Forget Big Brother; Your Children Are Most Likely Watching You

Parental estrangement is a miserable topic to be sure, but unfortunately for some, it is a common part of family life. Several weeks ago, I planned to blog about this topic but then I came across a story that made me re-focus my thinking which I described in my monthly Home News Tribune column.

Be sure to read Dr. Woolverton's email to me (below)

Frederick Woolverton’s essay on parental estrangement, The Most Hated Son in the New York Times Magazine, had a deeper message which became apparent to me. In it, he describes his estrangement from his aging mother (now 89) and his efforts to improve their relationship after three decades of silence “before it was too late.”

Woolverton states, “We’d been estranged since I was nineteen, when I made harsh, yet true, statements about the horrors of living with her at the custody trial for my younger sister. My family’s unstated code had been that nobody was allowed to reveal my mother’s alcoholism. She was enraged that I broke the rules of secrecy.” I can only imagine what went through Woolverton’s mind before he testified against his own mother, knowing that she may never speak to him again as a result of his testimony.

What particularly caught my attention in his essay was when Woolverton described a recent trip he took with his daughter to visit his mother and described, “My mother had cut off all my siblings over the years, and my brothers and sister were shocked that I even went to see her, especially because she always hated me the most — even before the divorce trial. I was the smallest, weak and sick as an infant. She once screamed that she’d wanted to let me die, like an injured animal. Did I forgive her? Absolutely not. Would I protect her now, if she needed anything? Yes. On the ride home, my daughter said what my own mother couldn’t: You are a good son.”

In my opinion, that last sentence says a world about parental role modeling. We have all heard people say that their children hear and see everything, or that a particular incident will be permanently embossed on their child’s memory.
But what I think is more important than what a child retains from a singular event, is what she retains from the on-going series of events known as daily family life. As parents, we have opportunities every single day to be good role models, or the opposite. When we make a mistake, we need to admit it, apologize for it and our child will benefit from that experience exponentially. When you least expect it, they will hear you or see you doing something. This applies to both good and bad role modeling.

Woolverton regretted his estrangement from his mother and attempted to make amends. The unexpected byproduct of bringing his daughter along was what his daughter witnessed and the enduring impression it left. He can be comforted by the fact that he likely won’t be transmitting estrangement to future generations by showing his children that even an all but lost relationship, deserves sincere effort and determination.

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley 2011) and is a Marriage Therapist in Highland Park. Please respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com

Dr. Singer,
I read your piece on my visit to my mother and appreciated your understanding and description of my daughter's unexpected part in that visit. What you wrote seemed insightful and very accurate, thank you.

Frederick Woolverton, Ph. D.

The American Dream That Beckons Your Teen; Let It Wait

Bill Doherty, who I cite in this blog every chance I get, raises some terrific questions in his Psychology Today essay on Abby Sunderland, the teenager who sailed around the world. He makes some crucial points about the role of modern parents in how they give guidance and supervision to their children.

When the American dream is calling your child, how do you say no?
How have we allowed our adolescents to become adults and our children to become adolescents?
And how do parents lose their moorings when children profess a dream of competitive success?

Doherty described his own family this way: “Back in the ancient 1980s, before the age of the super child, when my son asked to add a second sport to his schedule, we said sure, if you want to drop the first one. We were not yet burdened by the cultural norm that every child is a bundle of undiscovered potential that parents are responsible to uncover and develop, no matter the cost.

Of course, the young have always had dreams, but we used to think that they should grow up before deciding on which dreams to pursue as part of an adult life. From Abby’s blog: "It has been my dream since I was 13 years old and began single-handing, to one day sail solo around the world. I am 16 years old and this blog will contain the story of my attempt to become the world's youngest solo circumnavigator.” Note the contemporary twist on the familiar round-the-world travel dream: it's to be solo and the youngest in history.

We now know that the human brain does not fully mature until around age 25 on average; that means Abby has 9 years of brain development to look forward to. For now, it's the job of parents to provide the missing prefrontal cortex for their offspring.

