Insensitive Research ? Video #11

Research is research....no? If it's valid and reliable, it should be quotable....right? Does it also need to be "sensitive" to its readership?

The diversity of the new American family means that less than half of U.S. families are now headed by a married couple. I was shocked when my publisher required me to remove this irrefutable research finding: "The best environment in which to raise children is two biological parents in a low conflict marriage."

He felt that since most American families are no longer headed by married couples, I needed to be sensitive to the family size needs of the majority of my potential readers. And so I removed that research finding from the final draft of Creating Your Perfect Family Size.

Where Skill and Enjoyment Part Ways...Video #10

The "parenting" self-test questions in my book
are addressed in video #10. Water ski guy dealt with you-the-individual; washing machine guy discussed your marriage and you as a couple. For couples who already have a child, these category three questions cover two key (and different) elements:

Are you a good parent? (skills, ability, diligence)

Do you really enjoy parenting? (pleasurable, rewarding, satisfying)

Those are two very different questions, and the responses will impact your family size decision.

Cinematic Note: video #10 wins the “Where’s Waldo?” award. Few people can tell where I am and what I’m doing. Answer: in the garage pouring wiper fluid into to the hood of my car…I’m sure you were plotzing to know that!

What Do Family Size and Harry Potter Have in Common?

The book presentation/signing at Nighthawk Books in Highland Park, N.J. was unforgettable….and Mr. Steven Hart, the owner was terrific and couldn’t have been more accommodating.

Favorite Question of the Day: Asked by a married woman in her 50’s who has children and grandchildren……"Dr. Singer, is it presumptuous to give Creating Your Perfect Family Size to newlyweds as a gift?" Great question: I am going to give that one some thought. I am clearly more prepared for questions concerning the inside of the book than I am about the outside.

Click here for some other photos from the Asbury Park Press

USA Today’s Sharon Jayson Cites Dr. Singer in Her Cover Story on Family Size

Sharon Jayson wrote another excellent column and this time it discusses my favorite topic, family size. Click here to read her column from this past Friday and be sure to join in the lively discussion by submitting your comment. Here is my latest comment on their website:

It never ceases to amaze me how a simple conversation about how many children one should have....and what goes into the thinking behind that crucial decision, quickly degrades into a tirade about welfare and government subsidies. In my book that Sharon cited in her article, I guide couples through their decision process via 92 self-test questions. This is a personal and crucial decision. And most Americans when surveyed agree that every couple should be able to have as many or as few children as they want.
Alan Singer


For those of you in New Jersey, I’ll be doing a presentation/book signing at Nighthawk books in Highland Park at 2pm….hope to see you there.
And…….Happy Mother’s Day!!!(where applicable)

Menlo Park Mall Book Sales Enhanced by Silver Jag in Background....New Feature: Favorite Book Question of the Day

You know how important product placement is these days folks.....well I placed my product right in front of the Silver Jaguar on display and it did the trick. Barnes and Noble at Menlo was just terrific and they are the only store in Central NJ (and this continent) to have actual autographed books for sale.

It was Mom's Night Out at the Mall and there were mostly Mom's enjoying the atmosphere of free food samples, makeovers, and ear piercing Lady Gaga songs played by a DJ. But there were a lot of couples chillin in the mall tonight, so as they walked by, I would just shout out, "Hey Sir.....handle the family size decision first and she'll be more amenable to you buying that jag" (OK, I did that twice in 3 hours).

Favorite Book Question of the Day: A woman in her late 20's described: My close friend wanted a first child real badly and her husband wasn't exactly on board but then turned out to be a great Dad anyway. She wants a lot more kids for sure, she says. I am wondering Dr. Singer.....if I buy your book and give it to them, will she be mad at me because he'll read all your self-test questions and start thinking over the decision too much?

Marriage Makes You Mentally-Physically-Financially-Healthier….Children Are Another Story...video #9

Video #9 is about the self-test questions that pertain to your marriage. The research is plentiful…...marriage gives individuals numerous benefits that parenting does not (an excellent resource is the book, "The Case for Marriage"). Parents must have couples time to insure a solid relationship. They need weekly date nights, occasional weekend getaways, and to be close to extended family to save $$$ on babysitting.

Please don’t think that you can put your marriage on hold from childbirth to when you are empty nesters! A child-centered family is at risk for marital problems. Nurturing your marriage benefits your child (children).

Two Central NJ Book Events This Week

To my friends, neighbors, and colleagues: I want to thank all of you who have called and/or emailed me this week for the launching (by Wiley) of my book Creating Your Perfect Family Size. Your enthusiasm and good wishes are uplifting. The first two discussion/book signings are taking place this week in Central New Jersey.

Thursday May 5 6-8pm near the Barnes and Noble in the Menlo Park Mall, Edison

Sunday May 8 (Happy Mother’s Day!) 2-3pm Nighthawk books, Highland Park

I look forward to seeing you.

