In celebration of Post 100, I present my recent column from the Home News Tribune titled, "Times have changed; so has Grand Parenting".
In it, I describe my grandfather (born 1887) and my grandson (born 2007) and everyone in between. That span = 120 years. I pose the question, has grand parenting changed all that much in the last few decades or is it my imagination? I'd love to hear your comments.
Are today's grandfathers so different from 50 years ago? How different am I from my grandfather Abe Singer (of blessed memory)? Are there genuine differences in our grand parenting styles or is it just a manifestation of my social work background?
I do believe there are very real differences. I will forgo references to a generational shift, the post-war mentality of parenting, and other generalizations for which I have no supporting data. This is entirely personal.
When I reflect on our visits to my grandparents' apartment on Meridian Avenue in Miami Beach, I think of their ground-floor corner unit as being very bright but stuffy. I don't remember the windows being open, nor do I remember the air conditioner being on — and this was Florida.
These scheduled visits to our grandparents felt like they were mostly for their benefit; they were not meant to be fun. Only later in life did I discover that Flamingo Park, which was literally across the street, had the best ball fields, tennis courts and public swimming pool on Miami Beach.
On each visit, we would describe our school work and music lessons. My grandmother prepared homemade snacks and showed us items that she created on her Singer sewing machine (no relation, unfortunately). My father then helped his parents with their bills or by fixing an appliance in their apartment.
We had fulfilled the obligation of visiting our grandparents. There was an air of formality, and we were not allowed to wear leisure clothes. One thing that we three brothers learned while observing the efforts of our father was how to honor one's parents. Our dad was a wonderful role model.
By contrast, here's what it's like when our 2-year-old grandson and our children visit us: It is magical and has the atmosphere of a nonstop celebration. Whether they come to us in New Jersey or we go to their home, we endeavor to have at least one specific fun-filled activity. It is not always relaxing, but it is always memorable.
There is nothing nicer than thoughts of these family outings when I am on my daily commute via NJ Transit. It is as much pure joy as it is a transcendent experience and the antithesis of what I remember as a child.
It is fortunate for my two brothers and me that we saw how over-the-top our parents were concerning our children, their grandchildren. If I have learned how to be an enthusiastic grandparent, it is from my parents, not from my grandparents.
One final point: I remember how my grandparents lived and some of the things that they did, but I have no recollection of what they thought about, and I wish I did. My grandparents experienced the Great Depression firsthand. It would be interesting to hear their perspective about the difficult economic times we are now experiencing. My grandfather served in World War I. What would he say about Iraq and Afghanistan? He lost a brother at a young age; how did that impact him emotionally?
Here's my recommendation to current and future grandparents: write down, videotape, or better yet e-mail your thoughts on life to your children and grandchildren. Enumerate your values and beliefs; describe life's curve balls and how you dealt with them. These will be a source of enormous wisdom for the future generations of your family.
While a close relationship to our grandparents is not as critical as the bond to our parents, the knowledge derived is invaluable. We should take the time to put pen to paper or to type a few digital paragraphs now and then and click "send'' to those individuals we care most about.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site at www.FamilyThinking.com
Showing posts with label Alan Singer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alan Singer. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
'It's Complicated,' But Surprisingly Accurate
Movie reviews are not my forte, so I'd like to limit my comments to several important aspects of a thoroughly enjoyable comedy.
This Home News Tribune column was published on February 3, 2010. Written and directed by Nancy Meyers, "It's Complicated" focuses on the seemingly rekindled romance of Jane Adler (Meryl Streep) and Jake Adler (Alec Baldwin), who are the parents of three terrific children and have been divorced for 10 years. According to New York Times reviewer Manohla Dargis, "Ms. Meyers transforms a divorced couple into a romantic couple, which suggests a belief in love enduring, even after a marriage dies. That sounds wonderfully romantic, or a prescription for pathology — maybe both."
Dargis describes Meyers' movies, which usually focus on independent women, using acting veterans like Streep, who "takes this character and makes you love her, just as Mr. Baldwin does with Jake, who, with his shark smiles and thrusting gut, beautifully conveys male vanity in its twilight."
But my realism detector was registering low numbers while my comedy meter was registering high ones. Connie Ogle (Miami Herald) hit the nail on the head, explaining, "A quick and completely unscientific poll of divorced women in the immediate vicinity indicates that the premise of Nancy Meyer's latest film — that women can't resist romance with their ex-husbands — is more of a fantasy than the flying lizards in "Avatar.' "
Aside from the unrealistic romance-after-divorce main theme of the movie, I found several subplots to be accurate, even praiseworthy. First and most important are the children. How cruel (of parents) to tamper with the unattainable fantasy of the children of divorce, that Mom and Dad might someday get back together. Hats off to Hollywood for not scripting another "they all lived happily ever after" ending.
The Adler children, who are appropriately still devastated from their parents' divorce, observe Mom and Dad sneaking around from one secret rendezvous to the next. The children react with shock and confusion. This is beautifully portrayed by the three twenty something children coddled up together in one bed, waiting for Mom to enter and explain what the heck is going on.
The Adlers appear to be having a pretty good divorce. Worth sharing are Elizabeth Marquardt's poignant words from her book "Between Two Worlds" — "I want to shake loose those glaringly wrong assumptions: that divorce doesn't matter if parents get along. That divorce doesn't matter if the kids don't look like damaged goods. That divorce doesn't matter as long as parents keep loving their children. We also know instinctively that divorce should be a last resort, that even a good divorce is far worse than what some call a good enough marriage."
Last is Baldwin's plea to Streep to reunite as he warmly reminisces about family dinners, aging gracefully together, and how hectic those early years of marriage were when they were raising three young children. (My problem is that I can't enjoy a Saturday night comedy without the research part of my brain kicking in, similar to what my wife mocks as my quirky habit of curling up with a good book — and a yellow highlighter in hand.)
This is another accurate portrayal by Meyers. Plentiful research has shown that marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child. Additional research indicates that marital satisfaction significantly improves when the children grow up and leave the nest.
Unfortunately, Baldwin's character, Jake, left the nest for greener pastures way before his children did. Had he only stuck it out through the challenging times when there were young children at home, he wouldn't be in this complicated mess. Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site — www.FamilyThinking.com
This Home News Tribune column was published on February 3, 2010. Written and directed by Nancy Meyers, "It's Complicated" focuses on the seemingly rekindled romance of Jane Adler (Meryl Streep) and Jake Adler (Alec Baldwin), who are the parents of three terrific children and have been divorced for 10 years. According to New York Times reviewer Manohla Dargis, "Ms. Meyers transforms a divorced couple into a romantic couple, which suggests a belief in love enduring, even after a marriage dies. That sounds wonderfully romantic, or a prescription for pathology — maybe both."
Dargis describes Meyers' movies, which usually focus on independent women, using acting veterans like Streep, who "takes this character and makes you love her, just as Mr. Baldwin does with Jake, who, with his shark smiles and thrusting gut, beautifully conveys male vanity in its twilight."
But my realism detector was registering low numbers while my comedy meter was registering high ones. Connie Ogle (Miami Herald) hit the nail on the head, explaining, "A quick and completely unscientific poll of divorced women in the immediate vicinity indicates that the premise of Nancy Meyer's latest film — that women can't resist romance with their ex-husbands — is more of a fantasy than the flying lizards in "Avatar.' "
Aside from the unrealistic romance-after-divorce main theme of the movie, I found several subplots to be accurate, even praiseworthy. First and most important are the children. How cruel (of parents) to tamper with the unattainable fantasy of the children of divorce, that Mom and Dad might someday get back together. Hats off to Hollywood for not scripting another "they all lived happily ever after" ending.
The Adler children, who are appropriately still devastated from their parents' divorce, observe Mom and Dad sneaking around from one secret rendezvous to the next. The children react with shock and confusion. This is beautifully portrayed by the three twenty something children coddled up together in one bed, waiting for Mom to enter and explain what the heck is going on.
The Adlers appear to be having a pretty good divorce. Worth sharing are Elizabeth Marquardt's poignant words from her book "Between Two Worlds" — "I want to shake loose those glaringly wrong assumptions: that divorce doesn't matter if parents get along. That divorce doesn't matter if the kids don't look like damaged goods. That divorce doesn't matter as long as parents keep loving their children. We also know instinctively that divorce should be a last resort, that even a good divorce is far worse than what some call a good enough marriage."
Last is Baldwin's plea to Streep to reunite as he warmly reminisces about family dinners, aging gracefully together, and how hectic those early years of marriage were when they were raising three young children. (My problem is that I can't enjoy a Saturday night comedy without the research part of my brain kicking in, similar to what my wife mocks as my quirky habit of curling up with a good book — and a yellow highlighter in hand.)
This is another accurate portrayal by Meyers. Plentiful research has shown that marital satisfaction decreases with the arrival of each child. Additional research indicates that marital satisfaction significantly improves when the children grow up and leave the nest.
Unfortunately, Baldwin's character, Jake, left the nest for greener pastures way before his children did. Had he only stuck it out through the challenging times when there were young children at home, he wouldn't be in this complicated mess. Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site — www.FamilyThinking.com
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Helping Others is Rather Self-Serving
Psychologists claim that it is frequently the giver, not the recipient, who reaps the largest psychological gains from a gift.
Here is my monthly Home News Tribune column that was published on November 30, 2009.
In a New York Times article about gift-giving, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about the importance of gifts in helping to define relationships and strengthen bonds with family and friends. She described the "potlatch," which is a ceremony that celebrates extreme giving. Some native cultures have engaged in this ritual for thousands of years. "Although cultural interpretations vary," Parker-Pope explains, "often the status of a given family in a clan or village was dictated not by who had the most possessions, but instead, by who gave away the most."
Random acts of kindness abound but only if you know where to look. Here's something that I witnessed recently and there is no better time than the Thanksgiving season to share this story.
Last summer, I was riding on a crowded rush-hour subway in New York when the following display of altruism unfolded. Scout's honor, that there is no author's embellishment in my description. A young woman in her twenties was seated next to the subway door and saw an elderly woman trying to board the subway as the doors were closing. The young woman reached out her hand to hold the door, and the elderly woman successfully shuffled in. She shouted "Thank you!" as she was catching her breath.
Noticing drops of water all over the elderly woman's coat, the young woman said, "Darn! I can't believe it is raining and I forgot my umbrella at home!" The older woman reached into her huge multi-colored shopping bag, grabbed something, and said to the young woman, "Here's a disposable poncho that I carry around in case someone ever needs it." In response, the young woman jumped up, thanked her, and insisted, "Please take my seat." The older woman responded, "That's not necessary: I only have two more stops." At that point, five other people on the bench seat slid over so that these two new friends could sit beside one another.
When stories like this unfold in front of my eyes, I instinctively look around to see if someone is about to yell, "Smile! You're on Candid Camera!" (That tells you my age). I was so moved by this brief experience that I immediately wrote down the details of the story.
In difficult times people seem to help one another, even complete strangers. Maybe in the post-Sept.11 era in which we live, the awareness of our enemies who want to harm us motivates us to seek out family and friends and to be kind to others on subways and in supermarkets.
Take a wild guess at what researchers are discovering. Studies have shown that when you help others, you actually help yourself. The finest description of the health benefits of altruism and compassion comes from Dr. Dean Ornish in his Newsweek essay titled, "Love is Real Medicine." Ornish explains,
"Instead of viewing the time we spend with friends and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships are among the most powerful determinants of our well-being and survival. We are hard-wired to help each other. Science is documenting the healing values of love, intimacy, community, compassion, forgiveness, altruism and service. Seen in this context, being unselfish may be the most self-serving approach to life, for it helps free both the giver and recipient from suffering, disease, and premature death."
On that note, have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a Marriage Therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Here is my monthly Home News Tribune column that was published on November 30, 2009.
In a New York Times article about gift-giving, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about the importance of gifts in helping to define relationships and strengthen bonds with family and friends. She described the "potlatch," which is a ceremony that celebrates extreme giving. Some native cultures have engaged in this ritual for thousands of years. "Although cultural interpretations vary," Parker-Pope explains, "often the status of a given family in a clan or village was dictated not by who had the most possessions, but instead, by who gave away the most."
Random acts of kindness abound but only if you know where to look. Here's something that I witnessed recently and there is no better time than the Thanksgiving season to share this story.
Last summer, I was riding on a crowded rush-hour subway in New York when the following display of altruism unfolded. Scout's honor, that there is no author's embellishment in my description. A young woman in her twenties was seated next to the subway door and saw an elderly woman trying to board the subway as the doors were closing. The young woman reached out her hand to hold the door, and the elderly woman successfully shuffled in. She shouted "Thank you!" as she was catching her breath.
Noticing drops of water all over the elderly woman's coat, the young woman said, "Darn! I can't believe it is raining and I forgot my umbrella at home!" The older woman reached into her huge multi-colored shopping bag, grabbed something, and said to the young woman, "Here's a disposable poncho that I carry around in case someone ever needs it." In response, the young woman jumped up, thanked her, and insisted, "Please take my seat." The older woman responded, "That's not necessary: I only have two more stops." At that point, five other people on the bench seat slid over so that these two new friends could sit beside one another.
When stories like this unfold in front of my eyes, I instinctively look around to see if someone is about to yell, "Smile! You're on Candid Camera!" (That tells you my age). I was so moved by this brief experience that I immediately wrote down the details of the story.
In difficult times people seem to help one another, even complete strangers. Maybe in the post-Sept.11 era in which we live, the awareness of our enemies who want to harm us motivates us to seek out family and friends and to be kind to others on subways and in supermarkets.
Take a wild guess at what researchers are discovering. Studies have shown that when you help others, you actually help yourself. The finest description of the health benefits of altruism and compassion comes from Dr. Dean Ornish in his Newsweek essay titled, "Love is Real Medicine." Ornish explains,
"Instead of viewing the time we spend with friends and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships are among the most powerful determinants of our well-being and survival. We are hard-wired to help each other. Science is documenting the healing values of love, intimacy, community, compassion, forgiveness, altruism and service. Seen in this context, being unselfish may be the most self-serving approach to life, for it helps free both the giver and recipient from suffering, disease, and premature death."
On that note, have a Happy Thanksgiving.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a Marriage Therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Friday, October 30, 2009
Better Safe Than Stupid
Here is my monthly Home News Tribune column that was published on October 29, 2009. Doesn't it just burn you up to see a parent acting ridiculously irresponsible?
A parent must assume full responsibility for their child's well-being at all times, from infancy to when the child starts school, and then some. That's why something that I saw recently left an indelible impression on me.
One fall afternoon, I passed by a house in my neighborhood and observed that a man in his thirties was mowing his front lawn. Nothing shocking so far, but then I noticed a child, perhaps one year old or less, in an infant snuggly on his back.I stopped my car and stared in amazement because I thought I was hallucinating. This man was pushing a noisy power mower (with no bag to catch the cuttings) and his infant is strapped to his back for the ride.
