Safe Relationships Facilitate Family Well-Being

Hollywood has led us to believe that the fundamentals of a good marriage are: love, passion, infatuation, romance, and chemistry. In my professional opinion, those are the tier two fundamentals. The vital tier one fundamentals are: respect, empathy, friendship, forgiveness, trust, and safety, which is the focus of this essay.

www.Shalomtaskforce.org

Back in the early days of domestic violence awareness and prevention, safety in relationships meant there would be no physical abuse. I had the honor of serving as executive director of Shalom Task Force (STF) for three years. The mission of STF is to combat and prevent domestic violence and foster healthy and safe relationships in families. It is a blessing that from 1994 to 2012 the rate of domestic violence declined by 63% in the United States. Sadly however, according to the CDC, one in four women and one in seven men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lifetime. While most events are relatively minor (i.e. grabbing, shoving, pushing) there are tragically fatal injuries as well.

Early in the DV prevention movement, domestic violence referred only to physical abuse and was defined as any intentional act which causes or threatens injury or trauma to another person by way of direct contact. STF brought attention to three additional types of abuse: 1. verbal and psychological abuse – using words to control, devalue, insult, or criticize another person including yelling and humiliating, which destroys the self-confidence of the victim. 2. Emotional - mistreating a person through use of words or gestures aimed at affecting a victim's self-esteem and frightening and isolating them.

3. Financial abuse is using power to control a partner by withholding money. Examples include restricting access to bank accounts and threatening to withhold money if a partner leaves the abusive relationship.

Digital Abuse

In recent years, STF added several more categories of abuse to raise awareness for the general public. Digital abuse is the use of technology assert control and manipulation by stalking, intimidating, bullying, or controlling a person via a social networking platform. Examples of this include stealing a person's digital passwords, threatening to post inappropriate photos on social media, or mocking on social media.

In recent years, abusers have used apps on their smartphones that are connected to internet-enabled devices in their homes. These apps remotely control everyday objects in the home. These can be used to watch and listen in or just to scare and show power. Even after the partner leaves the home, the devices often remain and continued to be used to intimidate and confuse the remaining parties. Examples of this include a woman who turned her air conditioning to a cool setting, only to find it switched off in the middle of the night for no reason. Another victim said that the code numbers on the digital lock on her front door changed daily and she couldn't get into her house. A third victim told an abuse hotline that she kept hearing the doorbell ring at all hours of the night and no one was there (NY Times 6-23-18).

Religious and Spiritual Abuse

This category involves the practice of someone in a dominant position creating a toxic culture using the bible or religion to control, harass, ridicule, shame, or intimidate another, preventing the partner from practicing their religious beliefs, or using their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them.

Sexual Abuse: any sexual act or unwanted touch performed without a partner's consent. This includes forcing a partner to send sexually explicit photos or distributing sexually explicit images of one’s partner.

Immigration Abuse: abusers exert power and control over their victims because of their immigration status such as preventing the victim from learning English or communicating with family and friends. Intimidation includes destroying legal documents needed in the U.S. such as passports. Economic abuse - getting the victim fired from their job by falsely reporting that the victim is undocumented.

                                University of Denver’s Four Safeties 

Dr. Scott Stanley, a research professor at the University of Denver, conducts studies on marriage and romantic relationships and develops materials that help people in their relationships. Together with colleagues H. Markman and N. Jenkins, he heads up the team at the renowned PREP (Prevention and Relationship Education Program) which produces materials used in pre-marital and relationship education.

Dr. Stanley and colleagues have delineated four primary areas of safety that are necessary in a healthy relationship. 1. Physical Safety is the bedrock requirement for a healthy marriage. There should be no threat of being physically harmed, nor should either spouse be physically or emotionally intimidated by the other. Domestic violence experts agree that fear of being hurt or controlled by one's spouse or fear that others will be hurt is a red flag in a relationship. The most dangerous patterns involve aggression that leads to injuries and/or ongoing control and intimidation. 

