The Overlooked Effects of Grandparental Divorce By Dr. Alan M. Singer, PhD

 Do You Think Your Grandparents’ Marriage Doesn’t Affect Yours?

Think Again!

It doesn’t seem logical and it certainly isn’t fair. Could my grandparents’ divorce have a negative impact on my marriage? There is merit however, in this finding together with research to back it up. Dr. Paul Amato studied the long reach of divorce across three generations during a twenty-year timespan. This unique study explored how grandparental divorce specifically impacts grandchildren across a variety of variables: education, marital discord, divorce, relations with parents, and well-being. Interesting that fewer than 10% of grandchildren in the study had been born during the time that their grandparents divorced, and yet the effects of the divorce still seemed to have a significant impact on this generation. Who would imagine that grandparental divorce could impact future generations that weren’t even born at the time of the divorce?

Important research on the intergenerational transmission of divorce has been provided by researchers such as Dr. Nicholas Wolfinger. I recommend his book, Understanding the Divorce Cycle, in which the author discusses the impacts on children of divorce in their own marriages with respect to both how they view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

As Dr. Scott Sibley wrote for the Institute of Family Studies: While we may be finally seeing a decrease in gray divorce, I think the mistaken assumption often made by older parents is now that their children have grown and left the nest, divorce simply won’t be as hurtful or disruptive. I would encourage older couples considering divorce to seek therapy and consider the long-term consequences to their adult children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. The greatest gift parents can give their children and their grandchildren is a loving and committed marriage (2018).

As a parent of children who have experienced the divorce of their friends’ older parents, and as a couple’s therapist, the following are my recommendations for children whose parents are divorcing:

Reassure children about the strength of your own marriage and your personal commitment to their mother or father. If your marriage is feeling flat, work on making it vibrant again. Dr. William Doherty contends that “Marriage with the long view comes with the conviction that nothing will break us up, that we will fight through whatever obstacles get in our way, that if the boat gets swamped, we will bail it out, we will recalibrate our individual goals if they get out of alignment, we will share leadership for maintaining and renewing our marriage, we will renovate our marriage if the current version gets stale, that if we fight too much or too poorly, we will learn to fight better, that we will accept each other’s weaknesses that can’t be fixed, and that we will take care of each other in our old age.”

Listen to your children and learn to recognize their perspective (aka empathy). Your children are perceptive and may be feeling anxious about relationships, especially if they recognize how much emotional pain you have experienced from parental divorce.

Finally, be willing to talk to your children about your parents’ marriage and what went wrong. Each of us can become more resilient when we recognize what not to do in relationships.

A Word to Older Couples Contemplating Divorce

Not all marriages can be saved; abuse, addiction, and affairs are reasons when divorce may be the best option. Numerous studies indicate that two thirds of the annual 674K divorces in the U.S. are those in which spouses have become emotionally distant, with a tendency to blame their former spouse and not themselves, for the problems they faced. Any relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die. However, when partners are dedicated to the relationship and united in making their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome. One of my mentors insists, It takes teamwork to make the dream work. And, The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

For those contemplating a divorce once the children are grown, it is important to carefully consider the short and long-term consequences of that decision. Talk with your spouse about the relational legacy that you want to leave with your children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. If you choose to get divorced today, how might this impact their lives? Many of the couples I have worked with in therapy that chose to divorce, later regretted that decision.

There Is Hope

In graduate school, we therapists were taught to be “hope mongers”. According to new research from Amato, for most couples that stay the course, marriage tends to get better over time. For the future of marriage and the strength of family relationships, each of us should be consciously aware of how our actions can impact future generations. May we stay committed to our own relationship and have the courage and foresight to strengthen our children, thus preparing them for their own marriages.

 

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. He counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). Married 48 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter at the NEFESH International Conference. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press    dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

KISSING! Seven Ways It Boosts Your Health

1.    The Most Expressive Gesture

 The first kiss mentioned in the Torah is when Jacob kisses his cousin Rachel, upon seeing her at the well. He expresses his joy and potential interest in her as his wife. A kiss such as that between relatives, wouldn't necessarily be considered a romantic gesture as we would understand it today. Author Josh Foer asks, “Is there a more expressive gesture in the human repertoire than the activity of kissing?”

