My Fear That You Won’t Seek Help for Estrangement

                Estrangement is commonly defined as the intentional choice by one or more relatives to end contact because of an ongoing negative relationship. Primarily based on emotions, not facts, estrangement can bring unimaginable heartbreak to families.  

I implore you to seek help if the above describes you, as the numbers are staggering. Twenty-seven percent of Americans eighteen and older have cut off contact with a family member: 10% parent/child, 8% siblings, 9% extended family (i.e. grandparents and cousins).  

A woman living in the Midwest has not spoken to her son and his wife for seven years because she asked her daughter-in-law to bring a specific dessert to a family gathering. The daughter-in-law deliberately brought the same one that the woman had baked. The mother-in-law interpreted the dessert as a symbol of total disrespect (Catherine St Louis, Dec. 2017). 

Another story describes denying access to grandchildren reflecting estrangement from adult children who act as the gate-keeper “middle” generation. Dr. Pat Hanson had been seeing her granddaughter monthly until she was four years old, when her mother separated from Dr. Hanson's son. The mother halted visitation and stopped answering phone calls. Dr. Hanson does not even know their address. She has composed hundreds of letters to her granddaughter (now seventeen), and they are kept in a wooden box. She holds on to the hope that "One day she will want to search for her roots and will look me up" (Paula Span, July 2020).  

Are these cut-offs driven by the expectation that parents, not children are primarily responsible for maintaining the parent-child relationship? Perhaps. Some of the stressful experiences and circumstances that contribute to parent-child estrangement include: psychological abuse/neglect, poor parenting, betrayal, parental incarceration, drug abuse, disagreements, politics, and matters relating to business, inheritance, and money. Other factors include: feeling a lack of support, acceptance, or love from the estranged family member. Sometimes there are differences in values and the feeling that a family member’s behavior is toxic (Lucy Blake 2017).     

Cornell Sociologist Dr. Karl Pillemer adds these pathways to estrangement: harsh parenting, parental favoritism, and parental divorce. Another discovery of Pillemer is that long simmering family feuds may culminate in a "volcanic event". Often when this occurs, one family member declares "I'm done.” People who are estranged feel deep sadness and long for reconnection. Oh, how they wish they could turn back the clock and act differently to prevent a rift. 

Desperately, parents try to maintain contact by making phone calls that are not answered and sending letters, texts, and emails that are ignored. Cards and gifts that are sent for life cycle events are returned to the sender unopened. A common theme for both parents and adult children is loss. Parents lose their voice as they cannot apologize and try to make things right or find out why the estrangement happened in the first place. Adult children feel the loss of family and miss the emotional, financial, and practical support.  

Why try counseling with a licensed therapist? For starters, if you currently have no relationship whatsoever with a given family member, and the goal is to regain “some type of connection”, go for it. The goal is not "all is forgiven"; whatever steps you take to forgive will lift a burden from your shoulders. Dr. Janis Spring explains there are degrees of forgiveness; it is not a black or white decision.   

One goal is to take positive steps toward opening a line of communication. Here is the model that I use when coordinating reconciliation for family estrangement. I firmly establish with the family members that my office is a blame-free zone and a shame-free zone. Anyone who makes disparaging comments or raises their voice will be muted on the Zoom call. Repeat offenders will be placed back in the Zoom waiting room until they calm down. 

Next, I use the principles of Discernment Counseling, which combine solo time with joint-session time. The primary goal is not to fix the issues, but rather to determine if the issues are fixable. I suggest to the person who calls me that they should reach out to their estranged family member with this message: "I’m inviting you to explore the idea of opening communication between us with Dr. Singer acting as a moderator to create a safe space and I will pay for the session. Can the three of us meet via ZOOM and talk about positive change?"

In sessions, I do my best to offer practical advice. I suggest to family members that they should not expect their relative to change to meet their expectations. It is their expectations that may need to change.  

Pillemer believes that time spent waiting for an apology is time that is wasted. He concludes: "Focus on building a new future that can eclipse the past!" Those who are able to reconcile have one main strategy: to abandon the need for the estranged relative to accept their version of the past and apologize. They focus on the present and future of the relationship. They adopt realistic expectations about the other person rather than trying to change them. Reconcilers come to understand their own role, i.e. engaging in self-examination about their own level of responsibility.   

Even unsuccessful attempts to reconcile sometimes lead to greater peace of mind. How so? According to Dr. Pillemer, most individuals felt much better after the reconciliation even if it was not perfect. There was a sense that it might be difficult, but they weren't carrying that "backpack" around anymore; a substantial weight was lifted off their shoulders.  