2. Emotional Safety: the comfort to be oneself and feel connected to their spouse. When this is present in a relationship, each spouse can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection. Scores of studies document that those couples who struggle in marriage and are most likely to divorce, are those who have more frequent and intense conflicts. ‎It is fairly easy to recognize when an argument is escalating or when one spouse is demeaning or showing contempt for the other. It becomes more complex when those patterns wear away at what people deeply desire in marriage. Emotional Safety: being able to be yourself and feel connected to your spouse. When a couple has this, each spouse can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection.  

Commitment Safety should also be prioritized.

Couples in thriving healthy marriages do not merely have a solid day-to-day connection. They share an abiding sense of having a future together, a sense that provides a secure attachment that is beneficial for spouses and for children. Security about the future is crucial because most people do not invest in something, whether a financial asset or a relationship, without some reasonable confidence in its ability to last.

Community Safety unlike the above three, is not in the sole control of the couple. Rather, it refers to the context of the marriage. Is the environment safe? Are there sufficient resources? Jobs? Healthcare? Is there stress from poverty or anxiety about crime? Are transportation and healthy food accessible? These are far from academic questions for many families and they highlight how important context is for marital health. Think of a couple like a plant. All other things being
equal, the plant with better soil, nutrients, and mix of rain and moisture...thrives!  Shalom Task Force Hotline: 718 337-3700. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800 799-7233.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New York and New Jersey since 1980, with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He serves as an Adjunct Professor for the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All counseling sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage.  dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707 

Can you Guess The Secrets of a 50 Year Marriage?

This is one heck of a sweet story from the Boston Globe. Click here to read the article. This is not a research study, it's just some wonderful quotes from some long-term married folks. Said Rosemary Kreder (91) about her husband, "His jokes are so bad that they're actually funny. And he always waits for the laugh."

Spoiler Alert: what are the two most common responses? Humor and Laughter. No surprise there. Not sure who first said it but....Take what you do seriously; don't take yourself too seriously. YES....inject humor and levity into your marriage...a well as your family....as well as your friendships....as well as your life! Laughter has been shown to be therapeutic, just like smiling is contagious. That's my conclusion and as Steven Wright says: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The Lost (& Final) Basement Tape; Video #12

Actually filmed in the basement, this is the last of 12 videos that I filmed for promotion of my book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size. In all 12 videos, I altered the scenery and followed the directions of Noah, my son-in-law. He was specific: "Pops, if you want these videos to be watched, you can't just be gimmicky; you have to have content." And that is what I attempted to do with each promo. This last video urges couples not to be haphazard about their family size decisions....and I remind parents....As Many or as Few, as Long as You Think it Through! Thanks for watching these videos :)

Marital-Passion Time-Capsule for Chinese Couples

Sometimes you read about an idea, and something just strikes you. Such as.....Can a love letter written in the height of marital bliss save a marriage down the road?

The Chinese government hopes so and started a national campaign on it in hopes of stemming the country's rising divorce rates. With the "China Post" program, newlywed couples can drop off sealed letters to each other in a state-run post office, and the government will deliver the letters back to them 7 years after their wedding day.

Why 7 years? Reminding couples at the seven-year-itch mark of why they fell in love in the first place, would be the extra spark needed to stay together, and away from Divorce Court.

After some three decades of counseling couples, I would say....NO, a mere letter won't "save" a marriage way down the road. But the idea isn't totally off-base because one thing that we use early in marital therapy, is getting both parties to describe (in some detail) what life was like "back in the day" when their marriage was flying high. It's important to consider what has changed, and when, and why it changed, in hopes of slowly rekindling some of that early passion with talk therapy.

Ferris_Wheel Relationship Can Doom Your Marriage

Do the ups and downs of your marriage feel like an amusement park ride?
Does this unending relationship cycle ring a bell: Trouble Begins > Meltdown > Silent Treatment > Cooling Off > Conversation Restarts > Back to So-Called “Normal”.