                                             2.    Kisses Convey Blessings

 As Jews, we kiss the Torah in the synagogue when we take it out of the Holy Ark each week and when we dance with it on the holiday of Simchat Torah. We send an air-kiss when the Torah is raised aloft at the conclusion of the reading of the weekly portion. Many of us kiss the ground at Ben Gurion airport upon arrival to the Holy Land. We also kiss the mezuzah on the door as a prayer for safe travels and we kiss our children when we bless them on Shabbat and holidays. In the secular world, gamblers kiss the dice for good luck.

                                         3.    You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello

 Not only is a kiss a widely accepted means of greeting someone or bidding farewell to someone, a kiss can be a sign of love, respect, peace, or friendship. It can express affection, greeting, and non-verbal communication. A kiss can be a way to show non-romantic affection between friends and family. In some cultures, kisses are given as a way of saying hello, sometimes on both cheeks.  In fact, zoologists have even noted this behavior in the animal kingdom as well. Snails caress each other with their antennae. Birds touch beaks and chimpanzees even give platonic pecks on the lips. 

4.    Kissing Improves Mental and Physical Health

 Aside from the obvious pleasure of kissing, Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher explained that kissing affects more than just your sense of taste, smell, and touch. It actually boosts your pulse and blood pressure, dilates your pupils, and deepens breathing. Kissing raises levels of oxytocin, the wondrous brain chemical associated with trust and attachment. As an added bonus, kissing reduces cortisol, the stress hormone in our body. Indeed, kissing bombards the brain, and brings pleasure and calmness, while it boosts the immune system. 

5.    Come Together Right Now 

A kiss promotes feelings of bonding and attachment. Kissing is every bit as good as chicken soup as a cure-all for most of your troubles, according to anthropologist, Dr. Vaughn Bryant. Both women and men state that kissing brings them emotionally closer to their spouse. 

6.    Live Long and Prosper 

Whatever its origins, kissing seems to be advantageous. A study conducted during the 1980s found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work, live five years longer and get into fewer car accidents than those who don’t. They also have higher incomes than married men who don't kiss their wives goodbye. So do yourself a favor and go ahead and pucker up! It does your mind and body good. 

7.    The Mouth Contracts as the Heart Expands 

In closing, kissing is a language all its own that gives us the ability to describe our feelings that are sometimes deeper than words can express. Think of kissing as a contraction of the mouth which is due to the enlarging of the heart. A simple profound act that, interestingly, is of no use to one person, yet it is absolute bliss for two people? A kiss is that which you cannot give without taking, and cannot take without giving.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. He counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). Married 48 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter at the NEFESH International Conference. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press    dralansinger@gmail.com    (732) 572-2707

Boredom in Marriage is More Concerning than Marital Conflict

At the beginning of a relationship, everything about your partner seems new and exciting. Your spouse’s stories are fascinating and their jokes are funny. Your time spent together is fun and enjoyable simply because it’s time spent together.

Newsflash: those feelings don't last forever. Life happens. Work obligations and children get in the way. Marriages start at their high point and a decline in relationship satisfaction is inevitable after that. The first months of marriage are the happiest, but the intensity of positive feelings that characterizes the honeymoon stage, is simply unsustainable. The magic dissipates and boredom quietly casts its gray pall. Do not ignore boredom in an intimate relationship.  

 

Meaning

Meaning is necessary in social processes. An absence of meaning in an activity or circumstance, leads to an experience of boredom. This is a restless, irritable feeling that the subject’s current activity or situation holds no appeal, and that there is a need to get on with something interesting.

 

Marriage is Not a Passion-fest

What makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small and often boring nonprofit business (L. Gottlieb 2008).

 

Brain Stimulation Ebbs

Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, studied brain activity of loving couples as they lay in an FMRI machine. She observed that the end of infatuation is grounded in brain physiology. The brain cannot eternally maintain the revved-up state of romantic bliss created by the brain’s natural stimulants which are amphetamine-like substances. The duration of romantic love from the moment infatuation clutches to when a ‘feeling of neutrality’ for one’s love object began is between eighteen months and three years. If you want a situation where you and your long-term partner can still get excited about each other, you will have to work on it, because you are bucking a biological tide (H. Fisher 1992).