The Prophet Malachi (3:23) best expresses the hopes of Israel: “Behold, I will send you Elijah the Prophet before the coming of the great and awesome day of God. And he shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents.”

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in NJ & NY since 1980 with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, is a Certified Discernment Counselor, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

Eggshells or Estrangement: Not Much of a Choice

Here are two tales of estrangement. The first type is a parent cutting-off contact with a child following a divorce also referred to as parental alienation. The second is when an adult child ceases contact with a parent, sometimes for no apparent reason. This is especially agonizing when grandchildren are involved.

Researchers Gilligan, Suitor, and Pillemer‎’s studied estrangement and presented data in the August 2015 edition of the Journal of Marriage and Family.  One conclusion based on data from 2,013 mother-adult child dyads states, "The mother-daughter tie generally has been found to be the closest, most enduring, and mutually supportive of all parent-child gender combinations.” 

The Mother-Daughter Bond

Debora is a fifty-three year old nurse practitioner and mother of five living in Boston. She is estranged from her father and oldest brother, Jonathan. "My father had a temper and needed medication for mood disorders but never got them. He verbally abused my brother Mordy and me. After the divorce he said to us, "I don't need you; go to your mother and don't sit shiva for me." Deborah recounted, "I had such a lousy childhood because he stole it from me. The worst day of each year was camp visiting day; I dreaded it. There’s no hope of reconciliation and that is his loss. I might sit shiva for him though, because he did give me life.

“After my parents divorced, our house became a happy place. We coped by using humor, music and we attended therapy sessions. We laughed and acted hyper in the kitchen every night. We went through trauma together and got through it because my Mom, Mordy, and I had each other. ‎No one deserves more credit than Mom. Can you imagine the verbal and emotional abuse she endured and that she waited ten years for her Get, but she never badmouthed my father? She is selfless and kept all of her issues out of our view. At her recent birthday celebration, I proclaimed, Not only did my mother save our lives as drowning victims, she then taught us how to swim.” 

Deborah described, "Our oldest brother was brainwashed by our father and turned against us. I have the opposite perspective in describing Jonathan compared to my father. My lack of connection with my brother hurts me and touches a place deep in my heart. Ten years ago we were so scared because my brother was the victim of a life-threatening car accident. Even though we were estranged, my mother and I visited him in Massachusetts General Hospital. As we entered the hospital we were petrified: what if we would lose him? I held in my hand, the invitation to my wedding which would take place the following month, thinking it would give him something to live for. Can you believe it? He was rude to us and we felt no connection. Despite that I continued texting him for months to say happy birthday or Shana Tova. There were no replies until one day he wrote "don't text this number again." I admit, Dr. Singer, that I am quite resentful, but I daven that he should get better. I think to myself, it is over two decades of this nonsense, just get over it! Don't carry this into the next generation; get help and move on. It hurts because I care."

Debora concludes, "I live each day of my life to the fullest. I thank Hashem and appreciate that I have my large wonderful family. I run from arguments and stress. Thanks to my mother, Mordy and I have the necessary coping skills."

Cut-Off by Your Adult Child

To understand an adult child estranging a parent requires the expertise of Dr. Joshua Coleman author of When Parents Hurt. He asserts, "You can be a good parent and still end up with a child who wants nothing to do with you." Many parents have little or no contact with their adult children due to reasons that have less to do with poor parenting and more to do with issues of child temperament, the influence of a domineering spouse, or the fallout from parents who divorce. In my experience, a significant number of adult children who cut off contact with their parents are those described by the parent as "good” children who were not rebellious and did well in school.

What’s at the core of this type of estrangement? Blaming parents is one way to direct the blame away from the self and maintain a sense of self-esteem. Pathologizing their parents may be the only way to reduce the guilt or anxiety they feel about constructing a life without their parents involved.

During a Skype counseling session, Judy, a Houston-based real estate agent revealed to me, that her adult daughter will not accept any phone calls or texts from her. Her daughter sees a therapist weekly who likely nurtures this emotional cut-off. ‎Her emails end with Do Not Initiate Contact. “Do you know how much that hurts me?” Judy adds, "I really can’t think of a reason why this estrangement started in the first place."

I advise parents who I counsel to tread cautiously and if necessary walk on eggshells. ‎The real reason is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: your future grandchildren. You do not want to do anything to jeopardize your connection to your precious future generations.  

