Boredom in Marriage is More Concerning than Marital Conflict

At the beginning of a relationship, everything about your partner seems new and exciting. Your spouse’s stories are fascinating and their jokes are funny. Your time spent together is fun and enjoyable simply because it’s time spent together.

Newsflash: those feelings don't last forever. Life happens. Work obligations and children get in the way. Marriages start at their high point and a decline in relationship satisfaction is inevitable after that. The first months of marriage are the happiest, but the intensity of positive feelings that characterizes the honeymoon stage, is simply unsustainable. The magic dissipates and boredom quietly casts its gray pall. Do not ignore boredom in an intimate relationship.  

 

Meaning

Meaning is necessary in social processes. An absence of meaning in an activity or circumstance, leads to an experience of boredom. This is a restless, irritable feeling that the subject’s current activity or situation holds no appeal, and that there is a need to get on with something interesting.

 

Marriage is Not a Passion-fest

What makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small and often boring nonprofit business (L. Gottlieb 2008).

 

Brain Stimulation Ebbs

Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, studied brain activity of loving couples as they lay in an FMRI machine. She observed that the end of infatuation is grounded in brain physiology. The brain cannot eternally maintain the revved-up state of romantic bliss created by the brain’s natural stimulants which are amphetamine-like substances. The duration of romantic love from the moment infatuation clutches to when a ‘feeling of neutrality’ for one’s love object began is between eighteen months and three years. If you want a situation where you and your long-term partner can still get excited about each other, you will have to work on it, because you are bucking a biological tide (H. Fisher 1992).

                             Marital Boredom Impacts Marital Satisfaction

Research findings by Elizabeth Muturi, published in the International Journal of Psychology 2023, describe boredom in marriage as influencing the spouses’ behaviors, emotions, and cognitions. This includes reducing positive and increasing negative interactions, lowering mood, and even impairing judgment. Boredom can impact physical and mental health. Things start to look boring once everything becomes repetitive and predictable. They say variety is the spice of life, yet sharing your life with just one person contradicts that. Sadly, when people start to crave something new, it opens the door to infidelity.

Boredom is Worse than Conflict

We therapists, are better equipped to tackle the issue of marital conflict than marital boredom. We implore couples to use and listen for repair statements to de-escalate conflict. We teach couples to use soft start-up rather than harsh start-up and that “I” statements evoke empathy and “you” statements evoke defensiveness. We stress compromise: neither partner wins it all; neither loses it all. 

J Gottman’s research indicates that all couples fight; it is inevitable. The key is to learn how to fight smart, so that spouses don't hurt each other. Although fighting with your partner is never pleasant, research shows that when conflict is managed in a healthy and productive way, it can actually lead to deeper understanding and an improved relationship.

How to Overcome Boredom in Marriage

 It is neither spouse’s responsibility to entertain or play the role of activities director for their partner. It is both of their responsibilities.

Seven recommendations:

Enhance the quality and quantity of your communication. Do not just “find” the time to be together, “make” the time. Seek counseling because sadly, less than 10% of divorcing couples talk to anyone at all about their marital challenges.

Share new and meaningful experiences together. The pursuit of meaning is more important than the pursuit of happiness because it is enduring. If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. Think outside the box!

Spice up intimacy. If you and your spouse lack physical and/or emotional intimacy, your entire relationship will be affected. Find a certified sex therapist and start sessions to keep things between you as fresh as possible.

Straightforward conversation starts with “I”. “I” statements evoke empathy such as, I am feeling like we are in a rut.

Intertwine good mental health with good physical health. Focus on the triangle of health: Diet-make nutritious food together and make it fun. Exercise-join the gym and go together. Utilize good sleep hygiene.

Make a life of your own outside of your marriage. Have your own friends, hobbies, and interests. If you choose to stand still while the world keeps spinning on, you are without a doubt going to grow bored of your life.

Play and adventure are vital components of a successful and joyous relationship. Too often, we put “play” at the end of our to-do list. Recent data from Dr. John Gottman: 41,000 couples were asked what they fight about and 86% responded, not having fun anymore.  

Don’t Pass Down the Marital Boredom ‘Gene’ to Your Children!

In today’s highly scheduled families, many parents and children seem to be losing their ability to just hang out together. Unaccustomed to entertaining themselves, children complain of being bored, and parents feel responsible for entertaining them. The children reject the recommendations of their “recreation director” parents, get antsy and irritable and throw themselves into mindless television-watching or other types of screen time. Boredom is an accepted part of adolescence. Developmental and contextual factors are likely to conspire to increase boredom during adolescence which leads to health-risk behaviors. A study of 100K teenagers from 2008 to 2017 indicates that boredom has been steadily increasing among adolescents, with greater increases among girls (Journal of Adolescent Health, March 2020). Think: precursor to marital boredom?

Talmudic sages mandated an engagement period before marriage. The Tanoyim marriage agreement formalizes the man and woman’s commitment to each other. The sages understood that the nature of marriage is the magic tends to dissipate. It begins with the words “May good success rise and spring up as the plants in a watered garden.” Enduring marriage must be nurtured rather than to “coast” on the initial excitement. Enjoying the company of our loved ones is a skill. Practice makes perfect, and it’s never too early to start practicing!