Confirming my initial observations, I drove away wondering what this man could be thinking. I tried to put myself in his shoes so as not to be too judgmental. Maybe he is a single father who is adversely affected by this recession and can't afford a baby-sitter for one hour (feeble reason). Maybe he loves his baby, works long hours, perhaps on the night shift, and longs for this precious bonding time (ridiculous reason). Maybe he thinks his baby enjoys the ride on Daddy's back and experiencing the great outdoors simultaneously (absurd reason).
Aside from the danger of dropping the baby or the baby falling out of the infant carrier is the bizarre assumption that this baby might be enjoying him/herself while inhaling dust and fiber from the grass cuttings and being assaulted by the deafening sound of a rattling mower engine. And what a magnificent view of Dad's sweaty neck.I controlled myself from stopping the car and telling this man what I thought of his parenting skills. I want to assume that this man cares about his precious charge but just didn't consider how enjoyable this might be for his child.
More inexcusable is that he did not recognize this as a dangerous situation.
Tragically, injury is the largest cause of child death in all developed nations, accounting for nearly 40 percent of deaths in the ages one to 14. These statistics are compiled in UNICEF's Innocenti Report Card.The report further states, "Taken together, traffic accidents, intentional injuries, drownings, falls, fires, poisonings, and other accidents kill more than 20,000 children every year in the OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development) nations."
Traffic accidents form the largest category of causes of child injury and death. Interestingly, boys are 70 percent more likely to die by injury than girls. In every situation, parents should first determine if the circumstances are completely safe and then look at it from their child's perspective asking, "Are we having fun yet?"
Endnote: Not that you asked, but here's my (somewhat paranoid) list of recreational activities that are prohibited for each of my children due to safety concerns from yours truly:
• Motorcycles and convertibles (on the Turnpike versus 18-wheelers?);
• Hot air ballooning (just take pictures of them);
• Parasailing (200 feet high and your life depends on a rope?);
• Spear fishing and underwater shark encounter (can you tell I was raised in Miami?);
• Extracting cobra venom (Google "Bill Haast Serpentarium");
• Hang-gliding and skydiving (no explanation needed);
• Bungee jumping (not even worth discussing).
I think we've had a good deal of family fun over the years, despite the lack of participation in the aforementioned list of activities.
And wherever my children go, I always caution them: Have safe, be fun!
Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Please comment on this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com
A parent must assume full responsibility for their child's well-being at all times, from infancy to when the child starts school, and then some. That's why something that I saw recently left an indelible impression on me.
One fall afternoon, I passed by a house in my neighborhood and observed that a man in his thirties was mowing his front lawn. Nothing shocking so far, but then I noticed a child, perhaps one year old or less, in an infant snuggly on his back.I stopped my car and stared in amazement because I thought I was hallucinating. This man was pushing a noisy power mower (with no bag to catch the cuttings) and his infant is strapped to his back for the ride.
Confirming my initial observations, I drove away wondering what this man could be thinking. I tried to put myself in his shoes so as not to be too judgmental. Maybe he is a single father who is adversely affected by this recession and can't afford a baby-sitter for one hour (feeble reason). Maybe he loves his baby, works long hours, perhaps on the night shift, and longs for this precious bonding time (ridiculous reason). Maybe he thinks his baby enjoys the ride on Daddy's back and experiencing the great outdoors simultaneously (absurd reason).
Aside from the danger of dropping the baby or the baby falling out of the infant carrier is the bizarre assumption that this baby might be enjoying him/herself while inhaling dust and fiber from the grass cuttings and being assaulted by the deafening sound of a rattling mower engine. And what a magnificent view of Dad's sweaty neck.I controlled myself from stopping the car and telling this man what I thought of his parenting skills. I want to assume that this man cares about his precious charge but just didn't consider how enjoyable this might be for his child.
More inexcusable is that he did not recognize this as a dangerous situation.
Tragically, injury is the largest cause of child death in all developed nations, accounting for nearly 40 percent of deaths in the ages one to 14. These statistics are compiled in UNICEF's Innocenti Report Card.The report further states, "Taken together, traffic accidents, intentional injuries, drownings, falls, fires, poisonings, and other accidents kill more than 20,000 children every year in the OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development) nations."
Traffic accidents form the largest category of causes of child injury and death. Interestingly, boys are 70 percent more likely to die by injury than girls. In every situation, parents should first determine if the circumstances are completely safe and then look at it from their child's perspective asking, "Are we having fun yet?"
Endnote: Not that you asked, but here's my (somewhat paranoid) list of recreational activities that are prohibited for each of my children due to safety concerns from yours truly:
• Motorcycles and convertibles (on the Turnpike versus 18-wheelers?);
• Hot air ballooning (just take pictures of them);
• Parasailing (200 feet high and your life depends on a rope?);
• Spear fishing and underwater shark encounter (can you tell I was raised in Miami?);
• Extracting cobra venom (Google "Bill Haast Serpentarium");
• Hang-gliding and skydiving (no explanation needed);
• Bungee jumping (not even worth discussing).
I think we've had a good deal of family fun over the years, despite the lack of participation in the aforementioned list of activities.
And wherever my children go, I always caution them: Have safe, be fun!
Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Please comment on this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com
Thursday, October 01, 2009
On Shpielkas Waiting for a First Child
Here's my monthly Home News column which appeared on September 22, 2009 and was titled "A First Child, and Many Anxieties". Arlene and Jeffrey are a tremendous source of information and inspiration.
When I first met with Arlene and Jeffrey, (click here to read my previous column) they had just finished their first year of marriage and were grappling with the questions:
When is the best time to have our first child?
What's the best spacing between our children?
What is the ideal number of children for a family to have?
One decision has been made; they are expecting their first child in three months. We met again recently to talk about their new perspective on life, labeled "transition to parenthood" by social scientists. Our discussion focused primarily on the uncertainty of life with an infant, striking the right balance of work and family, and their dreams for their child.
Arlene's second, third, and fourth months of pregnancy were very difficult, but she's feeling much better now. On seeing the first sonogram, Jeffrey commented, "It was a very moving experience to see the arm move and hear the heartbeat, but I didn't start crying."
Arlene shared her anxiety, but not about delivery; rather, about motherhood: "It means a lifetime of responsibility; it's life-changing! "I am excited but nervous, because I have no idea what it's going to be like. I'm an only child and didn't have any other babies at home growing up."
Arlene emphasizes that she had a happy childhood, but she always wanted a sibling. "My friends were jealous of me and said, "You have your own room and your own toys.' My reaction was, "Oh yeah, big deal. I wanted to share it with a sibling.'?"
Echoing Arlene's anxiety about child rearing, Jeffrey remarked, "We haven't talked about this much because we have no idea what this will be like; I have no idea how this works with a newborn." We discussed infancy for a while and it turns out that they have several good books at home. Jeffrey has actually read more about babies than Arlene so far.
On the topic of Jeffrey's long work hours, Arlene complained, "Sometimes he works ridiculous hours late at night, even from home. Then he's exhausted and we don't spend quality time together. "I enjoy time with him. I'm used to it and I feel like I need it. Now I worry with the baby coming soon, how does everything get balanced? When the baby arrives, it will add another whole level of busy-ness."
Sensing her frustration, Jeffrey responded to Arlene, "I have made certain work-related changes, and you see that. I have people working for me, and I have a lot of help these days to get all my consulting jobs done." I am encouraged by this productive dialogue between them, because they are grappling with the timeless issues of parenting and the work-family balance, which families have dealt with for centuries.
Rest assured, Arlene and Jeffrey are good communicators in a very strong marriage. They will make it through this phase of their family life. As we concluded our session, I asked about their dreams and hopes for their forthcoming child.
Jeffrey hopes for a healthy baby, and "to raise our child in such a fashion that he/she grows to become independent, enjoys life, and has a lot of opportunities." Arlene wants those things as well and is hoping that their child will be respectful. She explained, "I am excited to see who we created and how our two personalities are going to become part of our child. Sure, I am curious about appearance too, but mostly personality."
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com.
________________________________________
When I first met with Arlene and Jeffrey, (click here to read my previous column) they had just finished their first year of marriage and were grappling with the questions:
When is the best time to have our first child?
What's the best spacing between our children?
What is the ideal number of children for a family to have?
One decision has been made; they are expecting their first child in three months. We met again recently to talk about their new perspective on life, labeled "transition to parenthood" by social scientists. Our discussion focused primarily on the uncertainty of life with an infant, striking the right balance of work and family, and their dreams for their child.
Arlene's second, third, and fourth months of pregnancy were very difficult, but she's feeling much better now. On seeing the first sonogram, Jeffrey commented, "It was a very moving experience to see the arm move and hear the heartbeat, but I didn't start crying."
Arlene shared her anxiety, but not about delivery; rather, about motherhood: "It means a lifetime of responsibility; it's life-changing! "I am excited but nervous, because I have no idea what it's going to be like. I'm an only child and didn't have any other babies at home growing up."
Arlene emphasizes that she had a happy childhood, but she always wanted a sibling. "My friends were jealous of me and said, "You have your own room and your own toys.' My reaction was, "Oh yeah, big deal. I wanted to share it with a sibling.'?"
Echoing Arlene's anxiety about child rearing, Jeffrey remarked, "We haven't talked about this much because we have no idea what this will be like; I have no idea how this works with a newborn." We discussed infancy for a while and it turns out that they have several good books at home. Jeffrey has actually read more about babies than Arlene so far.
On the topic of Jeffrey's long work hours, Arlene complained, "Sometimes he works ridiculous hours late at night, even from home. Then he's exhausted and we don't spend quality time together. "I enjoy time with him. I'm used to it and I feel like I need it. Now I worry with the baby coming soon, how does everything get balanced? When the baby arrives, it will add another whole level of busy-ness."
Sensing her frustration, Jeffrey responded to Arlene, "I have made certain work-related changes, and you see that. I have people working for me, and I have a lot of help these days to get all my consulting jobs done." I am encouraged by this productive dialogue between them, because they are grappling with the timeless issues of parenting and the work-family balance, which families have dealt with for centuries.
Rest assured, Arlene and Jeffrey are good communicators in a very strong marriage. They will make it through this phase of their family life. As we concluded our session, I asked about their dreams and hopes for their forthcoming child.
Jeffrey hopes for a healthy baby, and "to raise our child in such a fashion that he/she grows to become independent, enjoys life, and has a lot of opportunities." Arlene wants those things as well and is hoping that their child will be respectful. She explained, "I am excited to see who we created and how our two personalities are going to become part of our child. Sure, I am curious about appearance too, but mostly personality."
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com.
________________________________________
Monday, September 14, 2009
From Bed to Worse: and this Column is Rated "G"
This column is about spousal behavior in bed, and it is rated "G" because my children read my columns, and because it is not about intimacy at all. The subjects to be covered here are sleep research and marital communication.
The Home News Tribune published this piece on August 31, 2009.
As Dr. Paul Rosenblatt, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, explained to Kate Murphy of the New York Times, "Sleep is no longer viewed as an individual phenomenon."
Rosenblatt's research includes interviews with couples who suffered unimaginable tragedy. Spouses would explain to Rosenblatt that, "They dealt with their grief by holding each other and talking together in bed at night." It indicates how sharing a bed impacts couples and their sense of well-being.
Further, it surprised Rosenblatt how many people say that they are alive today because they share a bed with their spouse. A woman's seizure was immediately noticed by her husband. And there are other stories of couples where one spouse had a heart attack, stroke, or went into diabetic shock.
Most couples report that the bed is where they talk, and since most Americans sleep at night, there is also something about late night that enables couples to open up and connect. Rosenblatt suggests, "The bed is where they found privacy and were able to leave behind the distractions and separate interests that keep them apart during the day."
But there are significant issues that affect a couple's sleep dynamic. There are conflicts over bedroom temperature, watching TV, and reading in bed. Perhaps the biggest problems are snoring and insomnia, in which the behavior of one spouse negatively impacts the other and may result in sleep deprivation.
That brings me to a disturbing trend in home design (although this recession may very well put a damper on this). Separate bedrooms, separate sleeping nooks, and his and her wings are described by Tracie Rozhon in the New York Times. The issues of snoring, children crying, late night e-mail, and heading for the gym at 5:30 a.m. are some examples of what created this trend of separate sleeping arrangements in perfectly good marriages.
Rozhon cited a survey of the National Association of Home Builders which predicts that more than 60 percent of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms by 2015. One woman from St. Louis, quoted in the article, is a light sleeper who battled for years with her husband's nocturnal restlessness. She took action by reconfiguring their condominium and adding walls to create separate bedrooms. What is the advantage to separate rooms? "My husband is still alive; I would have killed him."
A good perspective on what's being called "home-sleeping-alone" comes from University of Michigan sociologist, Pamela J. Smock. "The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life. Once women's roles have changed, and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship, if one of them snores, the other won't be able to perform the next day. It's not necessarily indicative of marital discord."
A professor of otolaryngology wrote a letter to the editor and described snoring, which may signal the presence of obstructive sleep apnea. If left untreated, sleep apnea increases one's risk for depression, heart disease and stroke. He suggests that it be treated before building separate bedrooms. "In my practice," he emphasized, "I have seen countless couples able to sleep in the same room again."
For a wealth of information on sleep disorders, visit www.sleepfoundation.org
Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
The Home News Tribune published this piece on August 31, 2009.
As Dr. Paul Rosenblatt, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota, explained to Kate Murphy of the New York Times, "Sleep is no longer viewed as an individual phenomenon."
Rosenblatt's research includes interviews with couples who suffered unimaginable tragedy. Spouses would explain to Rosenblatt that, "They dealt with their grief by holding each other and talking together in bed at night." It indicates how sharing a bed impacts couples and their sense of well-being.
Further, it surprised Rosenblatt how many people say that they are alive today because they share a bed with their spouse. A woman's seizure was immediately noticed by her husband. And there are other stories of couples where one spouse had a heart attack, stroke, or went into diabetic shock.
Most couples report that the bed is where they talk, and since most Americans sleep at night, there is also something about late night that enables couples to open up and connect. Rosenblatt suggests, "The bed is where they found privacy and were able to leave behind the distractions and separate interests that keep them apart during the day."
But there are significant issues that affect a couple's sleep dynamic. There are conflicts over bedroom temperature, watching TV, and reading in bed. Perhaps the biggest problems are snoring and insomnia, in which the behavior of one spouse negatively impacts the other and may result in sleep deprivation.
That brings me to a disturbing trend in home design (although this recession may very well put a damper on this). Separate bedrooms, separate sleeping nooks, and his and her wings are described by Tracie Rozhon in the New York Times. The issues of snoring, children crying, late night e-mail, and heading for the gym at 5:30 a.m. are some examples of what created this trend of separate sleeping arrangements in perfectly good marriages.
Rozhon cited a survey of the National Association of Home Builders which predicts that more than 60 percent of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms by 2015. One woman from St. Louis, quoted in the article, is a light sleeper who battled for years with her husband's nocturnal restlessness. She took action by reconfiguring their condominium and adding walls to create separate bedrooms. What is the advantage to separate rooms? "My husband is still alive; I would have killed him."