When I counsel couples who fit this profile, I label the pattern: a Ferris_Wheel Relationship. The biggest problem is that a seemingly benign cyclical pattern may, in fact, be on the precipice of a disaster. After the silent treatment, nothing substantial ever changes and most couples simply resume their lives in order to achieve a modicum of normalcy. In this column, I will describe the biggest danger that I see with this quite non-amusing ride and provide four steps for couples to utilize in remedying this type of relationship.

The Cycle
The Ferris_Wheel Relationship is no stranger in my three decades of counseling couples. An outsider might observe the ups and downs and quip….no relationship is perfect; if they stayed together for all these years, then it must work for them. But that is simply not true and this uninterrupted pattern of ups and downs can be catastrophic to a marriage. The main reason is that one spouse, feeling trapped by the cycle, often secretly plans an exit strategy from the Ferris wheel. Benchmarks in life that motivate spouses to plan their exit include: the transition to empty nesting and stay-at-home Moms who return to the workplace.

Don’t be complacent and think: what comes down will always go up. When the surprised spouse (often the husband) hears “I want out”, he may scramble (trying to use marriage counseling) to repair the damage done but it is often too little and too late. Researchers have shown that two thirds of divorcing couples do not receive even one hour of counseling.

The Repair Strategy
What should couples do if their relationship is spinning like a Ferris_Wheel? And when is the best time in the cycle to strive for a change? The Ferris_Wheel analogy provides these answers. When you’re on top of the ride (for obvious reasons) no one exits or enters. But alas, when you are on the bottom, that’s your opportunity. It’s a win-win strategy because things can’t get any worse.

Unlike a Ferris_Wheel, where you discharge and admit passengers, in a relationship, you have the chance to discharge some harmful habits and welcome aboard some constructive ones. Please heed this warning: when you hit bottom…..you must change something! No one seeks out a marriage therapist when you’re riding on top of the world, because who wants to dredge up painful feelings? People don’t do much soul-searching or self-improvement when things are just peachy.

Each time the Ferris_Wheel spins around and nothing changes is a missed opportunity. You never know how many chances you’ll get before your spouse takes action to free him/herself from the unrelenting ups and downs of the spinning wheel. One of the techniques I utilize in therapy sessions with these couples is the Marital Dyad Exercise. Each spouse lists what they like about themselves and don’t want to change and what they don’t like and do want to change. They then do it for their spouse. Predictably, the longest lists are…..things that I like about me and don’t want to change and things I don’t like about my spouse that I want him/her to change. Does it surprise you that we tend to be so self-absorbed?

When I advocate that rock bottom is the ideal time for changing something, I am recommending that you pick something you like about yourself and don’t want to change but your spouse doesn’t like and wants you to change……and start the conversation with each other. There is no fast track solution for couples who have circled in the Ferris_Wheel for years. Round and round they go….often not realizing that they have an ominous problem, but also the potential to improve their relationship. Take baby steps at first; large swings of the pendulum are too short-lived and ineffective. Seize the moment at rock bottom to try something different. Do it for your own mental and physical health; for the health of your relationship, and if you have children, especially for them.

Four Steps to Remedy the Ferris_Wheel Relationship
1. Identify this unending relationship cycle and recognize its potential harm.
2. Formulate a repair strategy instead of an escape plan.
3. Get a marriage-friendly therapist involved early on. Two thirds of divorcing couples did not receive even one hour of marital counseling.
4. When you’re at the lowest point and hit rock bottom…CHANGE SOMETHING. Discharge one bad habit and bring one good habit on board.

Fight More, Bore Less

Linda Carroll wrote a nice piece for MSNBC that belongs in the category of counter intuitive research.

Is boredom really worse than fighting in a marriage?

According to Carroll, experts say that shared challenges and exciting diversions are what make relationships interesting long after the wedding gown has been packed up and stored away. And the opposite, boredom and a dull, daily routine, can kill a marriage, squashing intimacy and romance.

