Safe Relationships Facilitate Family Well-Being

Hollywood has led us to believe that the fundamentals of a good marriage are: love, passion, infatuation, romance, and chemistry. In my professional opinion, those are the tier two fundamentals. The vital tier one fundamentals are: respect, empathy, friendship, forgiveness, trust, and safety, which is the focus of this essay.

www.Shalomtaskforce.org

Back in the early days of domestic violence awareness and prevention, safety in relationships meant there would be no physical abuse. I had the honor of serving as executive director of Shalom Task Force (STF) for three years. The mission of STF is to combat and prevent domestic violence and foster healthy and safe relationships in families. It is a blessing that from 1994 to 2012 the rate of domestic violence declined by 63% in the United States. Sadly however, according to the CDC, one in four women and one in seven men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lifetime. While most events are relatively minor (i.e. grabbing, shoving, pushing) there are tragically fatal injuries as well.

Early in the DV prevention movement, domestic violence referred only to physical abuse and was defined as any intentional act which causes or threatens injury or trauma to another person by way of direct contact. STF brought attention to three additional types of abuse: 1. verbal and psychological abuse – using words to control, devalue, insult, or criticize another person including yelling and humiliating, which destroys the self-confidence of the victim. 2. Emotional - mistreating a person through use of words or gestures aimed at affecting a victim's self-esteem and frightening and isolating them.

3. Financial abuse is using power to control a partner by withholding money. Examples include restricting access to bank accounts and threatening to withhold money if a partner leaves the abusive relationship.

Digital Abuse

In recent years, STF added several more categories of abuse to raise awareness for the general public. Digital abuse is the use of technology assert control and manipulation by stalking, intimidating, bullying, or controlling a person via a social networking platform. Examples of this include stealing a person's digital passwords, threatening to post inappropriate photos on social media, or mocking on social media.

In recent years, abusers have used apps on their smartphones that are connected to internet-enabled devices in their homes. These apps remotely control everyday objects in the home. These can be used to watch and listen in or just to scare and show power. Even after the partner leaves the home, the devices often remain and continued to be used to intimidate and confuse the remaining parties. Examples of this include a woman who turned her air conditioning to a cool setting, only to find it switched off in the middle of the night for no reason. Another victim said that the code numbers on the digital lock on her front door changed daily and she couldn't get into her house. A third victim told an abuse hotline that she kept hearing the doorbell ring at all hours of the night and no one was there (NY Times 6-23-18).

Religious and Spiritual Abuse

This category involves the practice of someone in a dominant position creating a toxic culture using the bible or religion to control, harass, ridicule, shame, or intimidate another, preventing the partner from practicing their religious beliefs, or using their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them.

Sexual Abuse: any sexual act or unwanted touch performed without a partner's consent. This includes forcing a partner to send sexually explicit photos or distributing sexually explicit images of one’s partner.

Immigration Abuse: abusers exert power and control over their victims because of their immigration status such as preventing the victim from learning English or communicating with family and friends. Intimidation includes destroying legal documents needed in the U.S. such as passports. Economic abuse - getting the victim fired from their job by falsely reporting that the victim is undocumented.

                                University of Denver’s Four Safeties 

Dr. Scott Stanley, a research professor at the University of Denver, conducts studies on marriage and romantic relationships and develops materials that help people in their relationships. Together with colleagues H. Markman and N. Jenkins, he heads up the team at the renowned PREP (Prevention and Relationship Education Program) which produces materials used in pre-marital and relationship education.

Dr. Stanley and colleagues have delineated four primary areas of safety that are necessary in a healthy relationship. 1. Physical Safety is the bedrock requirement for a healthy marriage. There should be no threat of being physically harmed, nor should either spouse be physically or emotionally intimidated by the other. Domestic violence experts agree that fear of being hurt or controlled by one's spouse or fear that others will be hurt is a red flag in a relationship. The most dangerous patterns involve aggression that leads to injuries and/or ongoing control and intimidation. 

2. Emotional Safety: the comfort to be oneself and feel connected to their spouse. When this is present in a relationship, each spouse can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection. Scores of studies document that those couples who struggle in marriage and are most likely to divorce, are those who have more frequent and intense conflicts. ‎It is fairly easy to recognize when an argument is escalating or when one spouse is demeaning or showing contempt for the other. It becomes more complex when those patterns wear away at what people deeply desire in marriage. Emotional Safety: being able to be yourself and feel connected to your spouse. When a couple has this, each spouse can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection.  

Commitment Safety should also be prioritized.