Marital Survival Guide (by the letters) Second Installment

Following my first essay on AISH.com, I received several requests for a continuation of the alphabet. Below are the E, F, G, and H of the fifty day Marital Survival Guide. Your comments are greatly appreciated. 

E

Empathy:    It is normal to want to help your spouse soothe when they are upset. Telling them to “calm down” doesn’t work. It is simply another way of conveying that you feel they are overreacting. Dr. John Mordechai Gottman suggests that the goal is not to try to fix your spouse's feelings but to communicate that you understand and accept them. This is empathy.    

Ears:     There is a well-known question: Why did God give us two ears and one mouth? The answer: so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. Here is sound advice for productive conversations: be interested, not interesting.  

Easy:    Men, do you want to make regular deposits in the Care Bank? Ask your wife each morning what you can do to make her day easier.

Eliminate    the “D” word entirely from your discussions and disagreements. Why? It is like hitting the reset button and waiting for your computer to slowly reboot. With all couples on-the-brink who come to see me for counseling, I ask them to commit to two or three months of weekly therapy sessions - with the D word completely off the table. Otherwise, progress is nearly impossible.  

Enforce     a no-phone zone at family meals. Researchers found evidence that mobile phones have negative effects on closeness, connection, and conversation quality. (See G section below _ Google) Przybylski and Weinstein, May 6, 2013.   

Engage       the services of a qualified pro-marriage therapist earlier than the norm of two years that most couples wait before seeking professional help. Why pro-marriage? Because some therapists will proudly proclaim, "I'm not about saving marriages, I'm about helping people".  My slogan is the opposite:  “I'll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage".  

 F

Failed Bids:    What do couples argue about most often? Nothing. It turns out that most arguments are not about topics; they are about failed bids to connect. That’s fancy wording for "nothing" says Gottman as illustrated in this example using the television remote control. The husband is changing channels on the remote as they’re watching television together on the couch. The wife says, “leave it on that channel.” The husband responds, “I will, but let me just see what else is on.” She counters “no----leave it on that channel.” He says, “Fine!” Finally she declares...”Well the way that you said "fine" hurt my feelings.” He effectively ends the discussion by retorting, “I don't even want to watch television with you now.” What was this couple arguing about? Nothing, or like stated above, failed bids to connect.

Family:    The greatest danger of having a child-centered family is that when the children leave home, often the marriage does too. Empty nesters know this well. Second is the danger that even if the couple stays together after the children leave home, they may feel diminished as a couple. One couple that I counsel told their adult children "We were a great mom-dad team but a lousy husband-wife team." The third danger is benign but still regrettable. Some couples work on fixing their marriage after the children leave home and make significant progress. This is positive but sad for two reasons: many years of unmet marital potential, and even more important is the lack of good marital role models for their children (Dr. Bill Doherty).   

Father:     The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother (Theodore Newburgh).   

Feeling:     You are not going to feel "in love" all the time. If you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving (Dr. Frank Pittman obm).   

Forgive:     You hear the phrase forgive and forget so often that the two become equated with one another, when in fact, they have nothing to do with each other. Just because you have forgiven someone and given up the desire to take revenge, does not mean that you have forgotten the event ever happened (Michelle W. Davis).  The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong (Mahatma Gandhi).  

Friendship:     This is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust (Oxford Dictionary). Friendship is an infinitely more stabilizing basis for marriage then romance. Get good at friendship before you even think about falling in love (Pittman).  

                                                                     G

Gaze:     Men and women tend to experience intimacy differently according to Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Women experience intimacy from face-to-face contact; they use the "anchoring gaze". This comes from thousands of years of mothers holding their babies in front of their face. Women tend to draw closer, face each other, lock eyes, and proceed to reveal their hopes, worries, and details of their lives. Men are not going to look deeply into another's eyes because this is foreign to them. Men experience intimacy by working or gaming side-by-side. This male approach to intimacy probably also dates back thousands of years. Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the prairies in hopes of killing a passing buffalo in order to provide food for several families. Fisher suggests that in order to build intimacy with a man, a woman should do things with him that are side-by-side so that he isn't threatened by her gaze.  

Grand:       Gestures like diamond rings and weekends in the Caribbean are not as effective as smaller daily gestures.  

Gradual     is the key to successful change. Drastic change like huge swings of a pendulum tend not to be enduring.   

Grammar:     Surprisingly, correcting your spouse's grammar in the middle of a disagreement, can be considered contempt which is the most harmful form of communication. Who’d have thunk it?

Grudge Bearing:      Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski heard this at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and it helped him to rid himself of resentment. “Harboring resentment is like allowing someone you don't like to live inside your head without pay rent....and I'm not that nice a guy.”  

Google "phubbing definition" and pay attention to what you find.  

H

Happiness:     The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything (Old Adage).  

Marriage     is not supposed to make you happy; it is supposed to make you married. And once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy rather than wasting your adulthood looking for structure (Pittman).  