A good perspective on what's being called "home-sleeping-alone" comes from University of Michigan sociologist, Pamela J. Smock. "The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life. Once women's roles have changed, and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship, if one of them snores, the other won't be able to perform the next day. It's not necessarily indicative of marital discord."
A professor of otolaryngology wrote a letter to the editor and described snoring, which may signal the presence of obstructive sleep apnea. If left untreated, sleep apnea increases one's risk for depression, heart disease and stroke. He suggests that it be treated before building separate bedrooms. "In my practice," he emphasized, "I have seen countless couples able to sleep in the same room again."
For a wealth of information on sleep disorders, visit www.sleepfoundation.org
Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Seeing the World Through a Child's Eyes
The things that fascinate adults may not impress children at all and vice versa. In my latest Home News Tribune column I discuss this topic.
You can try to impress young children by showing them the wonders of the world, but it might not be a good investment of your time. What you think will leave them awestruck doesn't, and the seemingly minor details of life will amaze them. So don't try to predict what will fascinate them. Instead, just observe, listen, and learn.
An article that sparked my interest in this topic appeared in The New York Times: "Test Subjects Who Call the Scientist Mom or Dad." In it, Pam Belluck describes scientists who use their children as research subjects. Studying their own children allows researchers a more in-depth investigation. Their children make reliable participants and are willing subjects in an era of scarce research funding.
One MIT professor embedded 11 video cameras and 14 microphones in ceilings throughout his house; he recorded 70 percent of his son's waking hours for his first three years. He amassed 250,000 hours of tape for a language development study that he called "The Human Speechnome Project," according to Belluck.
Similarly (and don't tell my daughter and son-in-law) I am constantly studying my toddler grandson's every move and word, but without cameras and microphones. I cherish the opportunity to watch his growth and development up close and in real time. I soak up every detail of what he sees, hears, touches, and interacts with. The phone rings and he says, "Uh-oh," which is an interesting reaction. He's fascinated by a daddy long-legs bug and pursues it with no fear whatsoever. I was yelling, "Yuckee bug ? don't touch!" and he continues on his mission to investigate how something so small can move so fast on its own.
He could say "up" or "outside" to me, since he regularly uses these words, but sometimes he'll simply choose to walk over and grab my finger, start pulling, and take me exactly where he wants us to go. Dare I attempt to guess what he's thinking, or what he finds interesting? Not a chance.
Recently, when my grandson was visiting our home, there was a backhoe on our block excavating a basement for a new house. I came home from work, ran inside, grabbed my grandson and his jacket, and hurried down the block to watch the backhoe with him. The machine operator saw us, waved, and beeped his horn. In my mind, I couldn't imagine anything more exciting for a little child to experience. That's when my grandson turned, pointed and screamed "Ball!" He was thrilled to point out to me that there was a basketball sitting nearby on another neighbor's lawn. That which I figured would mesmerize him, clearly did not.
Do adults know what impresses young children? Try asking our "father-in-chief" of the United States. While appearing on the "Tonight" show several months ago, President Barack Obama described how impressive the ride is in Marine One. The helicopter lifted off the White House lawn and headed for Camp David. Below, symbols of our nation's history were in full view.
Soaring higher, they flew over the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Monument. Quite an impressive sight, don't you agree? Sasha Obama, while scanning the amenities of the presidential helicopter, was oblivious to the magnificent view, and asked her Dad, "Can I have one of those Starburst candies in the jar?" She was appreciating Marine One on her own childlike level and her father was intuitive enough to understand that.
This column is dedicated to our grandson on his second birthday.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website http://www.familythinking.com/
You can try to impress young children by showing them the wonders of the world, but it might not be a good investment of your time. What you think will leave them awestruck doesn't, and the seemingly minor details of life will amaze them. So don't try to predict what will fascinate them. Instead, just observe, listen, and learn.
An article that sparked my interest in this topic appeared in The New York Times: "Test Subjects Who Call the Scientist Mom or Dad." In it, Pam Belluck describes scientists who use their children as research subjects. Studying their own children allows researchers a more in-depth investigation. Their children make reliable participants and are willing subjects in an era of scarce research funding.
One MIT professor embedded 11 video cameras and 14 microphones in ceilings throughout his house; he recorded 70 percent of his son's waking hours for his first three years. He amassed 250,000 hours of tape for a language development study that he called "The Human Speechnome Project," according to Belluck.
Similarly (and don't tell my daughter and son-in-law) I am constantly studying my toddler grandson's every move and word, but without cameras and microphones. I cherish the opportunity to watch his growth and development up close and in real time. I soak up every detail of what he sees, hears, touches, and interacts with. The phone rings and he says, "Uh-oh," which is an interesting reaction. He's fascinated by a daddy long-legs bug and pursues it with no fear whatsoever. I was yelling, "Yuckee bug ? don't touch!" and he continues on his mission to investigate how something so small can move so fast on its own.
He could say "up" or "outside" to me, since he regularly uses these words, but sometimes he'll simply choose to walk over and grab my finger, start pulling, and take me exactly where he wants us to go. Dare I attempt to guess what he's thinking, or what he finds interesting? Not a chance.
Recently, when my grandson was visiting our home, there was a backhoe on our block excavating a basement for a new house. I came home from work, ran inside, grabbed my grandson and his jacket, and hurried down the block to watch the backhoe with him. The machine operator saw us, waved, and beeped his horn. In my mind, I couldn't imagine anything more exciting for a little child to experience. That's when my grandson turned, pointed and screamed "Ball!" He was thrilled to point out to me that there was a basketball sitting nearby on another neighbor's lawn. That which I figured would mesmerize him, clearly did not.
Do adults know what impresses young children? Try asking our "father-in-chief" of the United States. While appearing on the "Tonight" show several months ago, President Barack Obama described how impressive the ride is in Marine One. The helicopter lifted off the White House lawn and headed for Camp David. Below, symbols of our nation's history were in full view.
Soaring higher, they flew over the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Monument. Quite an impressive sight, don't you agree? Sasha Obama, while scanning the amenities of the presidential helicopter, was oblivious to the magnificent view, and asked her Dad, "Can I have one of those Starburst candies in the jar?" She was appreciating Marine One on her own childlike level and her father was intuitive enough to understand that.
This column is dedicated to our grandson on his second birthday.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website http://www.familythinking.com/
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
A Commitment to Marriage is No Joke (My Turn - Newsweek) by Dr. Alan Singer
What irked me about Ed Goldman's "My Turn" essay was when he stated regarding his 3rd wife and himself, "The fact that our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgements." That motivated me to post a comment on the Newsweek website. Ed Goldman then commented on my post. Click here to read the tale as it appears in my monthly Home News Tribune column.
June is for weddings, so here's a column on marriage. Ed Goldman used the "My Turn" space in Newsweek Magazine to describe his three marriages. In his essay, "It's Not About The Flatware," he focused on his current (third) wife Candy, and how they are melding their furniture, flatware and appliances, which were "acquired over a combined 75 years of adult life."
Candy's second marriage was abusive; Ed's second marriage lasted for 29 years, when his wife was tragically taken by breast cancer. Ed's essay is meaningful and well written, but one comment that he made irked me. Ed described something that he and Candy had in common, "The fact that our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgments."
So I took my outrage over to the computer and posted the following comment at the Newsweek Web site: "Ed Goldman's essay described the world that he plunged into, one in which people fall in and out of love sequentially. Social scientists refer to this trend as serial monogamy. His description of his and his wife's first, second, and third marriages is very thorough. But in my 30 years as a family therapist, I get bad dreams from reading scary statements like, our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgements; yikes! Thankfully most couples that I have assisted over the years care deeply about the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."
I said my piece and I didn't think about the comment I posted until something made me wonder if anyone ever posted other comments about Ed's essay. I went back to the site and had a look. Lo and behold, I saw that Ed Goldman himself had replied to my comment six months prior. Ed stated, "While I appreciate Dr. Singer's comments, I'd like to point out that my second marriage lasted almost 29 years until the death of my wife. I believe that says something about my belief in the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."
I was embarrassed and immediately posted this comment: Holy Toledo, Ed! I apologize for being so rude. I never imagined that one should look back at a Web site where one posted a comment. I told Ed that I did not mean to minimize the potential that second marriages have for success. I meant to maximize the potential for a marriage to be the one and only marriage for an individual, not his/her first marriage, and certainly never referring to it by the nauseating label of a starter marriage.
I will never forget the scolding that I received from the rabbi who married my wife and me. When I jokingly referred to my one and only wife of 32 years as my first wife, he admonished me, saying, "Joke about other things, Alan, that's really not funny."
On a related note: There is immediacy to the Internet that I have not adjusted to yet. The rule is, NOW is what matters. You write NOW; others comment NOW. This describes the popularity of Twitter and the importance of posting one's status on Facebook. By tomorrow, nobody will look back at yesterday. I missed my NOW moment with Ed Goldman and there's no looking back. I'm not sure it even pays to discuss whether this is good for relationships and society because it has already swept in and is the new reality. We might as well enjoy it. Does anyone still remember typing a letter on a Smith-Corona and mailing it to someone via the U.S. Post Office?
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
June is for weddings, so here's a column on marriage. Ed Goldman used the "My Turn" space in Newsweek Magazine to describe his three marriages. In his essay, "It's Not About The Flatware," he focused on his current (third) wife Candy, and how they are melding their furniture, flatware and appliances, which were "acquired over a combined 75 years of adult life."
Candy's second marriage was abusive; Ed's second marriage lasted for 29 years, when his wife was tragically taken by breast cancer. Ed's essay is meaningful and well written, but one comment that he made irked me. Ed described something that he and Candy had in common, "The fact that our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgments."
So I took my outrage over to the computer and posted the following comment at the Newsweek Web site: "Ed Goldman's essay described the world that he plunged into, one in which people fall in and out of love sequentially. Social scientists refer to this trend as serial monogamy. His description of his and his wife's first, second, and third marriages is very thorough. But in my 30 years as a family therapist, I get bad dreams from reading scary statements like, our first marriages were relatively brief misjudgements; yikes! Thankfully most couples that I have assisted over the years care deeply about the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."
I said my piece and I didn't think about the comment I posted until something made me wonder if anyone ever posted other comments about Ed's essay. I went back to the site and had a look. Lo and behold, I saw that Ed Goldman himself had replied to my comment six months prior. Ed stated, "While I appreciate Dr. Singer's comments, I'd like to point out that my second marriage lasted almost 29 years until the death of my wife. I believe that says something about my belief in the enduring and vital institution we know as marriage."
I was embarrassed and immediately posted this comment: Holy Toledo, Ed! I apologize for being so rude. I never imagined that one should look back at a Web site where one posted a comment. I told Ed that I did not mean to minimize the potential that second marriages have for success. I meant to maximize the potential for a marriage to be the one and only marriage for an individual, not his/her first marriage, and certainly never referring to it by the nauseating label of a starter marriage.
I will never forget the scolding that I received from the rabbi who married my wife and me. When I jokingly referred to my one and only wife of 32 years as my first wife, he admonished me, saying, "Joke about other things, Alan, that's really not funny."
On a related note: There is immediacy to the Internet that I have not adjusted to yet. The rule is, NOW is what matters. You write NOW; others comment NOW. This describes the popularity of Twitter and the importance of posting one's status on Facebook. By tomorrow, nobody will look back at yesterday. I missed my NOW moment with Ed Goldman and there's no looking back. I'm not sure it even pays to discuss whether this is good for relationships and society because it has already swept in and is the new reality. We might as well enjoy it. Does anyone still remember typing a letter on a Smith-Corona and mailing it to someone via the U.S. Post Office?
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Keri's Decision to Remain Childfree by Dr. Alan Singer
Keri objected to my column on the consequences of delayed childbearing. This column was published in the Home News Tribune on May 29, 2009. Be sure to take note of the strangest interview question I ever asked....in the next to last paragraph. I viewed our correspondence as a valuable experience since I don't get many opportunities to dialogue with articulate, child-free individuals. I don't know about you, but I have not and would not try to convince anyone to have a child. Doesn't it need to be an intrinsic desire?
Keri wrote to me last year with objections to my column on the consequences of delayed childbearing. Here's a taste of her passion on this topic: "If my mother tells me one more time to hurry up and give her grandbabies, I will get a voluntary hysterectomy and send her my uterus in a jar, so she can control it from the comfort of her own home.''
Keri lives in Hawaii and is a 10-year military veteran working as a defense consultant. She rejects the sacred cow of American natal worship and explains, "I have no desire to have children, and deeply resent a patriarchal-societal norm that says I need to have one.''
I viewed our correspondence as an opportunity since I don't get many opportunities to dialogue with articulate, child-free individuals. Keri accurately describes the disadvantages of children and I have incorporated her perspective into discussions with couples who are considering having children: "I dislike children; the noise, chaos, mess, and clingy neediness. With few exceptions, a child is all of these 24/7. It's the nature of children as they figure out the world.'' I feel it's important for couples to understand this reality and not live in a dream world of adorable children with perfect sleep schedules.
What upset Keri the most? She was raised in a religious household where she was told that her only worth as a female was as a wife and mother. As an athletic youth, she challenged boys and pushed herself past her limits. "To me,'' Keri added, "wife and mother are synonymous with stagnation.''
She is annoyed by the sexist notion that women are not fulfilled unless they become mothers. ""As a feminist, I hold that every woman has the choice to strive to whatever she desires, whether that means being a mother or not. Men are not criticized for not being real men if they don't have children, or called selfish.'' As a father, I wouldn't want my daughters believing that women can only be fulfilled if they become mothers.
Keri is also bothered by the idea that a parent always knows what is best for their adult child. "If I lived the life my mother says is healthiest, I'd still be married to my EX and miserable. She's my mother, but that doesn't make her insightful or correct.'' And Keri suggests that parents send this message to an adult child: "I trust that you are capable of thinking for yourself. Here is some information to help you reach the best decision for YOU.''
Keri had an insightful response to (admittedly) the strangest interview question I ever asked: I know you don't want a child, but if you had one, what kind of mother do you think you'd be? "I'd like to think I would be competent at raising a healthy, intelligent, well-adjusted adult. I swore to care for my godchildren if anything happened to their parents. I'd do my best to give them a stable, loving home, in which they were listened to and valued.''
Our correspondence educated me, especially Keri's conclusion: ""Choosing to not have children is merely exchanging one set of life complications for another. It neither destines one for a carefree life with lots of disposable income, nor does it doom one to a loveless life of regret and empty arms. In the end, life is what we each make of it. I've chosen a life without children because I'd rather deal with those complications instead of the ones that come with the kids.''
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com
Keri wrote to me last year with objections to my column on the consequences of delayed childbearing. Here's a taste of her passion on this topic: "If my mother tells me one more time to hurry up and give her grandbabies, I will get a voluntary hysterectomy and send her my uterus in a jar, so she can control it from the comfort of her own home.''
Keri lives in Hawaii and is a 10-year military veteran working as a defense consultant. She rejects the sacred cow of American natal worship and explains, "I have no desire to have children, and deeply resent a patriarchal-societal norm that says I need to have one.''