Most research on long-term relationships has focused on eliminating problems such as conflict and tension, explains the new study’s lead author, Irene Tsapelas, a researcher in the psychology department at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. But surveys have suggested that boredom may be even more corrosive to a relationship, she adds.

123 Michigan couples (the first marriage for all of them)were interviewed for the study at year zero, year seven, and year 16 of the marriage (not a big sample, but I like the time intervals - author).

Carroll quotes Helen Fisher (research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University) which is always a good idea. And quoting Fisher usually means mentioning the neurotransmitter called dopamine.

People often show up in Dr. Barbara Bartlik’s office ready to bolt from a marriage because they’re bored. “I tell them that changing partners isn’t going to fix the boredom,” says Bartlik, assistant professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center. “By sharing novel or exciting experiences with your partner, you’re duplicating some of the brain chemistry that fires up at the beginning of a relationship.”

(It goes without saying, which means that I am about to say it anyway.....that I don't advise couples to fight as a way of building a healthy marriage. Click here to see an earlier post describing the research of Dr. John Gottman. He indicates that each normal healthy marriage comes along with a package of irresolvable issues, such as division of household tasks and differences in approaches to child rearing. The key to a good marriage is not the resolution of conflict but rather the regulation of conflict, according to Gottman.)

Spouse Disability Leads to Greater Marital Satisfaction?

The time has come in this blog, to add a new key word: counterintuitive. That word came to mind when I read about one study done at Brigham Young University which found that the onset of physical disability boosts marital happiness more often than not.

Consider these two Findings:
>Both men and women, regardless of age, reported being happier in their marriage after they themselves became physically disabled.

>Men whose spouse became physically disabled also experienced greater happiness in their relationship.

"The numbers show that couples seem to come together when one of them experiences physical limitations," said lead author Jeremy Yorgason, a Brigham Young University professor. The results - published in the journal Research on Aging - are based on information provided by 1,217 married people randomly selected from around the country. Researchers tracked the lives of the study participants for 12 years.

Exactly why physical limitations boost marital happiness is not fully understood by researchers, Yorgason said. One hint from the new study is that in some cases disability brings more couple interaction.

Author: I am always hesitant to be swayed by the findings of one research study, but this one is fascinating. And if it gives hope and support to couples who have been dealt this hand in life, it’s worth its weight in gold.

Avoid Divorce: Marry an Agricultural Engineer

True love may be the key to a long and happy marriage – but being a dentist or an agricultural engineer helps, too, according to new research.

A paper that correlates occupations with divorce and separation rates, to be published in the Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology (author: great name for a Journal) reveals that those employed in extrovert and stressful jobs are highly likely to divorce, as are those who work in the caring professions.

Dancers, choreographers and bartenders have around a 40% chance of experiencing a relationship breakdown. But also at high risk are nurses, psychiatrists and those who help the elderly and disabled. Conversely, agricultural engineers, optometrists, dentists, clergymen and podiatrists are all in occupations which carry a 2-7% chance of family breakdown.

It's all described in a recent article in The Observer based in the U.K.

Is the Idea of a Lifelong Marriage Obsolete?

This is a superb piece in the WSJ by Kate Hymowitz. Among her excellent points:

“Higher-income, college-educated couples are far more likely to get married and stay married than their less-educated and lower-income peers.” The typical divorce is not of mid-life couples who are bored, 20% of marriages break up within 5 years. She provides excellent statistics and a good grasp of the “marital satisfaction decreases with children” paradox.

My favorite line: (re happily married empty nesters) “Perhaps it’s the joint pride of a difficult task completed”.

And the title question’s answer is….NO

A Commitment to Marriage is No Joke (My Turn - Newsweek) by Dr. Alan Singer

What irked me about Ed Goldman's "My Turn" essay was when he stated regarding his 3rd wife and himself, "The fact that our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgements." That motivated me to post a comment on the Newsweek website. Ed Goldman then commented on my post. Click here to read the tale as it appears in my monthly Home News Tribune column.