Holler:      I never met a woman yet who wants her husband to raise his voice to her. It is contemptuous because the husband feels and acts superior. It is putting oneself on a higher plane looking down from a position of authority, with an attitude of I am better/ smarter/ neater/ more punctual than you. Gottman asserts that contempt is the single best predictor of relationship dissolution. It is for this reason that I give every husband who I counsel permission to yell only these three words at his wife (when applicable) “Fire-Get-Out!”

Hope:  Think hopeful      Speak hopeful   Act hopeful

Rabbi Yissocher Frand explains that "despair" is indeed a grave sin. According to the legendary Chassidic master Rabbi Aharon Karliner, it is the most destructive of all sins, because when hope is lost, all is lost. 

Be hopeful that all your efforts at nurturing your marriage will bring you true and lasting Shalom Bayis.  

Your Fifty Day Marital Survival Guide by Dr. Alan Singer

 

Join me in taking an aggressive approach to saving marriages during this seemingly endless coronavirus pandemic. Many U.S. scientists believe that the peak has passed and in fifty days our lives should significantly improve. Fact? No. But whatever we’re short with facts, let’s make up for in optimism. There are no assurances about when social distancing will end. 

 

Our collective loss of control escalates our anxiety level. Heightened anxiety fans the sparks of disagreement and can magnify them into full scale arguments. One of the couples that I counsel commented, "Fifty more days...it will be a miracle if our marriage last fifty more minutes!"

 

Rest assured that if you threaten divorce (or actually initiate divorce steps) in the midst of this tragic pandemic, you will most likely regret it down the road. Blow off some steam by doubling your exercise regimen on the step-master, not by abruptly reversing the most important decision of your life - your marital commitment. Here it is, short and blunt: the ABC's of sustaining your marriage for the next fifty days. 

 

Ø > > A < < <

 

Avoid judgmental questions and harsh start-ups effective today.

Here is a neutral question: Debbie what time is it?

Here is a judgmental question: Is this how much coffee you normally drink at work? The difference is clear. Maintain some distance between you and your spouse during work hours and avoid snooping around or being nosey.  

 

Avoid “you” statements because they evoke defensiveness. Use “I” statements because they evoke empathy.  

Try this: I am overwhelmed and can use your help now. 

Not this: You never lift a finger to help me.  

 

Use A soft start-up like this: I feel like I've been stuck in the kitchen alone all week rather than a harsh and judgmental one such as: I'd faint if you ever helped me make dinner.   

 

Avoid disagreement escalation. Use repair attempts such as "Wait, let me rephrase that." Dr. Eileen Feliciano wisely suggests, "Don't show up at every argument that you are invited to".  

 

A winning rule of thumb: If your goal is family well-being in a respectful partnership, then before you say or do something to your spouse ask yourself, is what I am about to say or do going to bring me closer or further from my goal? If further---STOP Yourself (Michelle Weiner Davis).  

 

Ø > > B < < <

 

Be the first to use these three words and use them liberally: Appreciation – Affection – Admiration. These words are a win-win for marriage.  

 

B is for respecting boundaries and one another’s space. Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggested last week "Creating a safe space can help people to feel in control so they feel happy instead of helpless...or even hostile" (NY Times 4-13-20). Another superb Fisher-ism is: Don't invoke the golden rule (Do unto Others) rather use the platinum rule---Do unto your spouse as she wants to have done for her.  

 

Space is more than just having elbow room. "Space and privacy have emerged as a class divide; more valuable than ever to those who have it and potentially fatal to those who don't (NY Times 4-13-20).   

 

The final B is to give your spouse the Benefit of the doubt.  Whether you call it "money in your emotional bank account" or "positive sentiment override" (Dr. John Gottman) your go-to position needs to be: My spouse means well; these are dreadful circumstances that we are in together. They’re not mean intentions.  

 

Ø > > C < < <

 

I am calling for a fifty day moratorium on Criticism of each other's character! We must stop ourselves. If you have a complaint about a specific behavior of your spouse, state that simply and civilly.  

Say this: We need to work together for thirty minutes daily to keep order here. 

Not this: I never realized how big a slob you are. 

 

Commit yourselves and your children to a daily routine.  

 

Commit yourselves to the triangle of health----Sleep-Nutrition-Exercise. 

These aren't suggestions...they are essential!

 

Couples don’t need to think alike…but they need to think together (R. Ralph Pelcovitz, obm).

Ø > > D < < <  

 

Decide that you will put meaningful effort into your marriage and keep the “D” word off the table and out of any conversations. Now is the time to protect your marriage; there will be plenty of time later if you choose the “D” route. 

 

Do the best that you can; Don't keep score.

 

Don't institute or eliminate any major rules especially with children.  

 

Don't make any major decisions especially something as substantial as whether or not to have another child in the future.  

 

Do seek out professional marital advice using video counseling from a licensed therapist. Don't wait out the fifty days thinking that things might work themselves out; they just might not.  

 

Most importantly---DO BE Forgiving. Whether you are married three years or three decades, you must understand and actualize this: Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a decision!

 

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