Abby's father said: "Sailing and life in general is dangerous. Teenagers drive cars. Does that mean teenagers shouldn't drive a car?” When a parent of a minor child compares a year of solo sailing around the world, including in the South Pacific hurricane season, to driving a car in the neighborhood, it sounds delusional to outsiders. But it feels sane to parents who have been seduced by today's culture of competitive childhood where the dreams of youth distort the judgment of adults. Behind every super child is a supportive but ultimately wimpy parent.

Doherty wisely concludes: “The antidote is simple: let high-achieving children be children first, with time to grow up, and in the meantime let parents be the adults in the family.”

I encourage you to read Doherty’s entire piece by clicking here

Communities Can Become Extended Families

Community means a lot more to family well being than a street address. Community is support, camaraderie, and education. This post, which is my monthly Home News Tribune column is a description of the Gush Etzion communities of Israel, located just south of Jerusalem.

On a recent trip to Israel, I had the opportunity to have coffee with Mr. Shaul Goldstein, who is the mayor of the Gush Etzion Region of Israel. Located just south of Jerusalem, the communities that make up the region are home to over 3700 families. They range from large cities such as Alon Shvut, to Mayor Goldstein’s home town, Neve Daniel, which started with 17 families and now has 400. Mayor Goldstein speaks glowingly of his neighborhood, which is where he was raised and together with his wife of 25 years, they are raising their 7 children here as well. I learned that, not only are these beautiful communities, but nurturing and sharing as though each community is a big family.

When our discussion turned to how communities support couples and families, Mayor Goldstein explained the concept of “chai kehilati” which means community life. “I will give you an example. In one of our towns Karmei Tzur, there are many Peruvian immigrants, but some of them are uncertain of their family roots. So they undergo a mini-conversion to Judaism which requires another Chupah (wedding canopy). Recently, a couple went through that process and the entire wedding ceremony and reception were sponsored by their community. The couple had absolutely no family in Israel and can you believe it? The community decided we are your family now.”

“In the neighboring town of Tekoa, they have a wonderful custom for honoring newlyweds. The town hosts an evening during the week of blessings (Sheva Brachot) that follows the wedding. In the middle of the town, there is a great lawn, and that’s where they make an enormous party. The entire town shows up to dance, sing and wish the new couple well in their life together.”

Mayor Goldstein described the communal gathering that takes place after Sabbath morning services; the Kiddush. “For happy occasions such as a circumcision, naming a baby girl, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you cannot imagine the response of the community in hosting a Kiddush. One family prepares the fruit, another the cakes, another the fish, another the paper goods and it is truly remarkable when the whole town participates in the preparation and then celebrates together.”

He described the intriguing concept of the “Gemach” in each town. It is a Hebrew acronym for doing acts of kindness for others. “Families donate appliances, furniture, even money,” explained Goldstein, “and it is a free loan society which is available to all individuals and families in the town.”
He added, “People really do care about each other here. When you read the weekly Sabbath Newsletter that each community prints, you often see in the back section, this one family wants to thank this other family and you don’t know why, and you don’t ask. The story is private, but the expression of appreciation is public.”

There is also generous support for families when they experience the sad side of life-cycle events. When Mayor Goldstein lost his father several years ago, he spent the week of mourning (shiva) in a small southern Israeli town that had no religious community to speak of. “Requiring ten men to say the daily prayers, dozens of my neighbors came before work each morning to make the quorum and again late in the day for the afternoon and evening prayers.” He remembers how many neighbors drove over an hour in each direction on each day of Shiva so that he could say the Kaddish (memorial prayer). “That is what I call community support. I was so touched by their efforts on my behalf.”

There is much that we can learn from these communities about acts of kindness in our own neighborhoods and within our own extended families. To participate in the remarkable projects of the Gush Etzion Foundation please visit www.gush-etzion.org.il

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com

"Good Enough" Marriages Suit Children Just Fine

What is a "good-enough" marriage?
And why is Booth and Amato's 1997 finding, that 2/3 of divorces end "good-enough" not high-conflict marriages, so significant?

Elizabeth Marquardt wrote an excellent piece for the Huffington Post. Here are some excerpts:

"We disagree about a lot of things. Sometimes I think our kids would be better off if we both moved on."

