and a bit disturbing as you can see from the comment I posted to the Newsweek site

Ed Goldman's "My Turn" described the world he plunged into, one in which people "fall in and out of love sequentially". Social scientists also refer to the trend as serial monogamy. His description of he and his wife's first, second, and third marriages is very thorough. But in my 30 years as a family therapist, I get bad dreams from reading scary quotes like, "Our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgments"...yikes!
Thankfully, most couples that I have assisted over the years, care deeply about the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage.

Dr. Alan Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com

Marriage Veterans Share Conflict Resolution Secrets by Dr. Alan Singer

I interviewed 9 New Jersey Couples who are celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary this year. You'll see their terrific insights in this first installment covering conflict resolution, that was published in the Home News Tribune on 1 /23/08

According to a recent U.S. Census Bureau survey, there are 20 percent fewer couples reaching their 15th, 20th and 25th anniversaries. This new data comes as no real surprise but does address a major problem for families from a different direction. Rather than describing the enormous divorce rate, this survey shows a decrease in the number of long-term marriages.

For a better understanding of long-term marriages, I decided to survey nine Central Jersey couples who are celebrating 30 years of marriage this year (as are my wife and myself). Here is the collective wisdom of the couples who responded to the survey. Incidentally, half of the respondents are grandparents. Multiplying 30 years by two spouses by nine couples means that you will be benefiting from almost 600 years of marital experience here!

Since all of the sage advice from these couples will not fit into one column, I decided to begin with a practical topic: marital disagreements. I asked the marriage veterans what method of resolving marital arguments is most effective for them. The research of Dr. John Gottman in his Seattle Love Lab at the University of Washington indicates that each normal healthy marriage comes along with a package of irresolvable issues, such as division of household tasks and differences in approaches to child rearing. The key to a good marriage is not the resolution of conflict but rather the regulation of conflict, according to Gottman.

Couples who choose divorce to escape from low-conflict marriages often do not realize that with a second marriage they are likely to encounter a new set of irresolvable issues. Researchers Paul Amato and Alan Booth discovered that two-thirds of American divorces (involving children) are of couples who are in low-conflict marriages. Worth noting is that, from a child's point of view, these marriages are "good enough." Author Linda Waite, in her book "The Case for Marriage," found, "Eighty-six percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier."

It is within the context of that encouraging research that I would like to share some comments of the 30th anniversary couples. Lisa and Mort believe that "listening to the other point of view and considering the possibility you might be wrong" is the most effective method of resolving a disagreement. Similarly, Robin and Michael stated, "Put yourself in the other person's shoes." They suggest that the key to conflict resolution is "remembering to look at the situation not only logically but with empathy for your spouse's feelings and emotions."

Susie emphasized that she and her husband, Barry, try not to let things fester. Their response points out the need for open, clear communication between spouses and the importance of "not taking things too seriously." Susie's method of choice is to "frankly express disappointments and disagreements with each other."

Steven and Diana emphasized the need for direct communication, as did Larry and Judy, who stated, "We discuss the problem and try to resolve it, but that is only after we spend time away from each other to cool off." The need to "cool off" was mentioned by other couples. Linda and Leonard try not to speak to each other at all before calming down. They stress "thinking before speaking," so that they don't regret it later. Linda considers what caused the argument and determines what they can do in the future to prevent hurting each other. She added, "We try to be more sensitive to each other's feelings."

Susan's humorous response shows her honesty and candor: "I try to cool off but sometimes my screams can be heard all around the world — yes, that was me last week!" For her and Leibe, "The most effective method is to talk it out or maybe just let it go." "Eventually you learn to forgive," Susan concluded, "if not always to forget." Last are the candid comments of Heather and Arthur: "We're not so good at resolving disagreements . . . between one passive-aggressive partner, and one upfront emotional partner, our disagreements tend to be very difficult."

"But compromise is certainly the best solution," Heather urged, "or when one partner swallows (his or her) needs in favor of Shalom Bayit" (Hebrew for "Peace in the Home"). Here is Linda's postscript: "Marriage is the best mistake we could have ever made, and may we be here to answer these questions again after 60 years of marriage!"

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a Marriage Therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com

Couple Didn't Let Early Ruts Throw Marriage Off Course by Dr. Alan Singer

The Home News printed part 2 of my 60th Anniversary interview with the Levys on 04/17/07. See how intuitive they were to spot problems in their marriage early on and how they went about solving them.

Last month, I described the 60-year marriage of the Levys, who shared their pearls of marital wisdom with me. They described how they met, and Leah stressed that spouses should express hurt, not anger. Among Martin's themes were: Don't take your wife for granted, and solve problems that you have with each other before going to sleep.

Our conversation took an interesting turn when Leah explained that she and Martin got married at a young age and that caused problems. Leah: "We had our ups and downs when our two kids were teenagers, so we decided to go to a marriage counselor, and he helped us a great deal. Years ago, you didn't think about divorce, but that's the first thing people do now. I have no idea why; you try to work things out."

Martin said he and Leah have strong characters and neither one backs down easily. They wanted a third party to be involved, and so they saw a marriage counselor for a year to learn ways to get along better. Their two children were happy about the counseling, because it helped the whole family. Martin: "We told our kids that we're having problems understanding one another, but we do not want a divorce and they accepted it." Leah, who still believes that the problems were due to immaturity, commented: "I don't think I handled the stress of family life so well. I had in-law problems, often due to things that I was oversensitive about. Looking back, it was silly, because my husband and I were often arguing about something my in-laws said or did.

When I asked Martin for an example of what caused their in-law-related fights he explained, "My parents lived a block away from us. My mother would watch out the window and tell my daughter Devora to come in and visit on her way home from school. My mother did not have the sense to call my wife, even after two hours went by. Leah would panic justifiably, and scream, "Where is my daughter? Where is my little girl?' "

I asked Martin why he didn't take his mother to task and tell her it was wrong to keep Devora in her home while not informing Leah. Martin: "In my family, if I were to criticize my mother, she would close up and not talk to me for a year, and you could never challenge my father. If you did, he'd cut you off, and stop talking to you. I'd tell Leah to ignore them; this is who they are and you're not going to change them." Leah inserts, "But I tried to change them."

"The most important thing our marriage counselor taught us," explained Leah, "is stick to the subject of your argument, and don't throw in 20 years of old topics. The whole idea of marriage is a partnership. Our counselor told us that there are times when it will be 80/20, and then it will turn around and be 20/80; it's never 50/50. He was a bright and sweet guy."

One last bit of wisdom from the Levys' 60-year marriage that is fundamental to raising children. "Children should be disciplined," Leah emphasizes, "and I don't mean you have to whip them. They must have order in their lives." (Martin inserts that there should be rules and regulations.) "And I know it's hard, but it's very important to sit down and have dinner together, which we did every night. We had discussions at dinner about what was bothering us. Our children could even complain about us, too, as long as it was done respectfully."

The values and wisdom of the Levys continue to be transmitted to the next generation. When their oldest grandson complimented his mother Devora on how supportive she was in resolving a problem that he experienced, he turned to his grandmother Leah and declared, "Why wouldn't my Mom be very helpful, when her mother is such a great mother?"

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer blogs at http://www.familythinking.com/. He is a marriage therapist in Highland Park and can be reached at DrAlanSinger@aol.com.