I viewed our correspondence as an opportunity since I don't get many opportunities to dialogue with articulate, child-free individuals. Keri accurately describes the disadvantages of children and I have incorporated her perspective into discussions with couples who are considering having children: "I dislike children; the noise, chaos, mess, and clingy neediness. With few exceptions, a child is all of these 24/7. It's the nature of children as they figure out the world.'' I feel it's important for couples to understand this reality and not live in a dream world of adorable children with perfect sleep schedules.
What upset Keri the most? She was raised in a religious household where she was told that her only worth as a female was as a wife and mother. As an athletic youth, she challenged boys and pushed herself past her limits. "To me,'' Keri added, "wife and mother are synonymous with stagnation.''
She is annoyed by the sexist notion that women are not fulfilled unless they become mothers. ""As a feminist, I hold that every woman has the choice to strive to whatever she desires, whether that means being a mother or not. Men are not criticized for not being real men if they don't have children, or called selfish.'' As a father, I wouldn't want my daughters believing that women can only be fulfilled if they become mothers.
Keri is also bothered by the idea that a parent always knows what is best for their adult child. "If I lived the life my mother says is healthiest, I'd still be married to my EX and miserable. She's my mother, but that doesn't make her insightful or correct.'' And Keri suggests that parents send this message to an adult child: "I trust that you are capable of thinking for yourself. Here is some information to help you reach the best decision for YOU.''
Keri had an insightful response to (admittedly) the strangest interview question I ever asked: I know you don't want a child, but if you had one, what kind of mother do you think you'd be? "I'd like to think I would be competent at raising a healthy, intelligent, well-adjusted adult. I swore to care for my godchildren if anything happened to their parents. I'd do my best to give them a stable, loving home, in which they were listened to and valued.''
Our correspondence educated me, especially Keri's conclusion: ""Choosing to not have children is merely exchanging one set of life complications for another. It neither destines one for a carefree life with lots of disposable income, nor does it doom one to a loveless life of regret and empty arms. In the end, life is what we each make of it. I've chosen a life without children because I'd rather deal with those complications instead of the ones that come with the kids.''
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
When Mom is on Your Daycare Payroll by Dr. Alan Singer
Can you imagine hiring a grandparent to be a paid nanny? Here is my monthly column that the Home News published on 4-27-09. Have you ever employed one of your parents at home or at your place of business? Did you set expectations clearly? If so, how?
Kelly contacted me after reading my column on delayed child-bearing. When she told me that she and her husband, Dave, hired her mother as their nanny, I interviewed them about their unique arrangement. Of the 18.5 million preschoolers in the United States who receive day care from a relative, 23 percent receive care from grandparents (Census Bureau). I called the Census Bureau, Bureau of Labor and AARP, but they had no data on grandparents who are paid for child care.
Kelly and Dave (both CPAs) live in Arizona with their 4-year-old twin daughters. They did not want community day care because their twins were born prematurely and their lungs weren't fully developed. "We didn't want them getting sick all the time." Two years ago, Kelly told her mom that they needed to hire a nanny and if her mom would move from Colorado to Arizona, they would pay her a salary.
She lived in their home for a bit and then she found an apartment of her own. Difficulties in their arrangement seemed to be related to expectations. Kelly: "Early on we talked about expectations, and I treated her like an employee. I prepared a chart of her days off each year, rate of pay, and what her nanny duties were." Dave recalls, "We learned that Kelly's mom needed structure, because she is a doer, not a creator. We want stimulation for our daughters, not just a baby sitter. We're not paying her to read a magazine while the girls watch a movie. I expect more from a nanny than from a baby-sitter. In her mom's defense, she never had been a nanny before."
And there were other problems, because Kelly's mom took a big step in moving away from her friends and leaving a job that made good money. "She is a very sociable person and put no effort into making new friends in Arizona. The decision was stressful and when she got here, I'm not sure this is what she anticipated." Dave was disappointed: "When you stay with someone for an extended period of time, you help out. She didn't do any extra work in our house."
Kelly now realizes that her mother has difficulties with the two distinct roles. "We treat her like an employee, when she's here as a nanny. We treat her as Nana on the weekends. She's having a hard time with the distinction about her identity, plus she doesn't like being dependent on us for income but she is." At the heart of the matter are Kelly's and Dave's expectations, which they did not clearly spell out. Kelly's mom didn't know those expectations and it created conflict between Kelly and her mom, and between Kelly and Dave.
Despite the problems, Kelly has put great effort into showing respect to her mother, explaining, "I'm not sure how to address my mom, because I don't want to talk down to her because I'm the child." Kudos to Kelly for her sensitivity. Dave concluded that in family situations such as these, you need to be crystal clear about expectations in advance. "When all is said and done," Dave emphasized, "We know she takes good care of our girls, and they are safe with her." Dave added that when the girls get sick or hurt, the hierarchy of who the girls want attention from first is: 1. Nana 2. Mom 3. Dad. Even after she moved out to her own apartment, the girls would plead, "I want my Nana!"
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Kelly contacted me after reading my column on delayed child-bearing. When she told me that she and her husband, Dave, hired her mother as their nanny, I interviewed them about their unique arrangement. Of the 18.5 million preschoolers in the United States who receive day care from a relative, 23 percent receive care from grandparents (Census Bureau). I called the Census Bureau, Bureau of Labor and AARP, but they had no data on grandparents who are paid for child care.
Kelly and Dave (both CPAs) live in Arizona with their 4-year-old twin daughters. They did not want community day care because their twins were born prematurely and their lungs weren't fully developed. "We didn't want them getting sick all the time." Two years ago, Kelly told her mom that they needed to hire a nanny and if her mom would move from Colorado to Arizona, they would pay her a salary.
She lived in their home for a bit and then she found an apartment of her own. Difficulties in their arrangement seemed to be related to expectations. Kelly: "Early on we talked about expectations, and I treated her like an employee. I prepared a chart of her days off each year, rate of pay, and what her nanny duties were." Dave recalls, "We learned that Kelly's mom needed structure, because she is a doer, not a creator. We want stimulation for our daughters, not just a baby sitter. We're not paying her to read a magazine while the girls watch a movie. I expect more from a nanny than from a baby-sitter. In her mom's defense, she never had been a nanny before."
And there were other problems, because Kelly's mom took a big step in moving away from her friends and leaving a job that made good money. "She is a very sociable person and put no effort into making new friends in Arizona. The decision was stressful and when she got here, I'm not sure this is what she anticipated." Dave was disappointed: "When you stay with someone for an extended period of time, you help out. She didn't do any extra work in our house."
Kelly now realizes that her mother has difficulties with the two distinct roles. "We treat her like an employee, when she's here as a nanny. We treat her as Nana on the weekends. She's having a hard time with the distinction about her identity, plus she doesn't like being dependent on us for income but she is." At the heart of the matter are Kelly's and Dave's expectations, which they did not clearly spell out. Kelly's mom didn't know those expectations and it created conflict between Kelly and her mom, and between Kelly and Dave.
Despite the problems, Kelly has put great effort into showing respect to her mother, explaining, "I'm not sure how to address my mom, because I don't want to talk down to her because I'm the child." Kudos to Kelly for her sensitivity. Dave concluded that in family situations such as these, you need to be crystal clear about expectations in advance. "When all is said and done," Dave emphasized, "We know she takes good care of our girls, and they are safe with her." Dave added that when the girls get sick or hurt, the hierarchy of who the girls want attention from first is: 1. Nana 2. Mom 3. Dad. Even after she moved out to her own apartment, the girls would plead, "I want my Nana!"
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Taking Responsibility Trumps Sibling Rivalry in Biblical Brothers Story by Dr. Alan Singer
Aren't the residual effects of brotherly hatred sadly evident to this day in many regions of the world?
My essay in the Home News Tribune (published on 3/26/09) discusses the Bible, an area in which I claim no expertise. But I always find the story of the brothers to be a compelling one and so I discussed it in my monthly column. I believe there is more to learn from the story than the repercussions of sibling rivalry.
After reviewing the biblical story of Joseph and his brothers, I am not convinced that the main lesson is about sibling rivalry. Let me preface this by claiming no expertise in Bible study; rather, a long-time fascination with the details of this story about a father, a favorite son and his jealous brothers. My curiosity is motivated by the following questions: Do any of the parties fully accept responsibility for their actions? What lessons are there in this story for modern-day families?
The brothers' animosity begins with Joseph's tattling on his brothers to their father Jacob. This caused his brothers to hate him and this was exacerbated by not one but two dreams, each of which Joseph repeated verbatim to his family. The dreams, which described how his brothers would bow down to Joseph, further infuriated his brothers.
Their father, Jacob, according to the Bible, "Loved Joseph more than all his sons" and made him a unique gift, a coat of many colors. The Talmud (Tractate Sabbath, page 10, side 2) states, "A man should never single out one son among his other sons, for on account of the silk which Jacob gave to Joseph in excess of his other sons, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter resulted in our forefathers' descent into Egypt." The Talmud is unambiguous in its critique of favoritism.
But, is sibling rivalry a justification for homicide? Clearly not. The brothers plotted to kill Joseph, then threw him in a pit, and despite his cries for mercy, the brothers broke bread together. This was followed by the staging of his death, from the attack of a vicious animal. Upon hearing of Joseph's fate, Jacob tore his garments and mourned the loss of his son.
One specific comment by historian and biblical scholar Rabbi Berel Wein got me thinking. He explains that Judah is the one who changes the course of events by offering himself as a guarantor for Benjamin's safety. In so doing, Judah "accepts responsibility," an important new theme in this story. The brothers do recognize the consequences of their own erroneous actions, explaining, "We saw his heartfelt anguish (Joseph's) when he pleaded with us and we paid no heed; that is why this anguish has come from us."
But biblical commentaries do not let the brothers off the hook. One commentary (Sforno) states that the brothers found no cause for remorse in the sale of their brother, only for hard-heartedly ignoring Joseph's pleas for mercy. Further, in the Yom Kippur prayers, there is a description of the tragedy of the Ten Martyrs, which was precipitated by the sale of Joseph by his 10 brothers, who never did ask for forgiveness. And, aren't the residual effects of brotherly hatred sadly evident to this day in many regions of the world? Therefore, the answer to my opening question is no, since no one in this story fully accepts responsibility.
And I believe that taking responsibility for one's actions is one of the most useful lessons we can role-model for our children and give over to them. We must enable our children to make decisions for themselves and give them an awareness of the consequences. More than just a tale of sibling rivalry, the timeless lessons of Joseph and his brothers provide meaningful insights into parenting and responsibility.
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site http://www.familythinking.com/
My essay in the Home News Tribune (published on 3/26/09) discusses the Bible, an area in which I claim no expertise. But I always find the story of the brothers to be a compelling one and so I discussed it in my monthly column. I believe there is more to learn from the story than the repercussions of sibling rivalry.
After reviewing the biblical story of Joseph and his brothers, I am not convinced that the main lesson is about sibling rivalry. Let me preface this by claiming no expertise in Bible study; rather, a long-time fascination with the details of this story about a father, a favorite son and his jealous brothers. My curiosity is motivated by the following questions: Do any of the parties fully accept responsibility for their actions? What lessons are there in this story for modern-day families?
The brothers' animosity begins with Joseph's tattling on his brothers to their father Jacob. This caused his brothers to hate him and this was exacerbated by not one but two dreams, each of which Joseph repeated verbatim to his family. The dreams, which described how his brothers would bow down to Joseph, further infuriated his brothers.
Their father, Jacob, according to the Bible, "Loved Joseph more than all his sons" and made him a unique gift, a coat of many colors. The Talmud (Tractate Sabbath, page 10, side 2) states, "A man should never single out one son among his other sons, for on account of the silk which Jacob gave to Joseph in excess of his other sons, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter resulted in our forefathers' descent into Egypt." The Talmud is unambiguous in its critique of favoritism.
But, is sibling rivalry a justification for homicide? Clearly not. The brothers plotted to kill Joseph, then threw him in a pit, and despite his cries for mercy, the brothers broke bread together. This was followed by the staging of his death, from the attack of a vicious animal. Upon hearing of Joseph's fate, Jacob tore his garments and mourned the loss of his son.
One specific comment by historian and biblical scholar Rabbi Berel Wein got me thinking. He explains that Judah is the one who changes the course of events by offering himself as a guarantor for Benjamin's safety. In so doing, Judah "accepts responsibility," an important new theme in this story. The brothers do recognize the consequences of their own erroneous actions, explaining, "We saw his heartfelt anguish (Joseph's) when he pleaded with us and we paid no heed; that is why this anguish has come from us."
But biblical commentaries do not let the brothers off the hook. One commentary (Sforno) states that the brothers found no cause for remorse in the sale of their brother, only for hard-heartedly ignoring Joseph's pleas for mercy. Further, in the Yom Kippur prayers, there is a description of the tragedy of the Ten Martyrs, which was precipitated by the sale of Joseph by his 10 brothers, who never did ask for forgiveness. And, aren't the residual effects of brotherly hatred sadly evident to this day in many regions of the world? Therefore, the answer to my opening question is no, since no one in this story fully accepts responsibility.
And I believe that taking responsibility for one's actions is one of the most useful lessons we can role-model for our children and give over to them. We must enable our children to make decisions for themselves and give them an awareness of the consequences. More than just a tale of sibling rivalry, the timeless lessons of Joseph and his brothers provide meaningful insights into parenting and responsibility.
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site http://www.familythinking.com/
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My Brief Encounter with President Obama by Dr. Alan Singer
Do you know how long I have been waiting to write my little meet-the-President story? Years. This column appeared in the February 11, 2009 Home News Tribune and was truly great fun to write.
My brush with fame took place in the spring of 2006. I was waiting for an elevator in the U.S. Capitol building when U.S. Sen. Barack Obama appeared next to me. Here is our brief exchange:
SINGER: "Senator Obama, I want to thank you for your inspiring remarks. (One hour prior, Obama addressed our delegation.) It was nice of you to take the time in your schedule to speak to our group."
OBAMA: "You are very welcome (shaking my hand and glancing at my ID badge). Where are you from, Dr. Singer?" (Bell rings; elevator door opens and we step in.)
SINGER: "I am from New Jersey, and Senator Obama, I can see why they say you are a rising star in the Democratic Party."
OBAMA: "Thanks, that's very nice of you, but you actually just stepped into an elevator that is for senators only. Sorry."
SINGER: Oops! (Stepping out of the elevator.) So nice to meet you and best of luck to you."
So much for my face-to-face encounter with our new president. As I pressed the button to ascend in the bank of elevators designated for the general public, I never would have imagined that I had just shaken hands with the future president of the United States.
There are millions of Americans whose dreams and hopes are now fulfilled by virtue of the fact that President Obama was elected and now serves as our commander in chief. While contemplating my own dreams and hopes for our new president and our country, I came across a recent survey by the Lifetime Television Network. The research titled "Every Woman Counts" is a compilation of data based on the responses of 600 American women.
