NPR-Cincinnati...My Favorite Book-Related Radio Interview

When the NPR producer called me regarding their national series on family size, he was kind in saying "Well, you wrote the book Dr. Singer." NPR is so chill; what a pleasant experience. They give you time to think and time to answer during the interview (and such a distinguished panel of experts-not too shabby). With the TV promotion of my book, all of life was compressed into 3.5 minute segments. I finally realized that the interviewer is going to ask me 3 questions and that's it.

One NPR caller to this show asked....When there are 7 billion people in the world, why have any children? I responded: It is totally your decision; in my entire career spanning over 3 decades I never encouraged couples or suggested, that what they need for their marriage is a child, or another child.

The most asked question of my book: So, Dr. Singer, what really is the perfect family size?  My book has 92 self-test questions that assist couples in making the best decision for themselves. Couples shouldn't ask, What is the ideal number of children to have? They should ask: Are we both ready to have another child now (regardless of gender)?

Click here to enjoy the interview .......and please support your local public radio station.

Predicting the End to Grandparenthood?

The occasion of my 40th high school reunion, was a chance to reflect on two things: how my classmates and I have aged and how almost none of my high school friends have grandchildren. As we mingled and shared family photos, classmates were showing toddler and teen photos of their children; I alone was showing photos of my grandchildren.

Why the dichotomy?

The lack of grandchildren is explained by simple math. In delaying marriage and childbirth significantly, my generation of boomers has thought it natural to wait until 35 or even 40 to marry and start a family. Careers, freedom to travel, searching for the perfect soul-mate are some of the common reasons for delaying…settling down. With life expectancy for men at 76 and women at 81, the odds of having much meaningful time with your grandchildren are slim indeed, if your adult child follows your example and delays marriage to 35 or older. The disappearance of grand-parenting would be a great loss for American families.

There are some serious consequences to delayed childbearing in addition to missing out on grandparenthood and they are: augmented infertility, which leads to elevated multiple births, which leads to increased rates of pre-term births and C-sections.

If my high school classmate got married at age 35 and her child is waiting until 35 to have her first child, then we’re about 12 years too early to be seeing pictures of her grandchildren, because just about everyone at the reunion was 58 years old.

People are passionate about this topic. Comments from outraged readers to a column that I authored on the consequences of delayed child-bearing include: “Pushy, busy-body parents of grown children continue to nag and harass them into having children they don’t want…ever consider that spawning is not the end-all and be-all of marriage, let alone of life?” Another reader declared, “Parents need to butt out of their children’s lives and if that means they don’t get any grandchildren, so be it.”

Hmmm, do you think I touched a nerve? What did I say that produced these reactions? I said that when parents are approached by their married adult children who say they plan to delay starting a family in order to establish their careers, own a home, and have fun traveling, the parents should not keep their opinions to themselves and say, do your own thing. At the risk of seeming like meddlers, parents should warn their adult children in strong terms that there are serious consequences to the decision of delaying child-bearing.

In my book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size, I encourage couples to proceed slowly and thoughtfully with their family size decision. In short: as many or as few, as long as you think it through.

The scenario that most concerns me and repeats itself when I counsel older couples is as follows: In order to make up for lost time and because a couple has a pre-determined family size, couples who delay child bearing until age 35 or older, will have rapid-fire children that are barely 15 months apart. That’s detrimental for the Mom’s health, family well-being and most of all the parents’ marriage. A space of 2-3 years between children is most beneficial.

Seeing my grandchildren is an affirmation that my wife and I have done a pretty decent job of parenting, which is demonstrated by our adult children deciding to start their own families. I’m no expert after five years of grandfathering, but I believe that the end to grand parenting would leave an enormous black hole in our emotional universe.