PS: please visit http://www.youtube.com/dralansinger if you are curious how a middle age man endeavors to sell books using social media

It's All About Me.....Then We.....Then 3 (video #8)

I use my favorite sport in video #8 to make the following point: having a child means changes to "your life" not totally abandoning "your life". The self test questions found throughout my book are provided to help YOU make your decision because there is no one-size-fits-all.....perfect family size. It's up to you both to design what's perfect for your family.

The first group of self-test questions help you look at and evaluate YOU the Individual. We want you to be in good shape before you have a (another) child.

Small Request: for those of you who have already purchased the book....Thank You so much! Would you be kind enough to go to the Amazon and/or Barnes and Noble website and write your comments on the book. Thanks again

What's the Ideal Number of Children & other waste-of-time Questions.....Video #7

"What's the Ideal Number of Children?" is a great research question for the Gallup Poll** to ask.....but a waste of time for thoughtful couples to ask.

**See P. 71 of my book for 60 years of responses from individuals who answered that question.

So, What's the perfect family size? As many or as few.......(did you watch the video yet?)

Personal Note: My Dad bought me and helped me set up my first fish tank back in the 60's and I've kept up the hobby ever since. In the video you can see guppies, platties, and catfish. I assume you were plotzing to know that.

Onlies Are Lonely and Other Mistruths...Video #6

Only children are not lonelier.
Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you married (Dr. Frank Pittman)
You can't have everything, where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Here is how biology works; You have 1 child and you receive a new title---parent.
Here is how psychology works: How do you feel about being parents?

If parenting is "ok" and you are not all that thrilled with it....Don't-Please-Don't let anyone's comment like, you'll want to give her a little brother, won't you? influence you.

Video #6 makes the point that only children are NOT social misfits. They are wonderful, normal, and happy children. Don't have another child because of external pressures. Only do it because of your internal desire for another child.

In Creating a Family and Catching a Wave, Timing is KEY...Video #5

Timing is the keyword I stress more than any other throughout the book. Don’t waste time asking yourself, “How many total children do we want?” or “What is the ideal number of children in a family?” Those aren’t decisions you should be making. Timing is THE decision you must make; together and carefully.

The key question: Is now the best time for us to have a (another) child?

Personal Note: As embarrassed as my children are that Dad is wearing his wetsuit for this book trailer, Mr. Noah Wolfe, foremost expert on social media in North America stated, “Pops, this video has legs”. Let’s see what happens Noah!

Who Am I to Judge A Couple's Reasons? Video #4

What right do I have to advocate for The One Best Reason to have another child?

"To carry on the family name" "To be just like other couples" and "To care for me when I'm old" are very common responses to the question, What is the reason you had a child?

Here's who I am......I have helped couples fix their marriages for 3 decades. In video #4 I make this point: If the reason you are having another child is because you have a son and are now trying for a daughter, you have a 50% chance of success. Since children (on average) tend to decrease marital satisfaction, I want your marriage to have a much better chance than 50%!

Personal Note: On the right end of the piano is a photo of my Dad, Joseph Singer(of blessed memory) author of the quote that starts my book, "When all else fails, read the directions."

1/3 Say: “No Reason, It Just Happened.” Are You Serious?.....Video #3

The Pew Research Center surveyed 1003 adults recently. The respondents were asked how important various reasons were for them in deciding to have their first child. “It wasn’t a decision, it just happened” was cited by 35% of parents as very important!

Book Trailer video #3 is the best of the worst reasons to have a (another) child. The video takes less than a minute, but it’s packed full of mediocrity.

[Note to self for next book: wait for snow, then roll out the snow blower]

Don't Have A Baby to Fix Your Marriage....Video #2

Here is the flow of the dozen videos: the first few are about poor reasons to have a (another) child. Then comes the best reason to have a child followed by the timing of children and the myth of the only child. Last are the self test questions re: you the individual, your marriage, and your parenting skills.

Video #2 is a reflection of the fact that I NEVER tell couples that what they need (whether they report that their marriage is superb or problematic) is to have a (another) child.

First fix the relationship, then make your family size decision.

When All Else Fails, Read the Directions....Video #1

Here's the first of 12 video trailers for my new book. The instructions from my son-in-law Noah, were explicit: each video, no matter how shticky, must have content. So I set up 12 story boards of content and then built the scenery and plot (?) around the content.

[Video 1: man in trench coat; U.S. flag in background]
After all the editing of the book was done by Jossey-Bass, lo and behold....the first lines of the book were a terrific quote from my father. To say the least, I was quite emotional. When Dr. Frank Pittman read and endorsed my book, he said...."This book is the directions". I was really honored, because he's a renowned Psychiatrist and prolific author....ie "Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married!"

Like I state at the end of the video, this book (and video) is not supposed to be a monologue, but rather a conversation......so Please keep in touch!