When parents believe that it's all their own fault Coleman maintains, "Don't give your child all the power in this discussion. You did the best that you could in parenting. If your child won't move forward, you move forward.‎ Simply ask your children, "What did I miss when raising you?" and then state: “whatever it is, I'm sorry."

I extrapolated nine action steps from Coleman's writings:

1. Do not sugar-coat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are, the more credibility you will gain.

‎2. If there is only a kernel of truth in your child's complaint, speak to that kernel.

3. Avoid guilt trips, they don’t work.

4. Hear your child out, don’t be defensive.

5. Don't give up too soon. You may need to reach out for a long time before you see an improvement in the relationship. 

6. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. 

7. If you don't want to (or cannot) give money or help, say it in a loving way so it does not appear to be a complaint or a criticism. 

8.‎ Don't criticize your child's spouse or significant other. 

9. Don't tell your child how to parent. You had your turn; let him/her have a turn.

Cut-Offs are a Form of Giving-Up

Colorado therapist Michele W. Davis is a colleague and an inspiration. At an in-service for couples therapist's she urged: If you want to help couples reconnect and have hope, you have to walk the talk. Don't allow yourself to have emotional cut-offs in your life. ‎Don't give yourself permission to quit speaking to a parent, sibling, or a child. Don't give up on any difficult relationship. Emotional cut-offs are a form of giving up. They happen when you tell yourself that nothing will ever change and you’re better off safe than sorry. Even if you feel safer, you know that there is a sadness which goes along with giving up and it is ever-present. Life eventually gives all of us important opportunities to learn how to rise above adversity. 

The navi best expresses the hopes of Klal Yisrael: “Behold, I will send you Eliyahu HaNavi before the coming of the great and awesome day of Hashem. And He shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents” (Malachi 3:23-24).

Dr. Alan Singer, a marriage therapist since 1980, has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink. He counsels via Skype, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). His motto: I am the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. Married for 39 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He serves on the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists   dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

Forget Big Brother; Your Children Are Most Likely Watching You

Parental estrangement is a miserable topic to be sure, but unfortunately for some, it is a common part of family life. Several weeks ago, I planned to blog about this topic but then I came across a story that made me re-focus my thinking which I described in my monthly Home News Tribune column.

Be sure to read Dr. Woolverton's email to me (below)

Frederick Woolverton’s essay on parental estrangement, The Most Hated Son in the New York Times Magazine, had a deeper message which became apparent to me. In it, he describes his estrangement from his aging mother (now 89) and his efforts to improve their relationship after three decades of silence “before it was too late.”

Woolverton states, “We’d been estranged since I was nineteen, when I made harsh, yet true, statements about the horrors of living with her at the custody trial for my younger sister. My family’s unstated code had been that nobody was allowed to reveal my mother’s alcoholism. She was enraged that I broke the rules of secrecy.” I can only imagine what went through Woolverton’s mind before he testified against his own mother, knowing that she may never speak to him again as a result of his testimony.

What particularly caught my attention in his essay was when Woolverton described a recent trip he took with his daughter to visit his mother and described, “My mother had cut off all my siblings over the years, and my brothers and sister were shocked that I even went to see her, especially because she always hated me the most — even before the divorce trial. I was the smallest, weak and sick as an infant. She once screamed that she’d wanted to let me die, like an injured animal. Did I forgive her? Absolutely not. Would I protect her now, if she needed anything? Yes. On the ride home, my daughter said what my own mother couldn’t: You are a good son.”

In my opinion, that last sentence says a world about parental role modeling. We have all heard people say that their children hear and see everything, or that a particular incident will be permanently embossed on their child’s memory.
But what I think is more important than what a child retains from a singular event, is what she retains from the on-going series of events known as daily family life. As parents, we have opportunities every single day to be good role models, or the opposite. When we make a mistake, we need to admit it, apologize for it and our child will benefit from that experience exponentially. When you least expect it, they will hear you or see you doing something. This applies to both good and bad role modeling.

Woolverton regretted his estrangement from his mother and attempted to make amends. The unexpected byproduct of bringing his daughter along was what his daughter witnessed and the enduring impression it left. He can be comforted by the fact that he likely won’t be transmitting estrangement to future generations by showing his children that even an all but lost relationship, deserves sincere effort and determination.

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley 2011) and is a Marriage Therapist in Highland Park. Please respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com

Dr. Singer,
I read your piece on my visit to my mother and appreciated your understanding and description of my daughter's unexpected part in that visit. What you wrote seemed insightful and very accurate, thank you.

Frederick Woolverton, Ph. D.