Couples in thriving healthy marriages do not merely have a solid day-to-day connection. They share an abiding sense of having a future together, a sense that provides a secure attachment that is beneficial for spouses and for children. Security about the future is crucial because most people do not invest in something, whether a financial asset or a relationship, without some reasonable confidence in its ability to last.

Community Safety unlike the above three, is not in the sole control of the couple. Rather, it refers to the context of the marriage. Is the environment safe? Are there sufficient resources? Jobs? Healthcare? Is there stress from poverty or anxiety about crime? Are transportation and healthy food accessible? These are far from academic questions for many families and they highlight how important context is for marital health. Think of a couple like a plant. All other things being
equal, the plant with better soil, nutrients, and mix of rain and moisture...thrives!  Shalom Task Force Hotline: 718 337-3700. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800 799-7233.

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New York and New Jersey since 1980, with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He serves as an Adjunct Professor for the Touro University Graduate School of Social Work. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All counseling sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage.  dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707 

My Fear That You Won’t Seek Help for Estrangement

                Estrangement is commonly defined as the intentional choice by one or more relatives to end contact because of an ongoing negative relationship. Primarily based on emotions, not facts, estrangement can bring unimaginable heartbreak to families.  

I implore you to seek help if the above describes you, as the numbers are staggering. Twenty-seven percent of Americans eighteen and older have cut off contact with a family member: 10% parent/child, 8% siblings, 9% extended family (i.e. grandparents and cousins).  

A woman living in the Midwest has not spoken to her son and his wife for seven years because she asked her daughter-in-law to bring a specific dessert to a family gathering. The daughter-in-law deliberately brought the same one that the woman had baked. The mother-in-law interpreted the dessert as a symbol of total disrespect (Catherine St Louis, Dec. 2017). 

Another story describes denying access to grandchildren reflecting estrangement from adult children who act as the gate-keeper “middle” generation. Dr. Pat Hanson had been seeing her granddaughter monthly until she was four years old, when her mother separated from Dr. Hanson's son. The mother halted visitation and stopped answering phone calls. Dr. Hanson does not even know their address. She has composed hundreds of letters to her granddaughter (now seventeen), and they are kept in a wooden box. She holds on to the hope that "One day she will want to search for her roots and will look me up" (Paula Span, July 2020).  

Are these cut-offs driven by the expectation that parents, not children are primarily responsible for maintaining the parent-child relationship? Perhaps. Some of the stressful experiences and circumstances that contribute to parent-child estrangement include: psychological abuse/neglect, poor parenting, betrayal, parental incarceration, drug abuse, disagreements, politics, and matters relating to business, inheritance, and money. Other factors include: feeling a lack of support, acceptance, or love from the estranged family member. Sometimes there are differences in values and the feeling that a family member’s behavior is toxic (Lucy Blake 2017).     

Cornell Sociologist Dr. Karl Pillemer adds these pathways to estrangement: harsh parenting, parental favoritism, and parental divorce. Another discovery of Pillemer is that long simmering family feuds may culminate in a "volcanic event". Often when this occurs, one family member declares "I'm done.” People who are estranged feel deep sadness and long for reconnection. Oh, how they wish they could turn back the clock and act differently to prevent a rift. 

Desperately, parents try to maintain contact by making phone calls that are not answered and sending letters, texts, and emails that are ignored. Cards and gifts that are sent for life cycle events are returned to the sender unopened. A common theme for both parents and adult children is loss. Parents lose their voice as they cannot apologize and try to make things right or find out why the estrangement happened in the first place. Adult children feel the loss of family and miss the emotional, financial, and practical support.  

Why try counseling with a licensed therapist? For starters, if you currently have no relationship whatsoever with a given family member, and the goal is to regain “some type of connection”, go for it. The goal is not "all is forgiven"; whatever steps you take to forgive will lift a burden from your shoulders. Dr. Janis Spring explains there are degrees of forgiveness; it is not a black or white decision.   

One goal is to take positive steps toward opening a line of communication. Here is the model that I use when coordinating reconciliation for family estrangement. I firmly establish with the family members that my office is a blame-free zone and a shame-free zone. Anyone who makes disparaging comments or raises their voice will be muted on the Zoom call. Repeat offenders will be placed back in the Zoom waiting room until they calm down. 

Next, I use the principles of Discernment Counseling, which combine solo time with joint-session time. The primary goal is not to fix the issues, but rather to determine if the issues are fixable. I suggest to the person who calls me that they should reach out to their estranged family member with this message: "I’m inviting you to explore the idea of opening communication between us with Dr. Singer acting as a moderator to create a safe space and I will pay for the session. Can the three of us meet via ZOOM and talk about positive change?"