The nonpartisan "Every Woman Counts" campaign is an effort to engage women in the political process. Seventy-one percent of the women surveyed believed that the economy should be the No. 1 concern for the Obama administration. Health care and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were the next highest priorities. According to the news release on the poll, "The plurality (35 percent) of women said they will know that Barack Obama is attending to the needs of women if he addresses the issues related to families and work — life balance, while 22 percent said they will hold him accountable based on the way he handles the economy. One in ten said they will base their review of the Obama administration on whether he deals with pay equity."
I was gratified that "67 percent of women said that President Obama should not consider gender at all when appointing his Cabinet, and should just focus on qualifications." But, I believe it is unfortunate that 65 percent of the women surveyed believe that male and female candidates are held to different standards on the campaign trail. Male candidates, they indicated, have the edge on: being taken seriously by voters; being covered seriously by the media; addressing issues such as national security/terrorism, and addressing the issue of the economy.
Another positive note from this research had to do with the candidacies of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton. "Eighty-six percent of the women surveyed said that young girls and women in their lives would be more likely to take an interest in politics thanks to the experiences of these women," according to the survey.
And to the man in the senators-only elevator, it was a privilege to shake your hand and wish you good luck, because you really do have your hands full.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
My brush with fame took place in the spring of 2006. I was waiting for an elevator in the U.S. Capitol building when U.S. Sen. Barack Obama appeared next to me. Here is our brief exchange:
SINGER: "Senator Obama, I want to thank you for your inspiring remarks. (One hour prior, Obama addressed our delegation.) It was nice of you to take the time in your schedule to speak to our group."
OBAMA: "You are very welcome (shaking my hand and glancing at my ID badge). Where are you from, Dr. Singer?" (Bell rings; elevator door opens and we step in.)
SINGER: "I am from New Jersey, and Senator Obama, I can see why they say you are a rising star in the Democratic Party."
OBAMA: "Thanks, that's very nice of you, but you actually just stepped into an elevator that is for senators only. Sorry."
SINGER: Oops! (Stepping out of the elevator.) So nice to meet you and best of luck to you."
So much for my face-to-face encounter with our new president. As I pressed the button to ascend in the bank of elevators designated for the general public, I never would have imagined that I had just shaken hands with the future president of the United States.
There are millions of Americans whose dreams and hopes are now fulfilled by virtue of the fact that President Obama was elected and now serves as our commander in chief. While contemplating my own dreams and hopes for our new president and our country, I came across a recent survey by the Lifetime Television Network. The research titled "Every Woman Counts" is a compilation of data based on the responses of 600 American women.
The nonpartisan "Every Woman Counts" campaign is an effort to engage women in the political process. Seventy-one percent of the women surveyed believed that the economy should be the No. 1 concern for the Obama administration. Health care and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were the next highest priorities. According to the news release on the poll, "The plurality (35 percent) of women said they will know that Barack Obama is attending to the needs of women if he addresses the issues related to families and work — life balance, while 22 percent said they will hold him accountable based on the way he handles the economy. One in ten said they will base their review of the Obama administration on whether he deals with pay equity."
I was gratified that "67 percent of women said that President Obama should not consider gender at all when appointing his Cabinet, and should just focus on qualifications." But, I believe it is unfortunate that 65 percent of the women surveyed believe that male and female candidates are held to different standards on the campaign trail. Male candidates, they indicated, have the edge on: being taken seriously by voters; being covered seriously by the media; addressing issues such as national security/terrorism, and addressing the issue of the economy.
Another positive note from this research had to do with the candidacies of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton. "Eighty-six percent of the women surveyed said that young girls and women in their lives would be more likely to take an interest in politics thanks to the experiences of these women," according to the survey.
And to the man in the senators-only elevator, it was a privilege to shake your hand and wish you good luck, because you really do have your hands full.
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Private Time Indispensable to Marriage by Dr. Alan Singer
Here is my 3rd and final column describing the couples I surveyed who are celebrating their 30th Anniversaries. It was published in the Home News Tribune on December 17, 2008. Robin and Michael refer to marriage as "an evolving state". Is that a good thing? Read below and I invite you to post a comment.
Nine New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this year responded to a survey I conducted. This is the third and final column devoted to their responses. I asked each couple what they wanted more time for. Responses included: we want more time together, family vacations and watching our grandchildren grow up. In the fast-paced, two-career family paradigm that is so prevalent, what couples want is more time together. But, two comments concern me. Susan explained, "I wish I made more time for myself and my husband, but in my life, everyone else came first." And Heather stated, "Once the kids were born, we never made time to be alone, just the two of us." Whoa! Red flag!
When couples have a child, they tend to put their marriage on the back burner. That is one reason that researchers have found that marital satisfaction tends to decrease with the arrival of each child. After life-with-a-newborn settles into a routine, couples must dedicate themselves to nurturing their marriage as much, even more than nurturing their children. Children need their parents to have a strong marriage first and foremost; to be Super Mom and Super Dad comes second.
These couples believe that the institution of marriage has changed in 30 years and not necessarily for the better. Susie and Barry: Divorce is less of a stigma. Larry and Judy: People give up too easily and get divorced without trying to resolve their problems. Linda and Leonard added, "Marriage is not a toy, that if you don't like it you find something else; It's a lifetime commitment." Professor Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) in a lecture delivered in 2001 refers to marriages today in the context of our consumer society where everything is temporary: "New is what sells — the past is meaningless. Only the future counts. Will my rewards be there in the future and am I getting enough out of this relationship?"
Last are several responses to the question, what is the most important thing that you learned about marriage? Most important to Linda and Leonard is, "The effect of being loved and showing love can only make you a better person." (Research supports them on that.) Suzie and Barry go a step further: "Love is not enough to sustain a marriage; you have to work on maintaining the love and the relationship."
Robin and Michael learned that marriage is "an evolving state." That response intrigued me, so I asked them to elaborate. "Nothing in life stays the same; it changes each day with each new experience and the challenges that life presents." They added, "As we grow and mature and are molded by what life brings us, it necessarily affects marriage. The hope is that your spouse helps you through those changes and that your relationship is flexible and can accommodate change."
In a 1998 lecture, psychologist John Gottman similarly describes the importance of "shared meaning." He contends: "Everyone is searching for the meaning of life in this journey of ours. The idea of creating this meaning together with someone else in a family is very key in building this friendship in marriage using the narratives, metaphors, symbols, roles, goals, and rituals that make life meaningful. This has a great impact on friendship in the marriage and on buffering transitions in the marriage, such as partner-hood to parenthood." Thank you to the nine couples who participated in this survey and Happy Anniversary!
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Nine New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this year responded to a survey I conducted. This is the third and final column devoted to their responses. I asked each couple what they wanted more time for. Responses included: we want more time together, family vacations and watching our grandchildren grow up. In the fast-paced, two-career family paradigm that is so prevalent, what couples want is more time together. But, two comments concern me. Susan explained, "I wish I made more time for myself and my husband, but in my life, everyone else came first." And Heather stated, "Once the kids were born, we never made time to be alone, just the two of us." Whoa! Red flag!
When couples have a child, they tend to put their marriage on the back burner. That is one reason that researchers have found that marital satisfaction tends to decrease with the arrival of each child. After life-with-a-newborn settles into a routine, couples must dedicate themselves to nurturing their marriage as much, even more than nurturing their children. Children need their parents to have a strong marriage first and foremost; to be Super Mom and Super Dad comes second.
These couples believe that the institution of marriage has changed in 30 years and not necessarily for the better. Susie and Barry: Divorce is less of a stigma. Larry and Judy: People give up too easily and get divorced without trying to resolve their problems. Linda and Leonard added, "Marriage is not a toy, that if you don't like it you find something else; It's a lifetime commitment." Professor Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) in a lecture delivered in 2001 refers to marriages today in the context of our consumer society where everything is temporary: "New is what sells — the past is meaningless. Only the future counts. Will my rewards be there in the future and am I getting enough out of this relationship?"
Last are several responses to the question, what is the most important thing that you learned about marriage? Most important to Linda and Leonard is, "The effect of being loved and showing love can only make you a better person." (Research supports them on that.) Suzie and Barry go a step further: "Love is not enough to sustain a marriage; you have to work on maintaining the love and the relationship."
Robin and Michael learned that marriage is "an evolving state." That response intrigued me, so I asked them to elaborate. "Nothing in life stays the same; it changes each day with each new experience and the challenges that life presents." They added, "As we grow and mature and are molded by what life brings us, it necessarily affects marriage. The hope is that your spouse helps you through those changes and that your relationship is flexible and can accommodate change."
In a 1998 lecture, psychologist John Gottman similarly describes the importance of "shared meaning." He contends: "Everyone is searching for the meaning of life in this journey of ours. The idea of creating this meaning together with someone else in a family is very key in building this friendship in marriage using the narratives, metaphors, symbols, roles, goals, and rituals that make life meaningful. This has a great impact on friendship in the marriage and on buffering transitions in the marriage, such as partner-hood to parenthood." Thank you to the nine couples who participated in this survey and Happy Anniversary!
Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his Web site www.FamilyThinking.com
Monday, December 01, 2008
USA Today's Sharon Jayson Cites Dr. Singer on the Ideal Age for First Marrriage
It's a fascinating topic with many points of view and research studies that point in different directions. I was happy to speak to Sharon Jayson of USA Today about this subject and that she devoted an entire column to it.To read her column in USA Today click here
Could we please keep this vital discussion going? Please see my Delayed Childbearing post below for my two columns devoted to this topic and thanks for your input.
Dr. Alan Singer
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Delayed Childbearing Consequences: Parents Warn Your Adult Children by Dr. Alan Singer
Encourage Children to Start a Family Sooner than Later (First of two parts) was published on 9/5/08. Click here to read it in the Home News (while the link lasts).
Consequences to Delayed Childbearing (second of two parts) was published on 9/19/08. Click here to read it in the Home News (while the link lasts).
You can also read Parts 1 and 2 from my earlier blog post by clicking here (This link will remain).
These columns have generated more debate, by far, than any other topic I have blogged about. Stay tuned for a future column that will describe the irate emails I received.
Consequences to Delayed Childbearing (second of two parts) was published on 9/19/08. Click here to read it in the Home News (while the link lasts).
You can also read Parts 1 and 2 from my earlier blog post by clicking here (This link will remain).
These columns have generated more debate, by far, than any other topic I have blogged about. Stay tuned for a future column that will describe the irate emails I received.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Nine Couples Share Secrets to a Lasting Marriage by Dr. Alan Singer
Here is the 2nd of 3 installments about the nine couples I interviewed who are celebrating 30 years of marriage. I hope you find their responses as insightful as I did. It was published in the Home News Tribune on July 15, 2008
When nine central New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were asked what is the secret of a 30-year marriage, most couples gave a one-word answer. Maybe they thought the question was, what is the "secret password" of a long-term marriage? It was intriguing that this question received quite brief answers. "Patience" (Heather and Arthur). "Endurance" (Leibe and Susan). "Communication" (Steven and Diana). "Respect" (Susie and Barry). And Mitch, with his wry sense of humor, responded: "Inertia."
Let's assume that you heard the old adage about what counts in real estate: location, location, location. Based on the majority of responses from these nine couples, the secret of a 30-year marriage is: compromise, compromise, compromise. This gets to the heart of marital longevity. Do couples with enduring marriages make the transition from "me" to "we" better than couples who don't? A marriage where compromise is a basic component will be able to change and evolve, since each marriage is a dynamic entity.
Dr. Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) refers to marriage as a "continual learning process." That's an important perspective, considering the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. Finances, geography and careers change as well. And changes in family size tend to have a direct affect on marital satisfaction (mostly negative). Leonard and Linda, in relating the secret of a 30-year marriage, repeated two well-known mantras: 1. Try to see things through each other's eyes. 2. No matter how upset you are, never go to bed without saying "goodnight" and "I love you."
The follow-up question was, What is the most important expectation(s) that you have of your spouse on a daily basis? One reason I asked this question has to do with some fascinating research from the University of North Carolina. Wouldn't you think that couples who have very high expectations of marriage tend to be disappointed if it fails to meet those expectations and that they will not have good marriages? Not true.
"Dr. Donald Baucom found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want." (Dr. John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 1999).
Mort and Lisa expect each other "to keep in touch on a daily basis." Surely, we hard-working Americans endure stress and anxiety each day. But, that shouldn't prevent us from seizing a few minutes to touch base with our "better half." Several couples warned of the problems that result from letting job frustration spill over into family life. Susan expects Leibe to come home each day and be happy to share in her day as well. Arthur and Heather expect each other to be "kind, friendly, considerate, caring, and sharing each day." Leonard and Linda want each other to be "trustworthy, honest, loving, and supportive."
Robin and Michael provided this insight: "We expect mutual interest and support in each other's trials and tribulations and a sense of pride and gratification in each other's successes and achievements." Robin added, "Our marriage has gotten progressively better with the last five to seven years being the absolute best!" (emphasis hers). When I dug deeper into their response, they stressed the importance of couples preparing themselves for children. Numerous research studies have shown a measurable decrease in marital satisfaction with the arrival of each child. Children are the most wonderful of blessings, but the reality is that they add significant stress to a marriage.
"Early in the marriage, you are still learning how it works," explained Robin, "and then child-rearing sort of gets in the way of developing your relationship." Robin and Michael made it through those difficult years of young children and new careers. Unfortunately, not all couples are as lucky. Robin's explanation of why the last five to seven years have been so marvelous: "Our children have grown up and are more independent, giving us more time for each other."
Last is the advice that Lisa and Mort give to their grown children in their search for the right spouse: "Look for a warm, caring spouse and someone who will be your best friend." It is no coincidence that John Gottman's research (1999) strongly emphasizes this same idea. "The determining factor," claims Gottman, "in whether wives feel satisfied with the passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. Some men and women come from the same planet, after all."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's Web site www.FamilyThinking.com or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
When nine central New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were asked what is the secret of a 30-year marriage, most couples gave a one-word answer. Maybe they thought the question was, what is the "secret password" of a long-term marriage? It was intriguing that this question received quite brief answers. "Patience" (Heather and Arthur). "Endurance" (Leibe and Susan). "Communication" (Steven and Diana). "Respect" (Susie and Barry). And Mitch, with his wry sense of humor, responded: "Inertia."
Let's assume that you heard the old adage about what counts in real estate: location, location, location. Based on the majority of responses from these nine couples, the secret of a 30-year marriage is: compromise, compromise, compromise. This gets to the heart of marital longevity. Do couples with enduring marriages make the transition from "me" to "we" better than couples who don't? A marriage where compromise is a basic component will be able to change and evolve, since each marriage is a dynamic entity.
Dr. Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) refers to marriage as a "continual learning process." That's an important perspective, considering the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. Finances, geography and careers change as well. And changes in family size tend to have a direct affect on marital satisfaction (mostly negative). Leonard and Linda, in relating the secret of a 30-year marriage, repeated two well-known mantras: 1. Try to see things through each other's eyes. 2. No matter how upset you are, never go to bed without saying "goodnight" and "I love you."
The follow-up question was, What is the most important expectation(s) that you have of your spouse on a daily basis? One reason I asked this question has to do with some fascinating research from the University of North Carolina. Wouldn't you think that couples who have very high expectations of marriage tend to be disappointed if it fails to meet those expectations and that they will not have good marriages? Not true.