                             Marital Boredom Impacts Marital Satisfaction

Research findings by Elizabeth Muturi, published in the International Journal of Psychology 2023, describe boredom in marriage as influencing the spouses’ behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. This includes reducing positive and increasing negative interactions, lowering mood, and even impairing judgment. Boredom can impact physical and mental health. Things start to look boring once everything becomes repetitive and predictable. They say variety is the spice of life, yet sharing your life with just one person contradicts that. Sadly, when people start to crave something new, it opens the door to infidelity.

Boredom is Worse than Conflict

We therapists, are better equipped to tackle the issue of marital conflict than marital boredom. We implore couples to use and listen for repair statements to de-escalate conflict. We teach couples to use soft start-up rather than harsh start-up and that “I” statements evoke empathy and “you” statements evoke defensiveness. We stress compromise: neither partner wins it all; neither loses it all. 

J Gottman’s research indicates that all couples fight; it is inevitable. The key is to learn how to fight smart, so that spouses don't hurt each other. Although fighting with your partner is never pleasant, research shows that when conflict is managed in a healthy and productive way, it can actually lead to deeper understanding and an improved relationship.

How to Overcome Boredom in Marriage

 It is neither spouse’s responsibility to entertain or play the role of activities director for their partner. It is both of their responsibilities.

Seven recommendations:

Enhance the quality and quantity of your communication. Do not just “find” the time to be together, “make” the time. Seek counseling because sadly, less than 10% of divorcing couples talk to anyone at all about their marital challenges.

Share new and meaningful experiences together. The pursuit of meaning is more important than the pursuit of happiness because it is enduring. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. Think outside the box!

Spice up intimacy. If you and your spouse lack physical and/or emotional intimacy, your entire relationship will be affected. Find a certified sex therapist and start sessions to keep things between you as fresh as possible.

Straightforward conversation starts with “I”. “I” statements evoke empathy such as, I am feeling like we are in a rut.

Intertwine good mental health with good physical health. Focus on the triangle of health: Diet-make nutritious food together and make it fun. Exercise-join the gym and go together. Utilize good sleep hygiene.

Make a life of your own outside of your marriage. Have your own friends, hobbies, and interests. If you choose to stand still while the world keeps spinning on, you are without a doubt going to grow bored of your life.

Play and adventure are vital components of a successful and joyous relationship. Too often, we put “play” at the end of our to-do list. Recent data from Dr. John Gottman: 41,000 couples were asked what they fight about and 86% responded, not having fun anymore.  

Don’t Pass Down the Marital Boredom ‘Gene’ to Your Children!

In today’s highly scheduled families, many parents and children seem to be losing their ability to just hang out together. Unaccustomed to entertaining themselves, children complain of being bored, and parents feel responsible for entertaining them. The children reject the recommendations of their “recreation director” parents, get antsy and irritable and throw themselves into mindless television-watching or other types of screen time. Boredom is an accepted part of adolescence. Developmental and contextual factors are likely to conspire to increase boredom during adolescence which leads to health-risk behaviors. A study of 100K teenagers from 2008 to 2017 indicates that boredom has been steadily increasing among adolescents, with greater increases among girls (Journal of Adolescent Health, March 2020). Think: precursor to marital boredom?

Talmudic sages mandated an engagement period before marriage. The Tanoyim marriage agreement formalizes the man and woman’s commitment to each other. The sages understood that the nature of marriage is the magic tends to dissipate. It begins with the words “May good success rise and spring up as the plants in a watered garden.” Enduring marriage must be nurtured rather than to “coast” on the initial excitement. Enjoying the company of our loved ones is a skill. Practice makes perfect, and it’s never too early to start practicing!

One Hundred Days: Addressing Our Collective Trauma from this War Against Israel

No words can adequately express our collective sadness and revulsion over the events that occurred in Israel over the last three months. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that destroy a sense of security, making an individual feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves a person feeling overwhelmed and alone can be traumatic, even if it does not involve physical harm. “It is not the objective facts that determine whether an event is traumatic, but a subjective emotional experience of the event” (Dr. Dawn Apgar).