In sessions, I do my best to offer practical advice. I suggest to family members that they should not expect their relative to change to meet their expectations. It is their expectations that may need to change.  

Pillemer believes that time spent waiting for an apology is time that is wasted. He concludes: "Focus on building a new future that can eclipse the past!" Those who are able to reconcile have one main strategy: to abandon the need for the estranged relative to accept their version of the past and apologize. They focus on the present and future of the relationship. They adopt realistic expectations about the other person rather than trying to change them. Reconcilers come to understand their own role, i.e. engaging in self-examination about their own level of responsibility.   

Even unsuccessful attempts to reconcile sometimes lead to greater peace of mind. How so? According to Dr. Pillemer, most individuals felt much better after the reconciliation even if it was not perfect. There was a sense that it might be difficult, but they weren't carrying that "backpack" around anymore; a substantial weight was lifted off their shoulders.  

The Prophet Malachi (3:23) best expresses the hopes of Israel: “Behold, I will send you Elijah the Prophet before the coming of the great and awesome day of God. And he shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents.”

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in NJ & NY since 1980 with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, is a Certified Discernment Counselor, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

Dr. Alan Singer Achieves Certification As a Discernment Counselor

Discernment counseling is a protocol for treating mixed-agenda couples where one is leaning out of the relationship and is reluctant to work on it in therapy, and the other wants to save the relationship. Studies suggest that as many of 30% of couples presenting for couples therapy fall into the mixed-agenda category, and they present a significant challenge for couple’s therapists because our models assume a basic willingness to try therapy and to stay in the relationship for the time being. Discernment counseling is intended for couples who once made a lifetime commitment, whether legally married or not. It’s not for couples considering whether to commit.

Goal: greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about the future of their marriage, based on a deeper understanding of what’s happened to their marriage and each person’s contributions to the problems.

2. A clear distinction between discernment counseling and couples therapy. No couple interventions occur in discernment counseling and no experiential enactments during sessions. The “deeper” work occurs during one-to-one conversations with each partner.

3. Distinctive structure: • Short term: 1-5 sessions. Preferably weekly. A decision made each time whether to meet again. • Two hour opening session. 1.5 hour follow up sessions. Both partners come for all sessions. • Session flow: first part with the couple, then separate conversations with each partner followed by a brief sharing of something learned during the individual time, and then couple together at the end. Confidentiality guideline for individual conversation: the discernment counselor does not share the specifics of what each spouse says, but is free to share impressions and reactions to each spouse when talking to the other. • Insist that both spouses come for each session, even though they each spend part of the session in the waiting room.

4. Focus on decision making about three paths: the marriage as it has been (path one), separation/ divorce (path two), or a six month reconciliation period with an all-out effort in couples therapy (and using other resources), with divorce off the table—and then a decision about the long term future (path three)

5. Use different approaches with leaning in and leaning out partners • Leaning out: Help them make a decision based on more a complex understanding of the marriage and their own role in its problems and potential future • Leaning in: Help them bring best self to the crisis, not make things worse, get what the other spouse is saying, and work on self. 

6. Outcomes: Path three: launching couples therapy (usually but not always with the discernment counselor); Path two: move towards divorce; or Path one: stay on hold for now—neither divorce nor start couples therapy 

7. Study of 100 consecutive discernment counseling cases: 48% chose path three, 42% path two, 12% path one. About 40% of the total sample were still married two years after discernment counseling. Ref. Doherty, Harris, & Wilde (2016)

 

 

Marital Survival Guide (by the letters) Second Installment

Following my first essay on AISH.com, I received several requests for a continuation of the alphabet. Below are the E, F, G, and H of the fifty day Marital Survival Guide. Your comments are greatly appreciated. 

E

Empathy:    It is normal to want to help your spouse soothe when they are upset. Telling them to “calm down” doesn’t work. It is simply another way of conveying that you feel they are overreacting. Dr. John Mordechai Gottman suggests that the goal is not to try to fix your spouse's feelings but to communicate that you understand and accept them. This is empathy.    

Ears:     There is a well-known question: Why did God give us two ears and one mouth? The answer: so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. Here is sound advice for productive conversations: be interested, not interesting.  

Easy:    Men, do you want to make regular deposits in the Care Bank? Ask your wife each morning what you can do to make her day easier.

Eliminate    the “D” word entirely from your discussions and disagreements. Why? It is like hitting the reset button and waiting for your computer to slowly reboot. With all couples on-the-brink who come to see me for counseling, I ask them to commit to two or three months of weekly therapy sessions - with the D word completely off the table. Otherwise, progress is nearly impossible.  