"Dr. Donald Baucom found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want." (Dr. John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 1999).
Mort and Lisa expect each other "to keep in touch on a daily basis." Surely, we hard-working Americans endure stress and anxiety each day. But, that shouldn't prevent us from seizing a few minutes to touch base with our "better half." Several couples warned of the problems that result from letting job frustration spill over into family life. Susan expects Leibe to come home each day and be happy to share in her day as well. Arthur and Heather expect each other to be "kind, friendly, considerate, caring, and sharing each day." Leonard and Linda want each other to be "trustworthy, honest, loving, and supportive."
Robin and Michael provided this insight: "We expect mutual interest and support in each other's trials and tribulations and a sense of pride and gratification in each other's successes and achievements." Robin added, "Our marriage has gotten progressively better with the last five to seven years being the absolute best!" (emphasis hers). When I dug deeper into their response, they stressed the importance of couples preparing themselves for children. Numerous research studies have shown a measurable decrease in marital satisfaction with the arrival of each child. Children are the most wonderful of blessings, but the reality is that they add significant stress to a marriage.
"Early in the marriage, you are still learning how it works," explained Robin, "and then child-rearing sort of gets in the way of developing your relationship." Robin and Michael made it through those difficult years of young children and new careers. Unfortunately, not all couples are as lucky. Robin's explanation of why the last five to seven years have been so marvelous: "Our children have grown up and are more independent, giving us more time for each other."
Last is the advice that Lisa and Mort give to their grown children in their search for the right spouse: "Look for a warm, caring spouse and someone who will be your best friend." It is no coincidence that John Gottman's research (1999) strongly emphasizes this same idea. "The determining factor," claims Gottman, "in whether wives feel satisfied with the passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. Some men and women come from the same planet, after all."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's Web site www.FamilyThinking.com or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Parents-Tell Your Adult Children: Don’t Delay Childbearing by Dr. Alan Singer
Attribution: Journalists have permission to reproduce this column in full or in part, provided they attribute authorship to Dr. Alan Singer and this website www.FamilyThinking.com
Click here to see Dr. Singer's YouTube video on this column
Too many parents approach issues in their adult child’s life with the unspoken rejoinder, close your mouth and open your wallet. Parents often give no advice, even when they have serious concerns. Thirty years as a family therapist and 28 years as a father, have taught me that parents should voice their opinion to their adult child about two specific issues: getting married and not waiting numerous years before having children.
The Domino Effect
In recent years, the trend of delaying marriage has caused a domino effect on other trends which have a significant emotional cost for families and an enormous financial cost to society. The dominos are: delayed marriage—delayed childbearing—augmented infertility—elevated multiple births—increased rates of pre-term births and caesarian sections. My goal in this column is to describe these decisions to delay marriage and childbearing and the resulting consequences. I will offer some suggestions that parents might use in dealing with their adult child.
Of the 4.1 million births registered in the U.S. in 2005, 37 percent were born to unmarried women (CDC). Some of the reasons that couples cohabit include: convenience, economy of savings, preparation for the marriage commitment, and apprehension about the high divorce rate. But these couples are actually practicing non-commitment. Even if they eventually marry, they have less satisfying marriages and higher divorce rates than spouses who did not first live together (National Marriage Project). If the unmarried biological parents go their separate ways, where does that leave the children?
If I am perhaps describing your adult child, don’t you want the best possible family environment for your grandchild? Wouldn’t you consider voicing your opinion to your son or daughter, knowing the irrefutable research finding: the best environment to raise children is two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage? You might respond that you don’t want to “meddle” or times have changed and it’s not like the old days when parents spoke their minds. My response mirrors a recent mass e-mail: don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Adult Children Do Listen
Please don’t misunderstand me: Parents should not tell their grown child everything on their minds. But, in matters that are crucial for their well-being, they must speak up. My three decades of research into family size decisions have shown that adult children are aware of and appreciably influenced by the attitudes of their parents. One of my own survey research findings is the importance of family-of-origin family size as a predictor of total family size. The decisions our parents made about family size tend to have a significant impact on our own decisions.
In fact, reliance on the advice of parents has been described in the National Survey of Student Engagement (2007) which questioned 313,000 randomly selected college students. The survey revealed that young adults follow the advice of both parents more than twice as much as they listen to friends. So, if your son or daughter informs you that he/she wants to live together with a “significant other” for a few years, possibly even have a child or two, don’t respond with that 1960’s expression, do your own thing.
The First Two Dominos
Couples, who do choose to marry, are waiting longer to do so. According to the Census Bureau, between 1970 and 2000, the median age at first marriage for women increased by 4.3 years to 25.1 years; for men the increase was 3.6 years to 26.8.
In tandem with the later age at first marriage, is the decision to delay childbearing. The mean age of mothers in the U.S. was 24.6 in 1970 which increased to 27.2 in 2000 (CDC). Approximately 20% of women wait until after 35 to begin having children (www.ASRM.org). Consider that birth rates for women 35-39 and 40-44 years (which have risen steadily in recent years) each increased 2% in just one year, 2005 (CDC).
Why do these delays occur? Education and career, which are positive trends, are important factors in women’s decisions to delay marriage and motherhood. From 1970 to 2000, the percent of women having completed four or more years of college nearly tripled and the female labor force participation rate increased by 39% (CDC 12/11/02). The availability of contraception allows couples to delay childbearing while strengthening their relationship, establishing careers, and amassing enough assets to settle down for a secure and comfortable future. But how emotionally secure and financially comfortable are they going to be down the road? Will their marital bond be able to withstand the stress imposed by infertility, multiple births, and pre-term infants?
Infertility
The decision to delay comes with consequences that take their toll on spouses and society. The miscarriage rate (34%) is triple for women 40-44, compared to those ages 20-29 (10%). The risk of having a Down Syndrome child increases from one in 1250 for a 25 year old mother, to one in 30 for a 45-year-old mother (ASRM). Infertility, the next domino, affects 7.3 million people in the U.S., representing 12% of the women in the reproductive age population (CDC). A healthy 30 year old woman has a 20% chance each month to get pregnant; a healthy 40 year old woman has a 5% chance each month (ASRM). Secondary infertility, which can follow the birth of one or more biological children, is more prevalent than primary infertility. The emotional toll from the long-term inability to conceive a child can be devastating to spouses. Common feelings include: frustration, jealousy, anger, isolation, sadness and guilt. Self-image and self-confidence are affected as well.
Frequent visits to physicians interfere with careers and regardless of which spouse has the physical problems, most of the tests and treatments focus on the woman’s body. People typically assume that infertility is the woman’s fault and that adds to the stress (Abby, Andrews and Halman. Journal of Marriage and Family, May 1992). The financing of infertility treatments is considerable. Each in vitro fertilization cycle costs more than $12,000 with many couples requiring multiple cycles. The total cost for all types of fertility treatments exceeds $3 billion per year.
Remember when your child was young; you didn’t want to spoil her by giving her everything she asked for at the mall. But you knew which gift she really wanted and you waited for the right occasion to give it. Now, imagine your feelings of helplessness, when your adult child wants nothing in this world more than to parent a child. You can be supportive and optimistic, but there is no department store that sells what you wish you could buy.
Multiple Births
The huge number of couples undergoing fertility treatments has tipped another domino, multiple births. About 45% of Assisted Reproduction Techniques pregnancies result in twins and 7% in triplets or more (March of Dimes). The birth rate for twins in the U.S. rose steadily between 1990 and 2004, climbing an average of 3% annually for a total increase of 42% since 1990, and 70% since 1980. “Two related trends have been closely associated with the rise in multiple births over the last two decades: the older age at childbearing (women in their thirties are more likely than younger women to conceive multiples spontaneously) and the widening use of fertility therapies” (CDC 12/5/07).
Increased fetal risks include: higher chance of miscarriage, birth defects, and the mental/physical problems that can result from a premature delivery. Fetal mortality rates are higher for a number of groups, including: women who are 35 and over, unmarried women, and multiple deliveries. “Twins are 5 times and triplets are nearly 15 times more likely than singletons to die within a month of birth” (CDC 12/5/07). Maternal risks include high blood pressure, diabetes, and hemorrhaging”. Multiple gestation is associated with more depression, lack of sleep, financial difficulties, and marital discord (ASRM).
One method of reducing the risks is Multi-fetal Pregnancy Reduction. When there are four or more fetuses present, the number is reduced to one or two. This technique is used in an effort to increase the likelihood that the pregnancy will continue.
Remember when you taught your child decision-making, such as which friends she could invite for a sleepover or how she should spend her hard earned allowance. Did you imagine that one day you might be giving support to your child in her decision to proceed with multi-fetal pregnancy reduction?
Pre-Term Babies
More than half of twins are born pre-term and approximately half of twins and almost all higher order multiples start life with a low birth weight. Data from 2005 indicates the premature birth rate is continuing to rise, with more than 525,000 babies or 12.7% born prematurely (March of Dimes 12/5/07).
Preemies tend to encounter these difficulties: low birth weight, breathing problems, underdeveloped organs, risk of infection and risk of cerebral palsy (NICHD). Researchers, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine (1/17/02) concluded, “Very low birth weight participants had a lower mean IQ; educational disadvantage associated with very low birth weight persists into early adulthood.” And the emotional toll? Preemie families face a stressful new world. Parents may only enjoy a brief encounter with their baby before she is whisked away to the NICU for weeks, even months. And the financial toll? More than $26.2 billion per year. “Direct health care costs to employers for a premature baby average $41,610—15 times higher than the $2,830 for a healthy, full-term delivery. Additional costs to employers in lost productivity average $2,766” (March of Dimes, Cost to Business).
Remember when you taught your child patience, such as waiting for a mail-order gift to arrive or standing in line at Disney World. Now, imagine how you may need to give strength to your child as she waits patiently for her baby to come home after months in the NICU.
Caesarian Sections
The last domino is the soaring number of caesarian deliveries (1.25 million per year). The current c-section rate of 30.3 percent is triple the 10.4% c-section rate of 1975 (ACOG Stats and Facts 2007). Mothers of multiples are more likely to have c-sections and a growing number of doctors and patients are scheduling c-sections for their own convenience. The cost of a c-section ($13,441) is twice that of a vaginal delivery, with the national total exceeding $17 billion per year (ACOG). And the human price tag? Risks for mothers include: anesthesia, increased bleeding, chance of infection and blood clots in legs, pelvic organs, and lungs. Risks for the baby are inactivity from the anesthesia and possible breathing problems (March of Dimes).
Conclusion
The trends described above are not small blips on the radar screen; they are continents. They are years in the making and would take a major upheaval to reverse by even a percent or two. My real hope is that these trends will not continue to increase. I also hope that with the catastrophic divorce rate in the U.S. hovering at 50%, not one more marriage will succumb to the marital stress caused by these trends. But as long as parents are either too shy or too worried to put in their two cents, these emotionally devastating and costly trends may continue to surge.
Remember how it took courage to sit down with your pre-teen and explain the birds and the bees? Summon that courage again and tell your adult children your opinions on the importance of marriage and the timing of children.
Remember when your child was in grade school? You soccer moms and side-line dads, who ran yourselves ragged in your minivans because violin, astronomy, chess, swimming and painting weren’t enough—you also insisted that your child go to Math camp. Didn’t you believe that all the hyper-parenting was in your child’s best interest so that she would have the best chance to succeed in life? Do you want to see your adult child go through the frustration, pain and sometimes grief from the trends described above? And the possible negative consequences for your grandchild?
Final Thoughts
It is vital to remember the "context" that a parent would have this discussion with an adult child. You cannot just spring this topic on your grown child out of nowhere. You need to communicate and demonstrate the values of marriage and parenthood to tweens and teens, long before they are ready to be independent. Second, you have to convey to your grown children that you are willing to help them raise their children, to the extent that you are able. You cannot simply give lip service to the trends and consequences described here; you need to step up to the plate and offer your services and resources. Be willing to put your time, energy, and money where your mouth is, not only for the personal joy of bouncing a grandchild on your lap, but so your grandchildren can reap the benefits of significant contact hours with YOU....their grandparents. Don't you want to help your adult child start a family while you are young and have the energy and health to be helpful in addition to joyful? So please don't be cheap. Your offer to help your children financially in the early years of marriage can make all the difference in the world to a young couple who is determined to be self-sufficient. I’d like to change the rejoinder to open your mouth and open your wallet too.
When your newlyweds tell you they are in no hurry to start a family, will you be prepared to respond? Children do respect the opinions of their parents, and truly need to hear them.
Please comment on this column at DrAlanSinger@aol.com
Click here to see Dr. Singer's YouTube video on this column
Too many parents approach issues in their adult child’s life with the unspoken rejoinder, close your mouth and open your wallet. Parents often give no advice, even when they have serious concerns. Thirty years as a family therapist and 28 years as a father, have taught me that parents should voice their opinion to their adult child about two specific issues: getting married and not waiting numerous years before having children.
The Domino Effect
In recent years, the trend of delaying marriage has caused a domino effect on other trends which have a significant emotional cost for families and an enormous financial cost to society. The dominos are: delayed marriage—delayed childbearing—augmented infertility—elevated multiple births—increased rates of pre-term births and caesarian sections. My goal in this column is to describe these decisions to delay marriage and childbearing and the resulting consequences. I will offer some suggestions that parents might use in dealing with their adult child.
Of the 4.1 million births registered in the U.S. in 2005, 37 percent were born to unmarried women (CDC). Some of the reasons that couples cohabit include: convenience, economy of savings, preparation for the marriage commitment, and apprehension about the high divorce rate. But these couples are actually practicing non-commitment. Even if they eventually marry, they have less satisfying marriages and higher divorce rates than spouses who did not first live together (National Marriage Project). If the unmarried biological parents go their separate ways, where does that leave the children?
If I am perhaps describing your adult child, don’t you want the best possible family environment for your grandchild? Wouldn’t you consider voicing your opinion to your son or daughter, knowing the irrefutable research finding: the best environment to raise children is two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage? You might respond that you don’t want to “meddle” or times have changed and it’s not like the old days when parents spoke their minds. My response mirrors a recent mass e-mail: don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
Adult Children Do Listen
Please don’t misunderstand me: Parents should not tell their grown child everything on their minds. But, in matters that are crucial for their well-being, they must speak up. My three decades of research into family size decisions have shown that adult children are aware of and appreciably influenced by the attitudes of their parents. One of my own survey research findings is the importance of family-of-origin family size as a predictor of total family size. The decisions our parents made about family size tend to have a significant impact on our own decisions.
In fact, reliance on the advice of parents has been described in the National Survey of Student Engagement (2007) which questioned 313,000 randomly selected college students. The survey revealed that young adults follow the advice of both parents more than twice as much as they listen to friends. So, if your son or daughter informs you that he/she wants to live together with a “significant other” for a few years, possibly even have a child or two, don’t respond with that 1960’s expression, do your own thing.