June is for weddings, so here's a column on marriage. Ed Goldman used the "My Turn" space in Newsweek Magazine to describe his three marriages. In his essay, "It's Not About The Flatware," he focused on his current (third) wife Candy, and how they are melding their furniture, flatware and appliances, which were "acquired over a combined 75 years of adult life."

Candy's second marriage was abusive; Ed's second marriage lasted for 29 years, when his wife was tragically taken by breast cancer. Ed's essay is meaningful and well written, but one comment that he made irked me. Ed described something that he and Candy had in common, "The fact that our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgments."

So I took my outrage over to the computer and posted the following comment at the Newsweek Web site: "Ed Goldman's essay described the world that he plunged into, one in which people fall in and out of love sequentially. Social scientists refer to this trend as serial monogamy. His description of his and his wife's first, second, and third marriages is very thorough. But in my 30 years as a family therapist, I get bad dreams from reading scary statements like, our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgements; yikes! Thankfully most couples that I have assisted over the years care deeply about the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."

I said my piece and I didn't think about the comment I posted until something made me wonder if anyone ever posted other comments about Ed's essay. I went back to the site and had a look. Lo and behold, I saw that Ed Goldman himself had replied to my comment six months prior. Ed stated, "While I appreciate Dr. Singer's comments, I'd like to point out that my second marriage lasted almost 29 years until the death of my wife. I believe that says something about my belief in the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."

I was embarrassed and immediately posted this comment: Holy Toledo, Ed! I apologize for being so rude. I never imagined that one should look back at a Web site where one posted a comment. I told Ed that I did not mean to minimize the potential that second marriages have for success. I meant to maximize the potential for a marriage to be the one and only marriage for an individual, not his/her first marriage, and certainly never referring to it by the nauseating label of a starter marriage.

I will never forget the scolding that I received from the rabbi who married my wife and me. When I jokingly referred to my one and only wife of 32 years as my first wife, he admonished me, saying, "Joke about other things, Alan, that's really not funny."

On a related note: There is immediacy to the Internet that I have not adjusted to yet. The rule is, NOW is what matters. You write NOW; others comment NOW. This describes the popularity of Twitter and the importance of posting one's status on Facebook. By tomorrow, nobody will look back at yesterday. I missed my NOW moment with Ed Goldman and there's no looking back. I'm not sure it even pays to discuss whether this is good for relationships and society because it has already swept in and is the new reality. We might as well enjoy it. Does anyone still remember typing a letter on a Smith-Corona and mailing it to someone via the U.S. Post Office?

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com

Spouse Spats Mean Long Life?...apparently yes

According to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study, "Couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict."

Researchers looked at 192 couples over 17 years and placed the couples into one of four categories:
*Both partners communicate their anger
*In the second and third groups one spouse expresses while the other suppresses
*Both the husband and wife suppress their anger and brood

Get a load of this stat folks: "When both spouses suppress their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types."

Granted that this is not a huge study, but it is still a very interesting one. The lead author of the study Ernest Harburg explained, "If couples have good parents they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"

A final note: This release has a rather misleading title: "A Good Fight May Keep You and Your Marriage Healthy". It is not that fights are good for marriage; it's that anger suppression is bad.....and you can quote me!

So are you ready to drop those hyped up fish-oil potions that promise longevity and try something that really works...like screaming at your spouse? JK

Splitting Up to Make Ends Meet?

When you can't sell your home and you have a good job offer elsewhere, what do you do? You and your spouse might consider splitting up for a bit. Welcome to the commuter marriage.

This article on NPR covers some key issues. Census Bureau stats show that the number of people moving from one state to another has dropped 27% last year. As I said in an earlier post, there are certainly challenges in one of these commuter marriages, but I believe it is possible for a strong marriage to endure this; but not for a sustained period of time.