Initial reactions to psychological trauma can include confusion, sadness, anxiety, and blunted affect. Indicators of more severe responses include continuous distress without periods of relative calm, severe dissociation symptoms, and intense intrusive recollections that continue despite a return to safety (a.k.a. catastrophizing).

Immediate emotional reactions include numbness, anger, helplessness, and denial. Delayed emotional reactions include depression, vulnerability, and anxiety. Similarly, immediate physical reactions include nausea, sweating, shivering, and extreme fatigue. Delayed physical reactions include sleep disturbances and lower resistance to colds and infection.

Trauma can also affect one’s beliefs about the future in terms of loss of hope, limited expectations about life, and fear that life will end abruptly. There are also existential reactions to trauma such as despair about humanity (particularly if the event was intentional as was the October 7^th terrorist attack on the citizens of southern Israel). The trauma can also include an immediate disruption of life assumptions such as fairness, safety, goodness, predictability of life, and God’s protection from harm.

Perhaps the worst reaction is hopelessness which is a feeling that the situation will never improve. I recall asking the revered Rabbi Abraham Twerski MD z’l, if he worried about conveying a false sense of hope to trauma victims in his books and lectures and he responded, “I am much more apprehensive about conveying a false sense of despair.”

Seven Ways to Manage Your Feelings and Self-Care

 There is no right or wrong way to react. It is essential that you make space for self-care during this painful time. The triangle-of-health consists of proper nutrition, adequate exercise, and enriching sleep.

The first step is to recognize and accept your feelings as adequate responses to extreme and abnormal circumstances.

Seek support; look for someone who is able to provide a compassionate response.

Limit media consumption. While it is tempting to seek out any information and news, the repeated viewing of tragic and horrifying images is not only extremely harmful but it is slow to fade from memory.

Maintain a regular schedule and take time-out as needed.

Try to avoid getting to a point of feeling overly hungry, angry, lonely, or tired as at those points, you are more at risk for feeling overwhelmed.

Tikkun Olam! Do good things! Give Tzedakah, engage in prayer, and send vital supplies to the IDF or to displaced families. These powerful actions help alleviate trauma. “Remember, if you are having difficulty coping, it is not an indicator of your weakness, but rather a sign of your humanity” (Ohelfamily.org).

Seven Tips to Avoid Catastrophic Thinking

Catastrophizing is when a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.

1.     Acknowledge that unpleasant things do happen

2.     Recognize irrational thoughts

3.     Say “STOP” to break the stream of thoughts and help change your thinking

4.     Think about a positive outcome rather than a negative one

5.     Offer positive affirmations on a daily basis

6.     Practice cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), recommended by mental health experts as being effective in this area.

7.     Practice excellent self-care plus stress relief techniques such as: meditation, mindfulness, and journaling (R. Nall, MSN).

  

Phrases That Help Trauma Survivors: Seven Suggestions

This last group of seven tips should assist you in preparing for how to speak with trauma survivors. Your relationship with a survivor can have a positive impact on their recovery, so it helps to know what to say and what not to say.

Instead of “You need to talk about it” try “I’m here to listen if you need to talk.”

Instead of “Things will get better” try “I see and hear that you’re in pain.”

Instead of “It’s time to move on” try “I’m here for you.”

Instead of “Let me help you” try “How can I help you?”

Instead of “This made you stronger,” try “This has impacted you considerably.”

Instead of asking “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” try “Thank you for trusting me”.

Instead of trying to be inspiring and profound, just say nothing. Sit with them in silence (Amanda Gregory, LCPC).

Let us stand united in our prayer for an end to the loss of life in Israel and the safe return of our soldiers and hostages.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980 with an 80% success rate in saving marriages on the brink of divorce. He is an Adjunct Professor for the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work and is a Certified Discernment Counselor. He blogs at FamilyThinking.com and serves on the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He authored the book, “Creating Your Perfect Family Size” (Wiley). His mantra is: I will be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage!  dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707 

Approaching Healing with Realistic Expectations

Please don't be disappointed if this essay approaches the topic of healing with a measure of skepticism. From my professional point of view, there may not exist the concept of “complete emotional healing”. When discussing trauma with my MSW students at the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work, I begin the semester by quoting Dr. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy) who states that our role as therapists is to help clients who come to us for help with their “current story” leave our offices with a “new and different story”. Sadly, with trauma (which is often caused by horrific and unimaginable events) clients often cannot leave with a “different story.” Simply put, traumatic events are just not fair. One helpful perspective is that time does not heal, rather people heal with time (author unknown).