The First Two Dominos
Couples, who do choose to marry, are waiting longer to do so. According to the Census Bureau, between 1970 and 2000, the median age at first marriage for women increased by 4.3 years to 25.1 years; for men the increase was 3.6 years to 26.8.
In tandem with the later age at first marriage, is the decision to delay childbearing. The mean age of mothers in the U.S. was 24.6 in 1970 which increased to 27.2 in 2000 (CDC). Approximately 20% of women wait until after 35 to begin having children (www.ASRM.org). Consider that birth rates for women 35-39 and 40-44 years (which have risen steadily in recent years) each increased 2% in just one year, 2005 (CDC).
Why do these delays occur? Education and career, which are positive trends, are important factors in women’s decisions to delay marriage and motherhood. From 1970 to 2000, the percent of women having completed four or more years of college nearly tripled and the female labor force participation rate increased by 39% (CDC 12/11/02). The availability of contraception allows couples to delay childbearing while strengthening their relationship, establishing careers, and amassing enough assets to settle down for a secure and comfortable future. But how emotionally secure and financially comfortable are they going to be down the road? Will their marital bond be able to withstand the stress imposed by infertility, multiple births, and pre-term infants?
Infertility
The decision to delay comes with consequences that take their toll on spouses and society. The miscarriage rate (34%) is triple for women 40-44, compared to those ages 20-29 (10%). The risk of having a Down Syndrome child increases from one in 1250 for a 25 year old mother, to one in 30 for a 45-year-old mother (ASRM). Infertility, the next domino, affects 7.3 million people in the U.S., representing 12% of the women in the reproductive age population (CDC). A healthy 30 year old woman has a 20% chance each month to get pregnant; a healthy 40 year old woman has a 5% chance each month (ASRM). Secondary infertility, which can follow the birth of one or more biological children, is more prevalent than primary infertility. The emotional toll from the long-term inability to conceive a child can be devastating to spouses. Common feelings include: frustration, jealousy, anger, isolation, sadness and guilt. Self-image and self-confidence are affected as well.
Frequent visits to physicians interfere with careers and regardless of which spouse has the physical problems, most of the tests and treatments focus on the woman’s body. People typically assume that infertility is the woman’s fault and that adds to the stress (Abby, Andrews and Halman. Journal of Marriage and Family, May 1992). The financing of infertility treatments is considerable. Each in vitro fertilization cycle costs more than $12,000 with many couples requiring multiple cycles. The total cost for all types of fertility treatments exceeds $3 billion per year.
Remember when your child was young; you didn’t want to spoil her by giving her everything she asked for at the mall. But you knew which gift she really wanted and you waited for the right occasion to give it. Now, imagine your feelings of helplessness, when your adult child wants nothing in this world more than to parent a child. You can be supportive and optimistic, but there is no department store that sells what you wish you could buy.
Multiple Births
The huge number of couples undergoing fertility treatments has tipped another domino, multiple births. About 45% of Assisted Reproduction Techniques pregnancies result in twins and 7% in triplets or more (March of Dimes). The birth rate for twins in the U.S. rose steadily between 1990 and 2004, climbing an average of 3% annually for a total increase of 42% since 1990, and 70% since 1980. “Two related trends have been closely associated with the rise in multiple births over the last two decades: the older age at childbearing (women in their thirties are more likely than younger women to conceive multiples spontaneously) and the widening use of fertility therapies” (CDC 12/5/07).
Increased fetal risks include: higher chance of miscarriage, birth defects, and the mental/physical problems that can result from a premature delivery. Fetal mortality rates are higher for a number of groups, including: women who are 35 and over, unmarried women, and multiple deliveries. “Twins are 5 times and triplets are nearly 15 times more likely than singletons to die within a month of birth” (CDC 12/5/07). Maternal risks include high blood pressure, diabetes, and hemorrhaging”. Multiple gestation is associated with more depression, lack of sleep, financial difficulties, and marital discord (ASRM).
One method of reducing the risks is Multi-fetal Pregnancy Reduction. When there are four or more fetuses present, the number is reduced to one or two. This technique is used in an effort to increase the likelihood that the pregnancy will continue.
Remember when you taught your child decision-making, such as which friends she could invite for a sleepover or how she should spend her hard earned allowance. Did you imagine that one day you might be giving support to your child in her decision to proceed with multi-fetal pregnancy reduction?
Pre-Term Babies
More than half of twins are born pre-term and approximately half of twins and almost all higher order multiples start life with a low birth weight. Data from 2005 indicates the premature birth rate is continuing to rise, with more than 525,000 babies or 12.7% born prematurely (March of Dimes 12/5/07).
Preemies tend to encounter these difficulties: low birth weight, breathing problems, underdeveloped organs, risk of infection and risk of cerebral palsy (NICHD). Researchers, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine (1/17/02) concluded, “Very low birth weight participants had a lower mean IQ; educational disadvantage associated with very low birth weight persists into early adulthood.” And the emotional toll? Preemie families face a stressful new world. Parents may only enjoy a brief encounter with their baby before she is whisked away to the NICU for weeks, even months. And the financial toll? More than $26.2 billion per year. “Direct health care costs to employers for a premature baby average $41,610—15 times higher than the $2,830 for a healthy, full-term delivery. Additional costs to employers in lost productivity average $2,766” (March of Dimes, Cost to Business).
Remember when you taught your child patience, such as waiting for a mail-order gift to arrive or standing in line at Disney World. Now, imagine how you may need to give strength to your child as she waits patiently for her baby to come home after months in the NICU.
Caesarian Sections
The last domino is the soaring number of caesarian deliveries (1.25 million per year). The current c-section rate of 30.3 percent is triple the 10.4% c-section rate of 1975 (ACOG Stats and Facts 2007). Mothers of multiples are more likely to have c-sections and a growing number of doctors and patients are scheduling c-sections for their own convenience. The cost of a c-section ($13,441) is twice that of a vaginal delivery, with the national total exceeding $17 billion per year (ACOG). And the human price tag? Risks for mothers include: anesthesia, increased bleeding, chance of infection and blood clots in legs, pelvic organs, and lungs. Risks for the baby are inactivity from the anesthesia and possible breathing problems (March of Dimes).
Conclusion
The trends described above are not small blips on the radar screen; they are continents. They are years in the making and would take a major upheaval to reverse by even a percent or two. My real hope is that these trends will not continue to increase. I also hope that with the catastrophic divorce rate in the U.S. hovering at 50%, not one more marriage will succumb to the marital stress caused by these trends. But as long as parents are either too shy or too worried to put in their two cents, these emotionally devastating and costly trends may continue to surge.
Remember how it took courage to sit down with your pre-teen and explain the birds and the bees? Summon that courage again and tell your adult children your opinions on the importance of marriage and the timing of children.
Remember when your child was in grade school? You soccer moms and side-line dads, who ran yourselves ragged in your minivans because violin, astronomy, chess, swimming and painting weren’t enough—you also insisted that your child go to Math camp. Didn’t you believe that all the hyper-parenting was in your child’s best interest so that she would have the best chance to succeed in life? Do you want to see your adult child go through the frustration, pain and sometimes grief from the trends described above? And the possible negative consequences for your grandchild?
Final Thoughts
It is vital to remember the "context" that a parent would have this discussion with an adult child. You cannot just spring this topic on your grown child out of nowhere. You need to communicate and demonstrate the values of marriage and parenthood to tweens and teens, long before they are ready to be independent. Second, you have to convey to your grown children that you are willing to help them raise their children, to the extent that you are able. You cannot simply give lip service to the trends and consequences described here; you need to step up to the plate and offer your services and resources. Be willing to put your time, energy, and money where your mouth is, not only for the personal joy of bouncing a grandchild on your lap, but so your grandchildren can reap the benefits of significant contact hours with YOU....their grandparents. Don't you want to help your adult child start a family while you are young and have the energy and health to be helpful in addition to joyful? So please don't be cheap. Your offer to help your children financially in the early years of marriage can make all the difference in the world to a young couple who is determined to be self-sufficient. I’d like to change the rejoinder to open your mouth and open your wallet too.
When your newlyweds tell you they are in no hurry to start a family, will you be prepared to respond? Children do respect the opinions of their parents, and truly need to hear them.
Please comment on this column at DrAlanSinger@aol.com
Supersized Family Big on Parental Love, Sibling Support by Dr. Alan Singer
When you see a family with a huge number of children, is your first thought....how can they possibly manage? In this column, I discuss several large family stereotypes, but more importantly the conluence of sibling support. The Home News Tribune published this on May 28, 2008
In order to give you a complete picture of life in a large family, I first asked Rabbi Norman Weitzner and wife Naomi how many children they have. His response: More than 10. Her response: Not enough.
When asked why they won't give me the exact count, Norman responded, "It hurts childless couples to describe the size of a big family so I don't want to." Naomi's approach: "When you quantify the size of a group of children, you don't differentiate individuals and you should, because each one is a separate person."
Back in the 1970s, when they lived in Boulder, Colo., where Norman directed the University of Colorado Hillel, a reporter with an anti-large family bias asked their 7-year-old son, "Don't you feel bad you have so little time with Mom and Dad because there are so many kids at home?" Their son responded, "Oh no, just the opposite. When one parent is busy, there's always someone else to play with." As a large family in the heyday of the Zero Population Growth movement, they used to get plenty of dirty looks. Naomi recalled overhearing a woman say to her friend, "What can we do, they are using up all our oxygen."
Even though I have no anti-large family bias, I still felt the need (not sure why) to question them on large family stereotypes. One by one, they shot each down. When I asked about safety, Naomi described the "buddy system" rule for bicycle riding. "They could never ride without a sibling, and once it really paid off because my son fell off his bicycle and was badly hurt. His brother flagged down a car and sent them to our home urgently." Naomi insisted, "Our children know that we are not out for No. 1 all the time; we're also out for No. 2, or No. 3, which is how we raised them." The rabbi added, "Kids in a large family know that they have to share with other people; they are not as self-centered."
When I asked how they survived what had to be a three-ring circus at times, they explained the importance of being well organized. Each child had a job to do, and jobs were rotated monthly.
Was there time for recreation? "Sure," Naomi responded, "if they wanted a day trip on Sunday, I'd point out their unfinished household chores and give them a time deadline. Things happened — zoom!"
I inquired about the amount of time they gave each child, based on dividing up the parental hours per day. Naomi took umbrage at my question: "Tell me, Dr. Singer, today's latchkey kids, who come home to an empty house or to the maid, are they all from large families? The amount of time a parent has is not related to the number of children. I don't subscribe to the thinking that if you have six kids, each child gets one-sixth of your love. You can read a story to three children and you can take three kids on an adventure hike. A child does not feel less loved because his siblings come along on a trip."
The last stereotype we discussed was the resentment of older siblings who are placed in a caretaker role. The rabbi explained, "Someone asked if our firstborn daughter, who was followed by many sons, resented being the oldest. I suggested to him that we wait and see what my daughter decides for her own family size when she gets married. Well, she has many children of her own, so the proof is in the pudding."
Enough about stereotypes; let me describe some fascinating sibling insights. The Weitzners are quite proud of how well their children look after each other. Four of their married sons and their families live within one block of each other in Brooklyn, N.Y. "It is not to be believed how much they help each other," Naomi says. "When one of them moves to a new house, they all get together, pack the furniture, and load the moving van, even if it means lowering a couch from a second-floor balcony." "My son, who is in home construction, will go to his siblings and retile their kitchen floor at no charge," says Norman. "My son the lawyer did all their house closings for free." "One of our sons often says to his siblings, "If you ever need money, just let me know." Naomi adds. "Can you imagine?"
Certainly, credit for the success of this large family belongs squarely in the hands of Norman and Naomi. Dr. Richard Weinberg, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota, stated in Child Magazine (September 2000), "Indeed, parents — not family size — have the ultimate power to shape their children's lives. If parents are patient and caring and want to invest in their kids, they can have lots of well-adjusted children." "And," add the Weitzners, "plenty of prayers and tears directed toward the Creator, who is the third partner of every set of parents."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com. "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
In order to give you a complete picture of life in a large family, I first asked Rabbi Norman Weitzner and wife Naomi how many children they have. His response: More than 10. Her response: Not enough.
When asked why they won't give me the exact count, Norman responded, "It hurts childless couples to describe the size of a big family so I don't want to." Naomi's approach: "When you quantify the size of a group of children, you don't differentiate individuals and you should, because each one is a separate person."
Back in the 1970s, when they lived in Boulder, Colo., where Norman directed the University of Colorado Hillel, a reporter with an anti-large family bias asked their 7-year-old son, "Don't you feel bad you have so little time with Mom and Dad because there are so many kids at home?" Their son responded, "Oh no, just the opposite. When one parent is busy, there's always someone else to play with." As a large family in the heyday of the Zero Population Growth movement, they used to get plenty of dirty looks. Naomi recalled overhearing a woman say to her friend, "What can we do, they are using up all our oxygen."
Even though I have no anti-large family bias, I still felt the need (not sure why) to question them on large family stereotypes. One by one, they shot each down. When I asked about safety, Naomi described the "buddy system" rule for bicycle riding. "They could never ride without a sibling, and once it really paid off because my son fell off his bicycle and was badly hurt. His brother flagged down a car and sent them to our home urgently." Naomi insisted, "Our children know that we are not out for No. 1 all the time; we're also out for No. 2, or No. 3, which is how we raised them." The rabbi added, "Kids in a large family know that they have to share with other people; they are not as self-centered."
When I asked how they survived what had to be a three-ring circus at times, they explained the importance of being well organized. Each child had a job to do, and jobs were rotated monthly.
Was there time for recreation? "Sure," Naomi responded, "if they wanted a day trip on Sunday, I'd point out their unfinished household chores and give them a time deadline. Things happened — zoom!"
I inquired about the amount of time they gave each child, based on dividing up the parental hours per day. Naomi took umbrage at my question: "Tell me, Dr. Singer, today's latchkey kids, who come home to an empty house or to the maid, are they all from large families? The amount of time a parent has is not related to the number of children. I don't subscribe to the thinking that if you have six kids, each child gets one-sixth of your love. You can read a story to three children and you can take three kids on an adventure hike. A child does not feel less loved because his siblings come along on a trip."
The last stereotype we discussed was the resentment of older siblings who are placed in a caretaker role. The rabbi explained, "Someone asked if our firstborn daughter, who was followed by many sons, resented being the oldest. I suggested to him that we wait and see what my daughter decides for her own family size when she gets married. Well, she has many children of her own, so the proof is in the pudding."
Enough about stereotypes; let me describe some fascinating sibling insights. The Weitzners are quite proud of how well their children look after each other. Four of their married sons and their families live within one block of each other in Brooklyn, N.Y. "It is not to be believed how much they help each other," Naomi says. "When one of them moves to a new house, they all get together, pack the furniture, and load the moving van, even if it means lowering a couch from a second-floor balcony." "My son, who is in home construction, will go to his siblings and retile their kitchen floor at no charge," says Norman. "My son the lawyer did all their house closings for free." "One of our sons often says to his siblings, "If you ever need money, just let me know." Naomi adds. "Can you imagine?"