Everyone has a part in the goal of selling the house and ending the commuter marriage. Enlisting the kids to help is a good approach. The biggest challenge is to keep the house clean because potential buyers can stop by at any time. "We're a lot cleaner than we used to be" comments Nannette Dillon who gets her children to pitch in. Her daughter said, "We have to clean up after we have friends over...we had a snow day and all we did was clean." I believe it's an excellent way of teaching children responsibility. Nannette stated that it's not all about the money, "You need to be happy and for us, we're making the decision that our family needs to be together."

Agreeing With Coontz on Marital Satisfaction

I never thought the day would come that I would completely agree with Stephanie Coontz. When I have read her books and essays, on average, I am about 30 - 40% in sync with her thinking. Her recent op-ed in the NY Times was tremendous. Titled "Till Children Do Us Part", the essay describes research of the Cowans which is fascinating. Marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child; this we know. According to Coontz the Cowans found, "The average drop in marital satisfaction was almost entirely accounted for by the couples who slid into being parents, disagreed over it, or were ambivalent about it. Couples who planned or equally welcomed the conception were likely to maintain or even increase their marital satisfaction after the child was born."

I did not find myself disagreeing with anything that Coontz said. In fact I benefited greatly from her essay and I highly recomend it.
Click here to enjoy it as well.

Jerusalem Installment #5: Divorce in Israel

Divorces have gone into the 5 digits for the first time in recorded Israeli history, with 10,225 Jewish couples divorcing in 2008 (Matthew Wagner, Jerusalem Post). What I find interesting is that the divorce statistics were not released from a demographic agency (in the U.S. it would be the Census Bureau) but rather from the Rabbinical Court Administration. Further, Wagner's article states, "The Rabbinical Courts are empowered by law to impose sanctions to coerce one of the sides, usually the husband, to give a get (the document of Jewish divorce). These sanctions include blocking exit from the country, freezing bank accounts, halting welfare payments, and suspending drivers licenses." There was no discusssion in the article re why the divorce rate increased.

On a different topic, I interviewed Mayor Shaul Goldstein of the Etzion Block of communities (just south of Jerusalem) re the role of communities in marriage and childbirth celebrations. As I waited for Mayor Goldstein in the lobby of the Shalom Hotel in Bayit Vegan, candidate Bibi Netanyahu appeared. When I quickly grabbed for my camera, let's say it didn't evoke many friendly faces amongst his security team.
Look for a future post on the Goldstein interview.

Jerusalem Installment #3: Israeli Marital Disagreements

When Ezra, our tour guide, asked the group: Do you know what the 2 biggest disagreements in Israeli marrages are? he quickly got my attention.

1. Hot versus Cold: The temperature of the home and the car are an ongoing source of conflict. I can certainly identify with this as my wife claims that I have a "broken thermostat". For most of our 31 years of marriage, I have been hot and she has been cold.

2. Chol Hamoed Tiyulim: "Chol Hamoed" days are the in-between days of the holidays of Passover (in the spring) and Sukkot (in the fall). Husbands and wives have this basic disagreement: whether to travel the beautiful land of Israel from top to bottom in day trips....or to just sit home and be couch potatoes.


Postscript on previous blog post re lack of rain: This is the worst January rainfall in recorded Israeli history according to today's Jerusalem Post.

Are Commuter Marriages (a temporary necessity) Detrimental to Couples?

The NY Times had an interesting piece recently by J Conlin called "Living Apart for the Paycheck"
The Census Bureau reported in 2006 that 3.6 million married Americans (not including separated couples) were living apart from their spouses. It quotes Prof. David Popenoe, who I've known for many years; he's brilliant. There are certainly challenges in one of these marriages, but I have to say that I believe it is possible for a strong marriage to endure this, but not for a sustained period of time. One of the best points Conlin makes is how the bulk of the responsibilty for the children falls on the at-home mother. She has to be the disciplinarian while her husband comes home from afar and gets to be "Mr. Fun". Nice plug for Skype too (Online Maven take note!). It's a quick and worthwhile read; I recommend it.

Private Time Indispensable to Marriage by Dr. Alan Singer

Here is my 3rd and final column describing the couples I surveyed who are celebrating their 30th Anniversaries. It was published in the Home News Tribune on December 17, 2008. Robin and Michael refer to marriage as "an evolving state". Is that a good thing? Read below and I invite you to post a comment.

