Couple Didn't Let Early Ruts Throw Marriage Off Course by Dr. Alan Singer

The Home News printed part 2 of my 60th Anniversary interview with the Levys on 04/17/07. See how intuitive they were to spot problems in their marriage early on and how they went about solving them.

Last month, I described the 60-year marriage of the Levys, who shared their pearls of marital wisdom with me. They described how they met, and Leah stressed that spouses should express hurt, not anger. Among Martin's themes were: Don't take your wife for granted, and solve problems that you have with each other before going to sleep.

Our conversation took an interesting turn when Leah explained that she and Martin got married at a young age and that caused problems. Leah: "We had our ups and downs when our two kids were teenagers, so we decided to go to a marriage counselor, and he helped us a great deal. Years ago, you didn't think about divorce, but that's the first thing people do now. I have no idea why; you try to work things out."

Martin said he and Leah have strong characters and neither one backs down easily. They wanted a third party to be involved, and so they saw a marriage counselor for a year to learn ways to get along better. Their two children were happy about the counseling, because it helped the whole family. Martin: "We told our kids that we're having problems understanding one another, but we do not want a divorce and they accepted it." Leah, who still believes that the problems were due to immaturity, commented: "I don't think I handled the stress of family life so well. I had in-law problems, often due to things that I was oversensitive about. Looking back, it was silly, because my husband and I were often arguing about something my in-laws said or did.

When I asked Martin for an example of what caused their in-law-related fights he explained, "My parents lived a block away from us. My mother would watch out the window and tell my daughter Devora to come in and visit on her way home from school. My mother did not have the sense to call my wife, even after two hours went by. Leah would panic justifiably, and scream, "Where is my daughter? Where is my little girl?' "

I asked Martin why he didn't take his mother to task and tell her it was wrong to keep Devora in her home while not informing Leah. Martin: "In my family, if I were to criticize my mother, she would close up and not talk to me for a year, and you could never challenge my father. If you did, he'd cut you off, and stop talking to you. I'd tell Leah to ignore them; this is who they are and you're not going to change them." Leah inserts, "But I tried to change them."

"The most important thing our marriage counselor taught us," explained Leah, "is stick to the subject of your argument, and don't throw in 20 years of old topics. The whole idea of marriage is a partnership. Our counselor told us that there are times when it will be 80/20, and then it will turn around and be 20/80; it's never 50/50. He was a bright and sweet guy."

One last bit of wisdom from the Levys' 60-year marriage that is fundamental to raising children. "Children should be disciplined," Leah emphasizes, "and I don't mean you have to whip them. They must have order in their lives." (Martin inserts that there should be rules and regulations.) "And I know it's hard, but it's very important to sit down and have dinner together, which we did every night. We had discussions at dinner about what was bothering us. Our children could even complain about us, too, as long as it was done respectfully."

The values and wisdom of the Levys continue to be transmitted to the next generation. When their oldest grandson complimented his mother Devora on how supportive she was in resolving a problem that he experienced, he turned to his grandmother Leah and declared, "Why wouldn't my Mom be very helpful, when her mother is such a great mother?"

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer blogs at http://www.familythinking.com/. He is a marriage therapist in Highland Park and can be reached at DrAlanSinger@aol.com.

60 Years of Wisdom in Couple's Advice by Dr. Alan Singer

I can't tell you how inspiring it was to interview the Levys for this essay that was published on 3/21/07 in the Home News Tribune.

To see this essay on the SmartMarriages website click here.

Martin and Leah Levy recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I interviewed them to learn a thing or two. In their home, the photos are grouped demographically. Photos of their children are in one room, photos of their grandchildren are in another, and the great-grandchildren are in a third. Leah is very organized and explains, "My granddaughter told me I am "squared off' because everything goes in an exact place."

I would be doing you a disservice if I paraphrased or interpreted what they said. Instead, I'll just quote the wisdom that comes from the 60-year partnership of this beautiful couple.
Martin and Leah described how they met and dated. Leah: "My mother picked my husband out. After a date, we came home and I'd go to sleep. He would talk to my mother for hours."
Martin: "I would tell Leah's mother everything we did on the date; she was like a mother to me. How many boys have two mothers?"

Leah adds: "My mother knew Martin was the best for me. Now, at my age with my illness, he is the best person that could ever be born. He treats me like gold. When we started out, I took care of him because he worked night and day. Now he cares for me."

Martin describes dating to his grandchildren: "You look someone in the eyes. If someone talks to you and looks you straight in the face, you know that they have a certain amount of honesty. I ask about their mother, their father, how they deal with their grandparents, and I learn about their family attitude. Generally, family matters are a good mark. I want to know if they have a love and closeness to their family, if they honor their grandparents and if they feel that they are special."

Martin told his grandson, "You look for a human being — someone that when you wake up in the morning and you see her disheveled, she still looks beautiful to you. Each morning I wake up and say to my wife, "Good morning, Mrs. Levy' " He told his granddaughter, "One bad thing in the world is that people talk to each other but they're not saying what they really want to say. They talk around the truth because they're hiding their own (Leah inserts: inadequacies). As they talk to each other, they blink their eye, shake their head. Things are bothering them, but they don't say it."

What are the key ingredients of a good marriage? Leah: "When you express anger in a marriage, you're really hurt, not angry. I learned with my husband as we matured, that instead of saying, "I'm angry with you,' I tell him, "You know something? You really hurt me.' When you tell someone you're angry, he gets angry back at you. When you say, "You hurt me,' he asks why and you explain it. Anger is not good."

Leah also stressed the importance of showing appreciation to her husband by preparing for his return from work. "Each night I dressed up like we were going out to dinner," Leah explained. "I combed my hair and put on a nice dress. He came in the door to a nice dinner that I cooked. Martin told me that he could bring any of his co-workers home for dinner without notice, because I would have a meal on the table and look beautiful. It's necessary in a marriage for a woman to show her husband that he's important enough that she prepares for his nightly arrival."

Martin: "The most important thing in marriage is to remember that your wife is a person. Many men take their women for granted. You don't like to be ignored, don't ignore her. Pay attention, and show you're conscious of who she is and that she means a lot to you." Martin concluded, "I tell my grandchildren — you and your spouse are human beings and cannot ignore each other. If you have a problem, tell the other person and never go to sleep unless you solve whatever problem you have, because when you wake up, tomorrow starts a new day."

With such wisdom, I assumed that friends who knew about their anniversary would ask for marriage advice. "Not really," says Martin. "People ask me advice if their air conditioner or heat stops working, because I was in that business for many years."

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer blogs at http://www.familythinking.com/. He is a marriage therapist in Highland Park and can be reached at DrAlanSinger@aol.com.