Certainly, credit for the success of this large family belongs squarely in the hands of Norman and Naomi. Dr. Richard Weinberg, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota, stated in Child Magazine (September 2000), "Indeed, parents — not family size — have the ultimate power to shape their children's lives. If parents are patient and caring and want to invest in their kids, they can have lots of well-adjusted children." "And," add the Weitzners, "plenty of prayers and tears directed toward the Creator, who is the third partner of every set of parents."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com. "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Copter Parents Best Climb to a Higher Altitude by Dr. Alan Singer
If parents hover above their adult children and frequently swoop down to intervene on their behalf, how will those children mature and be responsible for themselves? And now, a new trend--submarine parents? This column was published in the 3/28/08 edition of the Home News Tribune
Hovering parents that install Web cameras in a child's college dorm room or accompany children to job interviews are referred to as "helicopter parents." How big a problem is this? It's hard to say. But getting parents to teach their children to be responsible for themselves is vital. If hovering parents frequently swoop down to run interference for their offspring, their children won't have an opportunity to grow up.
Recently, the 2007 Report of the National Survey of Student Engagement (Indiana University) indicated that intervention by family members does not blunt student engagement, learning, and development during college. This optimistic data comes from more than 300,000 randomly selected first-year and senior students at 610 four-year colleges and universities. Helicopter parents, those in frequent contact and frequently intervening on behalf of their children, reported: Higher levels of engagement and more frequent use of deep-learning activities, greater gains on a host of desired college outcomes, and greater satisfaction with the college experience.
According to the survey, seven of 10 students communicated very often with at least one parent or guardian during the academic year. Electronic communication was more common than face-to-face. Further, 13 percent of first-year students reported a parent frequently intervened to help solve problems, with another 25 percent saying a parent sometimes intervened.
And what is the electronic communication device of choice? The cell phone. Dr. Graham Spanier, president of Penn State, in a lecture to the National Council on Family Relations observed, "The first thing that happens when a freshman moves into the dorm, is that he hooks up his computer. Next, his mother makes his bed." Spanier went on to explain that the most interesting trend of recent years is that there is no more crying when the parents leave, thanks to cell phones. Every freshman has one. In his own survey of Penn State students, he found that within 48 hours of drop-off at college, freshmen have spoken with a parent seven to eight times on average.
Dr. Bill Doherty of the University of Minnesota explained, "This is a serious problem that extends into the workplace, when HR professionals have to field calls from Mom and Dad about Samantha's job interview, performance or benefit package." When I questioned Doherty on whether college students really need any parental supervision, he stressed that the human brain does not mature until age 25 and it is a good idea for Mom and Dad to look for signs of trouble and be prepared to intervene. Signs of trouble include slipping grades or a break in the regular schedule of communication. "But when it comes to handling their college course work and relationships with teachers and friends," added Doherty, "this is a time for kids to do their own negotiating, with Mom and Dad as mentors."
Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman does not think helicopter parenting is a big problem, writing to me, "The awareness of what the kids of whatever age are doing is not control, just monitoring." Pittman does not object to parents knowing what kids are doing, as long as parents don't think they need to control it. He sees no problem, as long as the copter is far enough above and concluded, "A parent is not a probation officer. Rather than trying to catch kids misbehaving at this age and distance, we talk with them. If we make that process pleasant enough, they'll talk back."
I wonder if I am also a helicopter parent. Judge for yourself after reading this anecdote. Recently, while in Florida with my family, I suggested to my 17-year-old that we try an introductory scuba course at Pennekamp State Park in the Keys. I experienced the wonders of diving in Eilat, Israel, and wanted her to have a chance. Before I knew it, we were 35 feet below the surface with our instructor. I began to panic, but not about myself. What had I dragged my daughter into for the sake of having a good time? We human beings are land-based creatures who don't breathe compressed air from a bottle. I couldn't appreciate the magnificent reef, because I was too nervous about my daughter.
There's no talking under water — only sign language. I couldn't understand why my daughter kept giving me the OK sign. How could she possibly be OK 35 feet deep, surrounded by parrot fish, snapper, and barracuda that swam within inches of us? My hyperventilation resulted in our instructor cutting the first dive short because (no surprise) I was running low on air. As we surfaced, I expected to bear the brunt of her fear, disappointment and possibly tears. Instead, she described it as "exhilarating and awesome."
My paranoia about her well-being was entirely my agenda, not hers. Thankfully, we had a terrific second dive together that I enjoyed as a normal person. How big a problem is "submarine parenting"? It's hard to say.
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail him at DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Hovering parents that install Web cameras in a child's college dorm room or accompany children to job interviews are referred to as "helicopter parents." How big a problem is this? It's hard to say. But getting parents to teach their children to be responsible for themselves is vital. If hovering parents frequently swoop down to run interference for their offspring, their children won't have an opportunity to grow up.
Recently, the 2007 Report of the National Survey of Student Engagement (Indiana University) indicated that intervention by family members does not blunt student engagement, learning, and development during college. This optimistic data comes from more than 300,000 randomly selected first-year and senior students at 610 four-year colleges and universities. Helicopter parents, those in frequent contact and frequently intervening on behalf of their children, reported: Higher levels of engagement and more frequent use of deep-learning activities, greater gains on a host of desired college outcomes, and greater satisfaction with the college experience.
According to the survey, seven of 10 students communicated very often with at least one parent or guardian during the academic year. Electronic communication was more common than face-to-face. Further, 13 percent of first-year students reported a parent frequently intervened to help solve problems, with another 25 percent saying a parent sometimes intervened.
And what is the electronic communication device of choice? The cell phone. Dr. Graham Spanier, president of Penn State, in a lecture to the National Council on Family Relations observed, "The first thing that happens when a freshman moves into the dorm, is that he hooks up his computer. Next, his mother makes his bed." Spanier went on to explain that the most interesting trend of recent years is that there is no more crying when the parents leave, thanks to cell phones. Every freshman has one. In his own survey of Penn State students, he found that within 48 hours of drop-off at college, freshmen have spoken with a parent seven to eight times on average.
Dr. Bill Doherty of the University of Minnesota explained, "This is a serious problem that extends into the workplace, when HR professionals have to field calls from Mom and Dad about Samantha's job interview, performance or benefit package." When I questioned Doherty on whether college students really need any parental supervision, he stressed that the human brain does not mature until age 25 and it is a good idea for Mom and Dad to look for signs of trouble and be prepared to intervene. Signs of trouble include slipping grades or a break in the regular schedule of communication. "But when it comes to handling their college course work and relationships with teachers and friends," added Doherty, "this is a time for kids to do their own negotiating, with Mom and Dad as mentors."
Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman does not think helicopter parenting is a big problem, writing to me, "The awareness of what the kids of whatever age are doing is not control, just monitoring." Pittman does not object to parents knowing what kids are doing, as long as parents don't think they need to control it. He sees no problem, as long as the copter is far enough above and concluded, "A parent is not a probation officer. Rather than trying to catch kids misbehaving at this age and distance, we talk with them. If we make that process pleasant enough, they'll talk back."
I wonder if I am also a helicopter parent. Judge for yourself after reading this anecdote. Recently, while in Florida with my family, I suggested to my 17-year-old that we try an introductory scuba course at Pennekamp State Park in the Keys. I experienced the wonders of diving in Eilat, Israel, and wanted her to have a chance. Before I knew it, we were 35 feet below the surface with our instructor. I began to panic, but not about myself. What had I dragged my daughter into for the sake of having a good time? We human beings are land-based creatures who don't breathe compressed air from a bottle. I couldn't appreciate the magnificent reef, because I was too nervous about my daughter.
There's no talking under water — only sign language. I couldn't understand why my daughter kept giving me the OK sign. How could she possibly be OK 35 feet deep, surrounded by parrot fish, snapper, and barracuda that swam within inches of us? My hyperventilation resulted in our instructor cutting the first dive short because (no surprise) I was running low on air. As we surfaced, I expected to bear the brunt of her fear, disappointment and possibly tears. Instead, she described it as "exhilarating and awesome."
My paranoia about her well-being was entirely my agenda, not hers. Thankfully, we had a terrific second dive together that I enjoyed as a normal person. How big a problem is "submarine parenting"? It's hard to say.
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail him at DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Home is the Heart of Learning and Where Education Starts by Dr. Alan Singer
The ETS does some things other than scaring teenagers with those 3 dreaded letters--SAT. In this column, I describe a terrific study that was recently sponsored by the ETS. This column was published in the Home News Tribune on 02/20/08.
Three letters send shivers down the spine of most academically conscientious teenagers — ETS. Or maybe you know the Educational Testing Service by the better-known abbreviation — SAT.
SAT questions "are developed by a prestigious team of world-renowned academic experts, who get them from "Jeopardy!' " according to humor scholar Dave Barry. In fact, Barry says "the original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the ETS's Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake.' "
When I came across a recent research study published by ETS, I was gratified to learn that there are products of this company that are not designed to primarily put fear in the hearts of adolescents. And what a terrific piece of research they produced, "The Family: America's Smallest School." In the introduction, the study's authors, Paul E. Barton and Richard J. Coley, state, "Improving a child's home environment to make it more conducive to learning is critical if we are to improve the educational achievement of the nation's students." Toward reaching this goal, the authors suggest, "We need to develop cooperative partnerships in which families are allies in the efforts of teachers and schools."
I called Richard Coley to chat about the study. He directs the Policy Information Center of the ETS. "This report seems to have struck a chord," Coley said, adding, "ETS has conducted research reports that go back over 20 years."
Here are several types of family and home conditions that research has found to make a difference in children's cognitive development and school achievements:
Parent-pupil ratio: "In selected international comparisons, the U.S. ranks the highest in percentage of single-parent households, and Japan ranks the lowest." The number of U.S. children who live without two parents has declined to 68 percent (from 77 percent in 1980). An astonishing 44 percent of births to women under age 30 are out of wedlock. "Being raised by a single parent in itself steepens the odds considerably," explains Michael Winerip (The New York Times, December 9, 2007). "On average," suggests Winerip, "the child with a single parent is 2.5 times more likely to repeat a grade." Children need as many contact hours as possible with their parents. I have urged it before in this column, and it bears repeating. Children need quantity time with parents, not just quality time.
Family finances: "Income is an important factor in a family's ability to fund the tangible and intangible elements that contribute to making the home an educationally supportive environment," explain the authors of the study. "Nationally, 19 percent of children live in poverty, and 11 percent of all households are food-insecure. One-third of children live in families in which no parent has full-time year-round employment."
Literacy development: Income has relevance to this category as well. The study's authors found, "By age 4, the average child in a professional family hears about 20 million more words than the average child in a working-class family, and about 35 million more words than children in welfare families." Can we agree that talk is not cheap? The spoken word is vital to each child's education. And the written word? There is an income disparity in this category as well. "Sixty-two percent of high socio-economic status (SES) kindergartners are read to every day by their parents, compared to 36 percent of the kindergartners in the lowest socio-economic status group."
The most interesting finding of the study, in my opinion, is the ability to predict two-thirds of the large differences among states in the National Assessment of Educational Progress eighth-grade reading scores. Four family-home factors stand out, and — to some degree — each is likely to be related to the others: single-parent families, parents reading to young children every day, hours spent watching television (35% of eighth-graders watch four or more hours of television on an average weekday) and the frequency of school absences (one in five students misses three or more days of school each month). Therefore, if you want to help your children academically, keep your marriage strong, read to/with your children frequently, discourage excessive "screen time" and monitor your children's attendance at school carefully.
And one more interesting tidbit that the study's authors found: Make sure your child has a desk or table where he/she can study. Eighty-six percent of U.S. eighth-graders do, which is just above the international average. In our phone conversation, Coley stressed, "Not all kids have a quiet place to study, and they certainly need it."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Three letters send shivers down the spine of most academically conscientious teenagers — ETS. Or maybe you know the Educational Testing Service by the better-known abbreviation — SAT.
SAT questions "are developed by a prestigious team of world-renowned academic experts, who get them from "Jeopardy!' " according to humor scholar Dave Barry. In fact, Barry says "the original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the ETS's Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake.' "
When I came across a recent research study published by ETS, I was gratified to learn that there are products of this company that are not designed to primarily put fear in the hearts of adolescents. And what a terrific piece of research they produced, "The Family: America's Smallest School." In the introduction, the study's authors, Paul E. Barton and Richard J. Coley, state, "Improving a child's home environment to make it more conducive to learning is critical if we are to improve the educational achievement of the nation's students." Toward reaching this goal, the authors suggest, "We need to develop cooperative partnerships in which families are allies in the efforts of teachers and schools."
I called Richard Coley to chat about the study. He directs the Policy Information Center of the ETS. "This report seems to have struck a chord," Coley said, adding, "ETS has conducted research reports that go back over 20 years."
Here are several types of family and home conditions that research has found to make a difference in children's cognitive development and school achievements:
Parent-pupil ratio: "In selected international comparisons, the U.S. ranks the highest in percentage of single-parent households, and Japan ranks the lowest." The number of U.S. children who live without two parents has declined to 68 percent (from 77 percent in 1980). An astonishing 44 percent of births to women under age 30 are out of wedlock. "Being raised by a single parent in itself steepens the odds considerably," explains Michael Winerip (The New York Times, December 9, 2007). "On average," suggests Winerip, "the child with a single parent is 2.5 times more likely to repeat a grade." Children need as many contact hours as possible with their parents. I have urged it before in this column, and it bears repeating. Children need quantity time with parents, not just quality time.
Family finances: "Income is an important factor in a family's ability to fund the tangible and intangible elements that contribute to making the home an educationally supportive environment," explain the authors of the study. "Nationally, 19 percent of children live in poverty, and 11 percent of all households are food-insecure. One-third of children live in families in which no parent has full-time year-round employment."
Literacy development: Income has relevance to this category as well. The study's authors found, "By age 4, the average child in a professional family hears about 20 million more words than the average child in a working-class family, and about 35 million more words than children in welfare families." Can we agree that talk is not cheap? The spoken word is vital to each child's education. And the written word? There is an income disparity in this category as well. "Sixty-two percent of high socio-economic status (SES) kindergartners are read to every day by their parents, compared to 36 percent of the kindergartners in the lowest socio-economic status group."
The most interesting finding of the study, in my opinion, is the ability to predict two-thirds of the large differences among states in the National Assessment of Educational Progress eighth-grade reading scores. Four family-home factors stand out, and — to some degree — each is likely to be related to the others: single-parent families, parents reading to young children every day, hours spent watching television (35% of eighth-graders watch four or more hours of television on an average weekday) and the frequency of school absences (one in five students misses three or more days of school each month). Therefore, if you want to help your children academically, keep your marriage strong, read to/with your children frequently, discourage excessive "screen time" and monitor your children's attendance at school carefully.
And one more interesting tidbit that the study's authors found: Make sure your child has a desk or table where he/she can study. Eighty-six percent of U.S. eighth-graders do, which is just above the international average. In our phone conversation, Coley stressed, "Not all kids have a quiet place to study, and they certainly need it."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's blog http://www.familythinking.com/ or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
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