On Shpielkas Waiting for a First Child

Here's my monthly Home News column which appeared on September 22, 2009 and was titled "A First Child, and Many Anxieties". Arlene and Jeffrey are a tremendous source of information and inspiration.

When I first met with Arlene and Jeffrey, (click here to read my previous column) they had just finished their first year of marriage and were grappling with the questions:

When is the best time to have our first child?
What's the best spacing between our children?
What is the ideal number of children for a family to have?

One decision has been made; they are expecting their first child in three months. We met again recently to talk about their new perspective on life, labeled "transition to parenthood" by social scientists. Our discussion focused primarily on the uncertainty of life with an infant, striking the right balance of work and family, and their dreams for their child.

Arlene's second, third, and fourth months of pregnancy were very difficult, but she's feeling much better now. On seeing the first sonogram, Jeffrey commented, "It was a very moving experience to see the arm move and hear the heartbeat, but I didn't start crying."

Arlene shared her anxiety, but not about delivery; rather, about motherhood: "It means a lifetime of responsibility; it's life-changing! "I am excited but nervous, because I have no idea what it's going to be like. I'm an only child and didn't have any other babies at home growing up."

Arlene emphasizes that she had a happy childhood, but she always wanted a sibling. "My friends were jealous of me and said, "You have your own room and your own toys.' My reaction was, "Oh yeah, big deal. I wanted to share it with a sibling.'?"

Echoing Arlene's anxiety about child rearing, Jeffrey remarked, "We haven't talked about this much because we have no idea what this will be like; I have no idea how this works with a newborn." We discussed infancy for a while and it turns out that they have several good books at home. Jeffrey has actually read more about babies than Arlene so far.

On the topic of Jeffrey's long work hours, Arlene complained, "Sometimes he works ridiculous hours late at night, even from home. Then he's exhausted and we don't spend quality time together. "I enjoy time with him. I'm used to it and I feel like I need it. Now I worry with the baby coming soon, how does everything get balanced? When the baby arrives, it will add another whole level of busy-ness."

Sensing her frustration, Jeffrey responded to Arlene, "I have made certain work-related changes, and you see that. I have people working for me, and I have a lot of help these days to get all my consulting jobs done." I am encouraged by this productive dialogue between them, because they are grappling with the timeless issues of parenting and the work-family balance, which families have dealt with for centuries.

Rest assured, Arlene and Jeffrey are good communicators in a very strong marriage. They will make it through this phase of their family life. As we concluded our session, I asked about their dreams and hopes for their forthcoming child.

Jeffrey hopes for a healthy baby, and "to raise our child in such a fashion that he/she grows to become independent, enjoys life, and has a lot of opportunities." Arlene wants those things as well and is hoping that their child will be respectful. She explained, "I am excited to see who we created and how our two personalities are going to become part of our child. Sure, I am curious about appearance too, but mostly personality."

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com.
________________________________________

Research Status: Babies Born in Winter are Less Intelligent

This research is still as bogus as when I blogged about it last month, but since my son-in-law says that simply mentioning this topic will draw major attention to my website....well hey, I'm always up for a good experiment. Folks, correlation is not causation and please click here to read how I approched this topic previously.

Can we please discuss some research that is more interesting?
Like Liz Szabo's article on just how early children get rhythm. It's a small study, but a fascinating one. 2 and 3 day old infants can perceive musical patterns and even take note when a drummer misses a beat! The researchers suggest that it's possible that babies are born with a musical sense because it helps communication.
It's a short and fascinating piece.

Newlyweds Focus on Fitting Kids Into the Family Picture by Dr. Alan Singer

Deciding when to have children and how many to have, are crtitical decisions that couples are faced with. Here's how I dealt with these topics in an essay that the Home News Tribune published on 07/24/07:

When Arlene, 24, and Jeffrey, 25, who are married for one year, made an appointment to see me, they were very specific about what they wanted to discuss. When is the right time to start having children? Is there an ideal number of children to have and an ideal space between children? There are no easy answers to these questions, but I gave them some guidance based on scientific research and personal experience.

Arlene will not wait until age 30 to have a child. "We want kids when we're younger," she explained, "but it seems like there is always justification for pushing it off. We're always busy; I am studying for a master's in speech pathology and Jeffrey is an IT (information technology) consultant. Based on that, it just gets delayed and delayed, which is not realistic."

They like to travel and feel they should delay having a child to vacation together. "To see the world and not dump our kids at the in-laws," Jeffrey explained, "We really enjoy quality time together. We love sitting and talking, and we are concerned that, once we have kids, it will be a lot harder to have that quality time for the two of us." Arlene adds, "A big concern."

My suggestions were twofold. Continue to seek quality time together. Having a child doesn't mean the end to togetherness. While there is considerable research showing that marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child, it shouldn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will have their quality time again, if they set it as a goal and if they establish a spouse-centered family and not a child-centered family. Second, take vacations now but save some exciting ones to experience as a family. Traveling with children can provide them with enriching experiences and expose them to new cultures and environments.

I assumed they would wait until Arlene finished her degree before having a child. But Arlene surprised Jeffrey by saying, "My career is not that important to me." Looking at Jeffrey, she added: "He was not expecting that; I chose speech therapy because I can make a decent salary working part time and I like to help people." Jeffrey wants her to have a second income so that all income for the family doesn't fall on his shoulders. "I'm in business," says Jeff, "and I remember from my Dad's business that you have good and bad years. I want Arlene's income as backup if I have business problems." Arlene stressed, "Even if he feels more secure by me having the degree, that's worth it."

When our discussion turned to family size, Arlene, who is an only child, said that her personality is geared to having things at home be very quiet. When she spends time with Jeffrey's sister and her three kids, she can't imagine being able to deal with that. Arlene: "I want more than one child, but the thought of three or four overwhelms me. My sister-in-law is so stressed that she can't even do her hair, and she has three terrific kids."

Jeffrey, who grew up with two siblings, wants three children minimum. I suggested it's unproductive for couples to decide their total family size as newlyweds for three reasons. First, fertility is only partially in the hands of the couple; they cannot know the future. Second, a better approach is to decide on each child one at a time, asking: "Are we ready to have a (another) child now?" Third, couples cannot predetermine how much they'll like parenthood; they can only know after experiencing it. After their first child reaches the age of 1, a couple can decide if parenting exceeded, met, or fell short of their expectations. Arlene thought that made more sense than having two kids just because most families have two kids. I also informed them that physicians urge couples to space children two years apart.

Jeffrey ended the session by saying: "We have the kind of marriage that if one of us is upset about something, I insist that we talk it out completely. And 99 percent of the time, we get it out of the way before we fall asleep, which works for us." Arlene concluded: "I'm not worried that Jeffrey will decide to push four kids on me, because he is very sensitive to how I feel about things. And how we relate to each other is more important than a specific number of kids."
In my opinion, this terrific couple will be great, loving parents.

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer blogs at http://www.familythinking.com/ He is a marriage therapist in Highland Park and can be reached at DrAlanSinger@aol.com