The Lost (& Final) Basement Tape; Video #12

Actually filmed in the basement, this is the last of 12 videos that I filmed for promotion of my book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size. In all 12 videos, I altered the scenery and followed the directions of Noah, my son-in-law. He was specific: "Pops, if you want these videos to be watched, you can't just be gimmicky; you have to have content." And that is what I attempted to do with each promo. This last video urges couples not to be haphazard about their family size decisions....and I remind parents....As Many or as Few, as Long as You Think it Through! Thanks for watching these videos :)

Ferris_Wheel Relationship Can Doom Your Marriage

Do the ups and downs of your marriage feel like an amusement park ride?
Does this unending relationship cycle ring a bell: Trouble Begins > Meltdown > Silent Treatment > Cooling Off > Conversation Restarts > Back to So-Called “Normal”.

When I counsel couples who fit this profile, I label the pattern: a Ferris_Wheel Relationship. The biggest problem is that a seemingly benign cyclical pattern may, in fact, be on the precipice of a disaster. After the silent treatment, nothing substantial ever changes and most couples simply resume their lives in order to achieve a modicum of normalcy. In this column, I will describe the biggest danger that I see with this quite non-amusing ride and provide four steps for couples to utilize in remedying this type of relationship.

The Cycle
The Ferris_Wheel Relationship is no stranger in my three decades of counseling couples. An outsider might observe the ups and downs and quip….no relationship is perfect; if they stayed together for all these years, then it must work for them. But that is simply not true and this uninterrupted pattern of ups and downs can be catastrophic to a marriage. The main reason is that one spouse, feeling trapped by the cycle, often secretly plans an exit strategy from the Ferris wheel. Benchmarks in life that motivate spouses to plan their exit include: the transition to empty nesting and stay-at-home Moms who return to the workplace.

Don’t be complacent and think: what comes down will always go up. When the surprised spouse (often the husband) hears “I want out”, he may scramble (trying to use marriage counseling) to repair the damage done but it is often too little and too late. Researchers have shown that two thirds of divorcing couples do not receive even one hour of counseling.

The Repair Strategy
What should couples do if their relationship is spinning like a Ferris_Wheel? And when is the best time in the cycle to strive for a change? The Ferris_Wheel analogy provides these answers. When you’re on top of the ride (for obvious reasons) no one exits or enters. But alas, when you are on the bottom, that’s your opportunity. It’s a win-win strategy because things can’t get any worse.

Unlike a Ferris_Wheel, where you discharge and admit passengers, in a relationship, you have the chance to discharge some harmful habits and welcome aboard some constructive ones. Please heed this warning: when you hit bottom…..you must change something! No one seeks out a marriage therapist when you’re riding on top of the world, because who wants to dredge up painful feelings? People don’t do much soul-searching or self-improvement when things are just peachy.

Each time the Ferris_Wheel spins around and nothing changes is a missed opportunity. You never know how many chances you’ll get before your spouse takes action to free him/herself from the unrelenting ups and downs of the spinning wheel. One of the techniques I utilize in therapy sessions with these couples is the Marital Dyad Exercise. Each spouse lists what they like about themselves and don’t want to change and what they don’t like and do want to change. They then do it for their spouse. Predictably, the longest lists are…..things that I like about me and don’t want to change and things I don’t like about my spouse that I want him/her to change. Does it surprise you that we tend to be so self-absorbed?

When I advocate that rock bottom is the ideal time for changing something, I am recommending that you pick something you like about yourself and don’t want to change but your spouse doesn’t like and wants you to change……and start the conversation with each other. There is no fast track solution for couples who have circled in the Ferris_Wheel for years. Round and round they go….often not realizing that they have an ominous problem, but also the potential to improve their relationship. Take baby steps at first; large swings of the pendulum are too short-lived and ineffective. Seize the moment at rock bottom to try something different. Do it for your own mental and physical health; for the health of your relationship, and if you have children, especially for them.

Four Steps to Remedy the Ferris_Wheel Relationship
1. Identify this unending relationship cycle and recognize its potential harm.
2. Formulate a repair strategy instead of an escape plan.
3. Get a marriage-friendly therapist involved early on. Two thirds of divorcing couples did not receive even one hour of marital counseling.
4. When you’re at the lowest point and hit rock bottom…CHANGE SOMETHING. Discharge one bad habit and bring one good habit on board.