Nine New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this year responded to a survey I conducted. This is the third and final column devoted to their responses. I asked each couple what they wanted more time for. Responses included: we want more time together, family vacations and watching our grandchildren grow up. In the fast-paced, two-career family paradigm that is so prevalent, what couples want is more time together. But, two comments concern me. Susan explained, "I wish I made more time for myself and my husband, but in my life, everyone else came first." And Heather stated, "Once the kids were born, we never made time to be alone, just the two of us." Whoa! Red flag!

When couples have a child, they tend to put their marriage on the back burner. That is one reason that researchers have found that marital satisfaction tends to decrease with the arrival of each child. After life-with-a-newborn settles into a routine, couples must dedicate themselves to nurturing their marriage as much, even more than nurturing their children. Children need their parents to have a strong marriage first and foremost; to be Super Mom and Super Dad comes second.

These couples believe that the institution of marriage has changed in 30 years and not necessarily for the better. Susie and Barry: Divorce is less of a stigma. Larry and Judy: People give up too easily and get divorced without trying to resolve their problems. Linda and Leonard added, "Marriage is not a toy, that if you don't like it you find something else; It's a lifetime commitment." Professor Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) in a lecture delivered in 2001 refers to marriages today in the context of our consumer society where everything is temporary: "New is what sells — the past is meaningless. Only the future counts. Will my rewards be there in the future and am I getting enough out of this relationship?"

Last are several responses to the question, what is the most important thing that you learned about marriage? Most important to Linda and Leonard is, "The effect of being loved and showing love can only make you a better person." (Research supports them on that.) Suzie and Barry go a step further: "Love is not enough to sustain a marriage; you have to work on maintaining the love and the relationship."

Robin and Michael learned that marriage is "an evolving state." That response intrigued me, so I asked them to elaborate. "Nothing in life stays the same; it changes each day with each new experience and the challenges that life presents." They added, "As we grow and mature and are molded by what life brings us, it necessarily affects marriage. The hope is that your spouse helps you through those changes and that your relationship is flexible and can accommodate change."

In a 1998 lecture, psychologist John Gottman similarly describes the importance of "shared meaning." He contends: "Everyone is searching for the meaning of life in this journey of ours. The idea of creating this meaning together with someone else in a family is very key in building this friendship in marriage using the narratives, metaphors, symbols, roles, goals, and rituals that make life meaningful. This has a great impact on friendship in the marriage and on buffering transitions in the marriage, such as partner-hood to parenthood." Thank you to the nine couples who participated in this survey and Happy Anniversary!

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com

It's Not About the Flatware: Newsweek "My Turn"

I found this essay in Newsweek to be informative...and a bit disturbing as you can see from the comment I posted to the Newsweek site

Ed Goldman's "My Turn" described the world he plunged into, one in which people "fall in and out of love sequentially". Social scientists also refer to the trend as serial monogamy. His description of he and his wife's first, second, and third marriages is very thorough. But in my 30 years as a family therapist, I get bad dreams from reading scary quotes like, "Our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgments"...yikes!
Thankfully, most couples that I have assisted over the years, care deeply about the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage.

Dr. Alan Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com

Nine Couples Share Secrets to a Lasting Marriage by Dr. Alan Singer

Here is the 2nd of 3 installments about the nine couples I interviewed who are celebrating 30 years of marriage. I hope you find their responses as insightful as I did. It was published in the Home News Tribune on July 15, 2008

When nine central New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were asked what is the secret of a 30-year marriage, most couples gave a one-word answer. Maybe they thought the question was, what is the "secret password" of a long-term marriage? It was intriguing that this question received quite brief answers. "Patience" (Heather and Arthur). "Endurance" (Leibe and Susan). "Communication" (Steven and Diana). "Respect" (Susie and Barry). And Mitch, with his wry sense of humor, responded: "Inertia."