"I've been researching and writing about children of divorce for a decade and I've heard these sentiments over and over. These parents not divorced yet, but they're thinking about it. They're raising children, struggling to make the mortgage payment and pay the babysitter, hoping to get ahead. Meanwhile, their marriage isn't what it used to be. Those pre-kid days of hanging out with friends seem the stuff of dreams now. Talking is mainly about negotiating schedules and money. Weekends are busy getting caught up from weekdays. Is this what marriage is all about? Do the kids really need this?

In a word, yes. Some marriages are plagued by such serious problems -- such as addiction, chronic infidelity, or violence -- that divorce might well be warranted. But social science research shows that about two-thirds of marriages that end in divorce are low conflict. These marriages may feel troubled to the one or both of the spouses, but they are not struggling with the kinds of serious or frequent conflict many imagine when they picture a marriage on the rocks.

It is these marriages -- what some call "good enough" marriages -- that matter so much. To any still-married parent who is considering divorce who may be reading this, I want to affirm that your "good enough" marriage is doing a world of good for your kids. By sticking with -- and working on and believing in -- your "good enough" marriage, you are sustaining one world for your child. You are affirming that the rough and sometimes not-pretty job of holding together one family belongs to you and your spouse, not your child."

The Parenting Hall of Shame

Children are special treasures that are entrusted to us to protect. Particularly in the summer, I spot safety risks for children that land parents in the Hall of Shame.
Here is my monthly parenting column from the Home News Tribune.

Each summer I inevitably observe parenting behavior that appalls but not necessarily surprises me. I often say, if there were such a thing as a parenting license, these folks should have theirs revoked.

The first incident took place on my own street, when an SUV driven by an adult cruised by with his sun-roof wide open. An 8 or 9 year old boy was standing up in the sunroof, and waving to passers-by. I cringed and hoped that an Edison patrol car would soon be turning our corner and issue a summons to this driver.

The second incident took place on the West-bound train platform at Metropark. I looked across the tracks to see a little two-year-old girl running back and forth between what appeared to be her parents, standing several yards apart from each other. It appeared that she was enjoying her freedom as she ran back and forth with Amtrak Acela trains speeding by at 100 mph. Having grown up with a mother that had a “death grip” on my hand when crossing busy streets, again I cringed at this irresponsible behavior.

The third incident took place on a recent trip to Florida and although it did not involve safety, it tops my list of bad parenting behavior nonetheless. Near Boca Raton there is a water park named SKIRIXEN. The brochure states: direct from Europe to Florida comes one of America’s first cable water-ski resorts. Imagine waterskiing and wake-boarding with no boat, just an overhead cable to pull you. When the advertisement says, no boat hassles, I can personally vouch for the fact that there is no family recreational activity that is more stressful and has more yelling than renting a boat, equipment, and waterskiing.

I watched the safety video and got the explanation of rules with a group of youths who were all 1/4 my age. A young girl of about 13 years old was standing on the line in front of me, ready to go into the lake but looking hesitant and her father was standing nearby not going in himself. He was yelling at her, “You better go in after all the driving I did to get you here.” Her red face revealed not only embarrassment at her father’s tirade but the fear of a child who clearly did not want to do this activity.

After a lifetime of waterskiing experience, even I was feeling a bit uneasy, since this cable system involves being yanked onto the lake at 18 miles an hour, as opposed to a boat’s pull which gradually increases. It was reasonable for her to be nervous. Incidentally, safety rule #1 at SKIRIXEN: if you fall, look behind you fast to make sure the next skier sees you and avoids running you over.

The father then berated his fear-stricken teen-ager, “I paid $25 damn bucks (expletive toned down by author) for you to try this sport so you better get the hell out there and do it right now!” Although I was disgusted, I have been told on more than one occasion to mind my own business, so I write about incidents in my column rather than confront the guilty party face-to-face. Here are the four violations I would give this dad if I could suspend his parenting license:

#1 – Use of foul language in the presence of a minor
#2 – Speaking in a demeaning and angry tone in public
#3 – Forcing a child to do something she fears
#4 – Making $25 more valuable than his child’s emotional well-being

If I would have spoken to this man, I would have suggested that he forfeit the $25 and thereby gain his child’s respect and trust. He would have then topped the list of his daughter’s role models, rather than the Parenting Hall of Shame.

Be Counted columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column via his website www.FamilyThinking.com