Insensitive Research ? Video #11

Research is research....no? If it's valid and reliable, it should be quotable....right? Does it also need to be "sensitive" to its readership?

The diversity of the new American family means that less than half of U.S. families are now headed by a married couple. I was shocked when my publisher required me to remove this irrefutable research finding: "The best environment in which to raise children is two biological parents in a low conflict marriage."

He felt that since most American families are no longer headed by married couples, I needed to be sensitive to the family size needs of the majority of my potential readers. And so I removed that research finding from the final draft of Creating Your Perfect Family Size.

Rutgers Daily Targum Cites Falling U.S. Birthrate

What I liked best about my interview with contributing writer Rebecca Welsh, was the rapid fire nature of her questions. She had prepared what seemed like 20 questions, each one expanding on the previous and in sequence. I remember reading the Targum regularly during my 13 year stint at the Rutgers PhD in Social Work program.

Here is the quote from PR Web that caught Rebecca's attention: “Splendid” may seem like a strange reaction to the falling U.S. Birthrate caused by this recession, but that is precisely Dr. Alan Singer’s reaction. “I’m not happy there are less babies,” insists Singer, “I am happy that parents are making careful family size decisions in tough economic times.”

Here is the link for Rebecca's excellent article.

"The Price of Progeny" Superbly Connects Family Size With Family Well Being

Robin Schwartz is not only a talented TV anchor for Fox in Detroit, she is also a skilled free-lance writer for Red Thread, which is the monthly magazine of the Detroit Jewish News.

Click here to read her excellent piece on Family Size Decisions which cites my book.

She brings a deeply personal perspective to the discussion of family size decisions. Click here to watch her own family struggle with infertility that won her a well-deserved Emmy award. She spent long hours on the interview, writing, and editing of this essay. Then the Red Thread graphics department spun their magic and the end result is a superb article....THANK YOU Robin!

Hometown Miami CBS Segment is Unique

Of the 18 book-related TV segments that I did this summer…..Miami, which is where I was born and raised, was both the cutest and most scientific. Strange combo?

You’ll see when you watch the clip (CLICK HERE) how adorable these infants-with-Moms are that CBS4 anchor Ms. Cynthia Demos was able to assemble on a rainy August afternoon in Coral Gables.

And I really admire Cynthia’s use of scientific design. Earlier in the day before I arrived for the taping, she interviewed each mother and asked about their family size intentions. She then interviewed me about my book and each mother listened as I described the family size guidance that I give to couples. She then went back to each mother and asked about their family size intentions again. Some Moms changed their statements and wanted to give it more thought.

It was a very rewarding experience for both me and my middle daughter, who is completing her Doctoral degree in Psychology and accompanied me to South Florida for the segment.

Fox & Friends on a Hot Summer Day

Fox & Friends Weekend segment - July 24, 2011

The Right Number of Kids for You

Author creates your perfect family size



On the Friday before my F & F segment, I was driving across Staten Island, and my car’s outside temperature showed 113 degrees. I never saw a number like that on a car, not even in San Antonio last month. All day Friday, I was hoping that Fox wouldn’t pre-empt my segment because of global warming and have Al Gore sitting on that couch at F & F Weekend saying……”See!”

The original air time was 6:45 am as of one week ago. When I suggested to the producer, that young couples who will benefit most from the segment, won’t even be smelling their first cup of coffee at that hour, she agreed and moved it to 8am and then 9:45am.

Upon arrival at their 6th Ave studio, I was sent to make-up. Did anyone care to explain air-brushing to me? As I left make-up, the woman commented, “First time I ever saw someone hold their breath for an entire air-brushing”.

Bonus: Watching the segment later in the day……I noticed the book image that Fox used actually looks like a hard-cover book. There are no hardcovers to be sure; my book is only available in paperback. Now there’s the magic of air-brushing!