Enforce     a no-phone zone at family meals. Researchers found evidence that mobile phones have negative effects on closeness, connection, and conversation quality. (See G section below _ Google) Przybylski and Weinstein, May 6, 2013.   

Engage       the services of a qualified pro-marriage therapist earlier than the norm of two years that most couples wait before seeking professional help. Why pro-marriage? Because some therapists will proudly proclaim, "I'm not about saving marriages, I'm about helping people".  My slogan is the opposite:  “I'll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage".  

 F

Failed Bids:    What do couples argue about most often? Nothing. It turns out that most arguments are not about topics; they are about failed bids to connect. That’s fancy wording for "nothing" says Gottman as illustrated in this example using the television remote control. The husband is changing channels on the remote as they’re watching television together on the couch. The wife says, “leave it on that channel.” The husband responds, “I will, but let me just see what else is on.” She counters “no----leave it on that channel.” He says, “Fine!” Finally she declares...”Well the way that you said "fine" hurt my feelings.” He effectively ends the discussion by retorting, “I don't even want to watch television with you now.” What was this couple arguing about? Nothing, or like stated above, failed bids to connect.

Family:    The greatest danger of having a child-centered family is that when the children leave home, often the marriage does too. Empty nesters know this well. Second is the danger that even if the couple stays together after the children leave home, they may feel diminished as a couple. One couple that I counsel told their adult children "We were a great mom-dad team but a lousy husband-wife team." The third danger is benign but still regrettable. Some couples work on fixing their marriage after the children leave home and make significant progress. This is positive but sad for two reasons: many years of unmet marital potential, and even more important is the lack of good marital role models for their children (Dr. Bill Doherty).   

Father:     The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother (Theodore Newburgh).   

Feeling:     You are not going to feel "in love" all the time. If you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving (Dr. Frank Pittman obm).   

Forgive:     You hear the phrase forgive and forget so often that the two become equated with one another, when in fact, they have nothing to do with each other. Just because you have forgiven someone and given up the desire to take revenge, does not mean that you have forgotten the event ever happened (Michelle W. Davis).  The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong (Mahatma Gandhi).  

Friendship:     This is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust (Oxford Dictionary). Friendship is an infinitely more stabilizing basis for marriage then romance. Get good at friendship before you even think about falling in love (Pittman).  

                                                                     G

Gaze:     Men and women tend to experience intimacy differently according to Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Women experience intimacy from face-to-face contact; they use the "anchoring gaze". This comes from thousands of years of mothers holding their babies in front of their face. Women tend to draw closer, face each other, lock eyes, and proceed to reveal their hopes, worries, and details of their lives. Men are not going to look deeply into another's eyes because this is foreign to them. Men experience intimacy by working or gaming side-by-side. This male approach to intimacy probably also dates back thousands of years. Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the prairies in hopes of killing a passing buffalo in order to provide food for several families. Fisher suggests that in order to build intimacy with a man, a woman should do things with him that are side-by-side so that he isn't threatened by her gaze.  

Grand:       Gestures like diamond rings and weekends in the Caribbean are not as effective as smaller daily gestures.  

Gradual     is the key to successful change. Drastic change like huge swings of a pendulum tend not to be enduring.   

Grammar:     Surprisingly, correcting your spouse's grammar in the middle of a disagreement, can be considered contempt which is the most harmful form of communication. Who’d have thunk it?

Grudge Bearing:      Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski heard this at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and it helped him to rid himself of resentment. “Harboring resentment is like allowing someone you don't like to live inside your head without pay rent....and I'm not that nice a guy.”  

Google "phubbing definition" and pay attention to what you find.  

H

Happiness:     The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything (Old Adage).  

Marriage     is not supposed to make you happy; it is supposed to make you married. And once you are safely and totally married, then you have a structure of security and support from which you are free to make yourself happy rather than wasting your adulthood looking for structure (Pittman).  

Holler:      I never met a woman yet who wants her husband to raise his voice to her. It is contemptuous because the husband feels and acts superior. It is putting oneself on a higher plane looking down from a position of authority, with an attitude of I am better/ smarter/ neater/ more punctual than you. Gottman asserts that contempt is the single best predictor of relationship dissolution. It is for this reason that I give every husband who I counsel permission to yell only these three words at his wife (when applicable) “Fire-Get-Out!”