Let's assume that you heard the old adage about what counts in real estate: location, location, location. Based on the majority of responses from these nine couples, the secret of a 30-year marriage is: compromise, compromise, compromise. This gets to the heart of marital longevity. Do couples with enduring marriages make the transition from "me" to "we" better than couples who don't? A marriage where compromise is a basic component will be able to change and evolve, since each marriage is a dynamic entity.

Dr. Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) refers to marriage as a "continual learning process." That's an important perspective, considering the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. Finances, geography and careers change as well. And changes in family size tend to have a direct affect on marital satisfaction (mostly negative). Leonard and Linda, in relating the secret of a 30-year marriage, repeated two well-known mantras: 1. Try to see things through each other's eyes. 2. No matter how upset you are, never go to bed without saying "goodnight" and "I love you."

The follow-up question was, What is the most important expectation(s) that you have of your spouse on a daily basis? One reason I asked this question has to do with some fascinating research from the University of North Carolina. Wouldn't you think that couples who have very high expectations of marriage tend to be disappointed if it fails to meet those expectations and that they will not have good marriages? Not true.

"Dr. Donald Baucom found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want." (Dr. John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 1999).

Mort and Lisa expect each other "to keep in touch on a daily basis." Surely, we hard-working Americans endure stress and anxiety each day. But, that shouldn't prevent us from seizing a few minutes to touch base with our "better half." Several couples warned of the problems that result from letting job frustration spill over into family life. Susan expects Leibe to come home each day and be happy to share in her day as well. Arthur and Heather expect each other to be "kind, friendly, considerate, caring, and sharing each day." Leonard and Linda want each other to be "trustworthy, honest, loving, and supportive."

Robin and Michael provided this insight: "We expect mutual interest and support in each other's trials and tribulations and a sense of pride and gratification in each other's successes and achievements." Robin added, "Our marriage has gotten progressively better with the last five to seven years being the absolute best!" (emphasis hers). When I dug deeper into their response, they stressed the importance of couples preparing themselves for children. Numerous research studies have shown a measurable decrease in marital satisfaction with the arrival of each child. Children are the most wonderful of blessings, but the reality is that they add significant stress to a marriage.

"Early in the marriage, you are still learning how it works," explained Robin, "and then child-rearing sort of gets in the way of developing your relationship." Robin and Michael made it through those difficult years of young children and new careers. Unfortunately, not all couples are as lucky. Robin's explanation of why the last five to seven years have been so marvelous: "Our children have grown up and are more independent, giving us more time for each other."

Last is the advice that Lisa and Mort give to their grown children in their search for the right spouse: "Look for a warm, caring spouse and someone who will be your best friend." It is no coincidence that John Gottman's research (1999) strongly emphasizes this same idea. "The determining factor," claims Gottman, "in whether wives feel satisfied with the passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. Some men and women come from the same planet, after all."

"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's Web site www.FamilyThinking.com or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.

Love Never Fails by Robin Fisher (Star Ledger 7/11/08)

Looking toward celebrities as role models for family values? NOT
Click here to read the article in NJ's Star Ledger.

My letter to the editor:

Society would be best off not to look toward celebrities as role models for family values. The most tragic point in Ms. Fisher’s article is the 50% of marriages in the U.S. that end in divorce. One million divorces annually mean 2 million spouses and 1 million children per year. That’s 3 million new individuals each year coming to grips with divorce.

With respect to Mr. Schick, love is NOT all that you need. Spouses need to be committed to the institution of marriage as much as to each other. Second, infidelity does not always mean that a marriage must end. Last, regarding Mrs. Herdje’s comment, “You have to know when to cope, and when it’s time to give it up.” In my 30 years as a Family Therapist (except if there is abuse present) I am the last one in the room to give up on a marriage. Research has shown that 2/3 of American divorces involving children, are of couples in low-conflict marriages. Further, 86% of unhappily married people who stick it out, find that 5 years later, their marriages are happier.

Dr. Alan M. Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com