 

We're in a Better Place

 Often in couple’s therapy, after a couple of months of weekly sessions, one spouse will ask me, “Dr. Singer, we both feel like we are in a better place than when we started therapy with you months ago. We would like to taper down to bi-weekly sessions rather than weekly.” I am gratified to receive this hopeful and optimistic request. I respond by asking of each spouse, could you describe to me what you mean by “in a better place?” Usually this term means some healing has started to take place and continues forward. There are different degrees of intensity regarding the hurt or injury that needs to heal. Couples often describe communication difficulties that begin because one spouse feels talked down to or criticized or ignored. Healing from that type of behavior takes focus, listening, and attunement. It is quite a different story however, to work with couples in which infidelity is the presenting issue. The healing for infidelity, if you would graph it with an X and Y axis, looks like a roller coaster ride, not a straight line. Infidelity closely resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the healing is painstaking and slow. Even a resilient spouse who works diligently at forgiveness can turn around one day and simply say, “Never mind, I quit, I'm through.”

 

Optimism: Look on the Bright Side

 You can be optimistic but also be realistic. Infidelity tends to shake a relationship to its very core and render the marriage hopeless. If the betrayed spouse, having spent significant time in couple’s therapy, considers the cheating spouse to be unforgivable, then this marriage is basically over and done with. Bear in mind that forgiveness is not just a feeling, it is a decision. It is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with someone who has wronged you. Interpersonal healing requires forgiveness.

 

Comparing Emotional and Physical Healing

 A scar is the body's natural way of healing and replacing lost or damaged skin. According to the Johns Hopkins website, there are several dermatological procedures to minimize scars and choosing what is best for an individual depends on factors such as: age, overall health, medical history, tolerance of medications, procedures, therapies, and expectations for the course of the condition. Physical scars usually fade over time. However, the Johns Hopkins web page includes the caveat that explains treatment can only improve the appearance of the scar. It cannot completely erase it. That’s why I began this essay by suggesting that there may not exist the concept of “complete emotional healing”. Wouldn’t you agree that physical and emotional healing appear to mirror each other?

 

Tips for Healing Emotional Wounds

 Sharon Martin (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) cautions that while emotional healing is possible, not everyone returns to excellent emotional health. Martin points to commonalities among people who heal more fully from their emotional wounds and pain.

First, take baby steps. Dramatic changes are often unsustainable. Making small incremental and manageable changes creates a feeling of success, hope, and encouragement which are vital to carry an individual through their healing process.

 Second, bear in mind that an individual does not need to heal 100% to improve the quality of their life. It is not all or nothing. Even a modest amount of healing will improve the quality of a person’s life. Taking one step at a time will enable the person to notice improvements in their mood and in their ability to cope with triggers, relationships, and self-esteem.

 Third is to have realistic expectations. If we aim too high, we end up disappointed or frustrated - often at ourselves - which does not help us heal. One common unrealistic expectation is expecting progress to move consistently forward. Progress is more often two steps forward and one step back.

Fourth is to prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Work on emotional healing takes considerable energy, time, and sometimes money. Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body such as tight muscles, headaches, and fatigue - because these are your body's way of telling you what it needs.

Fifth is to ask for help! Healing is not meant to be done in isolation. It isn't easy but reaching out for help has many benefits including: emotional support, guidance, and the ability to break down shame. Seeking help is another form of self-care.

In conclusion, Martin suggests some helpful healing “meditations;”

I will seek help from trusted people who can give me guidance, encouragement, and love along this journey.

I am healing one day at a time.

I am learning to let go of what other people think and to honor what I think and feel.

I am learning to make time for rest, fun, and pursuing my own goals.

(And my personal favorite) I am learning to put myself on my To-Do List.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New York and New Jersey since 1980, with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He serves as an Adjunct Professor for the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All counseling sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage.  dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707