Hope:  Think hopeful      Speak hopeful   Act hopeful

Rabbi Yissocher Frand explains that "despair" is indeed a grave sin. According to the legendary Chassidic master Rabbi Aharon Karliner, it is the most destructive of all sins, because when hope is lost, all is lost. 

Be hopeful that all your efforts at nurturing your marriage will bring you true and lasting Shalom Bayis.  

Your Fifty Day Marital Survival Guide by Dr. Alan Singer

 

Join me in taking an aggressive approach to saving marriages during this seemingly endless coronavirus pandemic. Many U.S. scientists believe that the peak has passed and in fifty days our lives should significantly improve. Fact? No. But whatever we’re short with facts, let’s make up for in optimism. There are no assurances about when social distancing will end. 

 

Our collective loss of control escalates our anxiety level. Heightened anxiety fans the sparks of disagreement and can magnify them into full scale arguments. One of the couples that I counsel commented, "Fifty more days...it will be a miracle if our marriage last fifty more minutes!"

 

Rest assured that if you threaten divorce (or actually initiate divorce steps) in the midst of this tragic pandemic, you will most likely regret it down the road. Blow off some steam by doubling your exercise regimen on the step-master, not by abruptly reversing the most important decision of your life - your marital commitment. Here it is, short and blunt: the ABC's of sustaining your marriage for the next fifty days. 

 

Ø > > A < < <

 

Avoid judgmental questions and harsh start-ups effective today.

Here is a neutral question: Debbie what time is it?

Here is a judgmental question: Is this how much coffee you normally drink at work? The difference is clear. Maintain some distance between you and your spouse during work hours and avoid snooping around or being nosey.  

 

Avoid “you” statements because they evoke defensiveness. Use “I” statements because they evoke empathy.  

Try this: I am overwhelmed and can use your help now. 

Not this: You never lift a finger to help me.  

 

Use A soft start-up like this: I feel like I've been stuck in the kitchen alone all week rather than a harsh and judgmental one such as: I'd faint if you ever helped me make dinner.   

 

Avoid disagreement escalation. Use repair attempts such as "Wait, let me rephrase that." Dr. Eileen Feliciano wisely suggests, "Don't show up at every argument that you are invited to".  

 

A winning rule of thumb: If your goal is family well-being in a respectful partnership, then before you say or do something to your spouse ask yourself, is what I am about to say or do going to bring me closer or further from my goal? If further---STOP Yourself (Michelle Weiner Davis).  

 

Ø > > B < < <

 

Be the first to use these three words and use them liberally: Appreciation – Affection – Admiration. These words are a win-win for marriage.  

 

B is for respecting boundaries and one another’s space. Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher suggested last week "Creating a safe space can help people to feel in control so they feel happy instead of helpless...or even hostile" (NY Times 4-13-20). Another superb Fisher-ism is: Don't invoke the golden rule (Do unto Others) rather use the platinum rule---Do unto your spouse as she wants to have done for her.  

 

Space is more than just having elbow room. "Space and privacy have emerged as a class divide; more valuable than ever to those who have it and potentially fatal to those who don't (NY Times 4-13-20).   

 

The final B is to give your spouse the Benefit of the doubt.  Whether you call it "money in your emotional bank account" or "positive sentiment override" (Dr. John Gottman) your go-to position needs to be: My spouse means well; these are dreadful circumstances that we are in together. They’re not mean intentions.  

 

Ø > > C < < <

 

I am calling for a fifty day moratorium on Criticism of each other's character! We must stop ourselves. If you have a complaint about a specific behavior of your spouse, state that simply and civilly.  

Say this: We need to work together for thirty minutes daily to keep order here. 

Not this: I never realized how big a slob you are. 

 

Commit yourselves and your children to a daily routine.  

 

Commit yourselves to the triangle of health----Sleep-Nutrition-Exercise. 

These aren't suggestions...they are essential!

 

Couples don’t need to think alike…but they need to think together (R. Ralph Pelcovitz, obm).

Ø > > D < < <  

 

Decide that you will put meaningful effort into your marriage and keep the “D” word off the table and out of any conversations. Now is the time to protect your marriage; there will be plenty of time later if you choose the “D” route. 

 

Do the best that you can; Don't keep score.

 

Don't institute or eliminate any major rules especially with children.  

 

Don't make any major decisions especially something as substantial as whether or not to have another child in the future.  

 

Do seek out professional marital advice using video counseling from a licensed therapist. Don't wait out the fifty days thinking that things might work themselves out; they just might not.  

 

Most importantly---DO BE Forgiving. Whether you are married three years or three decades, you must understand and actualize this: Forgiveness is not a feeling - it is a decision!

 

###