God, Spouse, & Children....in That Order

When Melinda Spaulding, anchor at Fox 26 Houston, asked me what I think of that prioritization (her mother's quote) she caught me off guard. After a moment of reflection, I agreed with her and praised her mother for her insight.

Not all the Book Tour interviews were that intuitive, but each was an unforgettable experience.

When Monica Malpass invited me to WPVI in Phili, I had no idea that we would be shooting the interview outdoors on a 95 degree day in June (photo by Zahava Singer). The camera man only had to stop twice and ask...."Dr. Singer, would you like to wipe the sweat off your forehead before we continue? Then Monica worked her editing magic for what I believe is a terrific segment on family size decisions. As much as I was sweating, taping is a much more relaxing experience than a live interview.

Click below at your own risk because my children tell me.....Dad, after a while, all the interviews start to sound the same!

Chicago

Philadelphia

Washington D.C.

Houston

Shreveport

Milwaukee

San Antonio

Your Life's Work Summarized in 3 Minutes

As you can see from these links, the book tour is well under way. My experience in TV has been limited but apparently, all of life needs to be placed into 3 minute segments because that is what holds peoples' attention.

Above (embedded) is the WXYZ-Detroit segment. The anchor in Fox59 Indianapolis (see below) was sharp and concise. He read the back cover of my book which says that (Singer) made it his life's work to study, treat.......and began the segment with the words that are above in the title of this blog post.

If you live near central NJ, you are invited to the Highland Park Library at 7pm on June 14 for the Author Talk.....click here

Here is the recent Home News Tribune article about the book (yes that is where my monthly column is published).

For the Highland Park Mirror article, click here.

And last, but not least....Here is Fox59....aka my Life's Work in 3 minutes.

Your comments are always welcome.
PS: Many of you have purchased the book and I give you a million thanks. If you have a minute, please go to Amazon and post a comment. Thank you.

Where Skill and Enjoyment Part Ways...Video #10

The "parenting" self-test questions in my book
are addressed in video #10. Water ski guy dealt with you-the-individual; washing machine guy discussed your marriage and you as a couple. For couples who already have a child, these category three questions cover two key (and different) elements:

Are you a good parent? (skills, ability, diligence)

Do you really enjoy parenting? (pleasurable, rewarding, satisfying)

Those are two very different questions, and the responses will impact your family size decision.

Cinematic Note: video #10 wins the “Where’s Waldo?” award. Few people can tell where I am and what I’m doing. Answer: in the garage pouring wiper fluid into to the hood of my car…I’m sure you were plotzing to know that!

What Do Family Size and Harry Potter Have in Common?

The book presentation/signing at Nighthawk Books in Highland Park, N.J. was unforgettable….and Mr. Steven Hart, the owner was terrific and couldn’t have been more accommodating.

Favorite Question of the Day: Asked by a married woman in her 50’s who has children and grandchildren……"Dr. Singer, is it presumptuous to give Creating Your Perfect Family Size to newlyweds as a gift?" Great question: I am going to give that one some thought. I am clearly more prepared for questions concerning the inside of the book than I am about the outside.

Click here for some other photos from the Asbury Park Press

USA Today’s Sharon Jayson Cites Dr. Singer in Her Cover Story on Family Size

Sharon Jayson wrote another excellent column and this time it discusses my favorite topic, family size. Click here to read her column from this past Friday and be sure to join in the lively discussion by submitting your comment. Here is my latest comment on their website:

It never ceases to amaze me how a simple conversation about how many children one should have....and what goes into the thinking behind that crucial decision, quickly degrades into a tirade about welfare and government subsidies. In my book that Sharon cited in her article, I guide couples through their decision process via 92 self-test questions. This is a personal and crucial decision. And most Americans when surveyed agree that every couple should be able to have as many or as few children as they want.
Alan Singer


For those of you in New Jersey, I’ll be doing a presentation/book signing at Nighthawk books in Highland Park at 2pm….hope to see you there.
And…….Happy Mother’s Day!!!(where applicable)

Menlo Park Mall Book Sales Enhanced by Silver Jag in Background....New Feature: Favorite Book Question of the Day

You know how important product placement is these days folks.....well I placed my product right in front of the Silver Jaguar on display and it did the trick. Barnes and Noble at Menlo was just terrific and they are the only store in Central NJ (and this continent) to have actual autographed books for sale.

It was Mom's Night Out at the Mall and there were mostly Mom's enjoying the atmosphere of free food samples, makeovers, and ear piercing Lady Gaga songs played by a DJ. But there were a lot of couples chillin in the mall tonight, so as they walked by, I would just shout out, "Hey Sir.....handle the family size decision first and she'll be more amenable to you buying that jag" (OK, I did that twice in 3 hours).

Favorite Book Question of the Day: A woman in her late 20's described: My close friend wanted a first child real badly and her husband wasn't exactly on board but then turned out to be a great Dad anyway. She wants a lot more kids for sure, she says. I am wondering Dr. Singer.....if I buy your book and give it to them, will she be mad at me because he'll read all your self-test questions and start thinking over the decision too much?

Marriage Makes You Mentally-Physically-Financially-Healthier….Children Are Another Story...video #9

Video #9 is about the self-test questions that pertain to your marriage. The research is plentiful…...marriage gives individuals numerous benefits that parenting does not (an excellent resource is the book, "The Case for Marriage"). Parents must have couples time to insure a solid relationship. They need weekly date nights, occasional weekend getaways, and to be close to extended family to save $$$ on babysitting.

Please don’t think that you can put your marriage on hold from childbirth to when you are empty nesters! A child-centered family is at risk for marital problems. Nurturing your marriage benefits your child (children).

Two Central NJ Book Events This Week

To my friends, neighbors, and colleagues: I want to thank all of you who have called and/or emailed me this week for the launching (by Wiley) of my book Creating Your Perfect Family Size. Your enthusiasm and good wishes are uplifting. The first two discussion/book signings are taking place this week in Central New Jersey.

Thursday May 5 6-8pm near the Barnes and Noble in the Menlo Park Mall, Edison

Sunday May 8 (Happy Mother’s Day!) 2-3pm Nighthawk books, Highland Park

I look forward to seeing you.

PS: please visit http://www.youtube.com/dralansinger if you are curious how a middle age man endeavors to sell books using social media

It's All About Me.....Then We.....Then 3 (video #8)

I use my favorite sport in video #8 to make the following point: having a child means changes to "your life" not totally abandoning "your life". The self test questions found throughout my book are provided to help YOU make your decision because there is no one-size-fits-all.....perfect family size. It's up to you both to design what's perfect for your family.

The first group of self-test questions help you look at and evaluate YOU the Individual. We want you to be in good shape before you have a (another) child.

Small Request: for those of you who have already purchased the book....Thank You so much! Would you be kind enough to go to the Amazon and/or Barnes and Noble website and write your comments on the book. Thanks again

What's the Ideal Number of Children & other waste-of-time Questions.....Video #7

"What's the Ideal Number of Children?" is a great research question for the Gallup Poll** to ask.....but a waste of time for thoughtful couples to ask.

**See P. 71 of my book for 60 years of responses from individuals who answered that question.

So, What's the perfect family size? As many or as few.......(did you watch the video yet?)

Personal Note: My Dad bought me and helped me set up my first fish tank back in the 60's and I've kept up the hobby ever since. In the video you can see guppies, platties, and catfish. I assume you were plotzing to know that.

Onlies Are Lonely and Other Mistruths...Video #6

Only children are not lonelier.
Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy; it's supposed to make you married (Dr. Frank Pittman)
You can't have everything, where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Here is how biology works; You have 1 child and you receive a new title---parent.
Here is how psychology works: How do you feel about being parents?

If parenting is "ok" and you are not all that thrilled with it....Don't-Please-Don't let anyone's comment like, you'll want to give her a little brother, won't you? influence you.

Video #6 makes the point that only children are NOT social misfits. They are wonderful, normal, and happy children. Don't have another child because of external pressures. Only do it because of your internal desire for another child.