Family: Does Size Matter?

Welcome to the first Family Size Blog Carnival!

This post was written for inclusion in the Family Size Blog Carnival hosted by Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling and Patti at Jazzy Mama. Today our participants share their decisions on family size and whether or not to grow their families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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One of the most important questions I ask couples who see me for marital therapy is how many children they plan on having. I ask it because I worry that if they have problems with their marriage or children the last thing they need now is more children. I firmly believe that incorrect family-size decisions are contributing to the astronomical divorce rate in this country.

During the last forty years, a multitude of social science researchers have shown a strong correlation between children and marital satisfaction. It is, by definition, a negative correlation: with the arrival of each child, marital satisfaction decreases. If marital satisfaction continues to decline, couples may end up with the perfect family size but will have a perfectly lousy marriage. Their perfect family won’t remain that way if problems related to the number of children end their marriage.

Here is my contribution to the research on family size: I studied the responses of two groups of individuals in two New Jersey counties who responded to an anonymous survey. Half of the respondents were therapists by design. I listed biased statements, such as “children from small families tend to be more intelligent.” I hypothesized that gender, level of education, religion, or income level of the respondent might have something to do with how they answered the questions in the survey. I was wrong. The most significant characteristics of the respondents are:

1. The number of children a respondent currently.
2. The number of children in a respondent’s family of origin.

For much of my professional career, I have heard many young couples make seemingly innocuous statements such as, “I grew up in a home with three children, so we’re going to have three kids.” Can you please explain that reasoning to me? My own research has shown that on average, people tend to have the same number of children as their family of origin. Yet, I still consider it a poor reason to have another child.

Before marriage, couples need to be of one mind in only one aspect of the family-size decision and that is that they both desire to have at least one child. Deciding the total number of children you want at the start of your relationship is a waste of your time. Deliberating the ideal number of children in a family is also a waste of your time. Deciding if you are both now ready to have a child or have another child is the best use of your time. And what’s the perfect number of children? My response: as many or as few, as long as you think it through.

I plead with couples: Don’t be coerced or guilted into having another child. The only good reason to have another child is that you both truly love the child you have, you love being parents, and regardless of gender, you both want another child.

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Visit City Kids Homeschooling and Jazzy Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Family Size Blog Carnival!

Please take some time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants below:

• The Perfect Family The family at Living Peacefully With Children isn't perfect, but the size is just right for them...at least for now.


• Family Size Carnival Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses how she loves the extremes of being happily child-free for life to being a mom of several. And on knowing when her family is just the right size.


• Is Adoption for Me? Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares why she would consider adoption as the socially responsible way to have a large family.


• Getting Used to Having Kids Lauren at Hobo Mama went from "probably one, maybe two" to wanting a handful, but not without some major struggles and soul searching along the way.


• Magic Number For a while, Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales has wondered what the magic number will be for their family, but now thinks she's finally settled on an answer.


• How Did You Get That Size Jorje explains how she "chose" her family size and why they aren't planning to grow again on Momma Jorje.com.


• Family Size On A Per Kid Basis Sarah at Parenting God's Children shares how plans change as families grow.


• More Babies: How, When, Why Joella at Fine and Fair writes to her daughter about when, how, and why she might get a sibling.


• Family Size Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she has no idea what size her family will end up being; though she used to be sure, a few factors have recently come up to change everything.


• Thy Will Be Done CatholicMommy hasn't decided how many children she'll have. And she never will. Because, you know, she's Catholic.


• Sanity and Health Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment talks about sanity and health considerations when deciding on her family's size.


• Love Comes In All Sizes Melissa at Mothers of Change shares her family's journey to becoming a family of six!


• Family Size Liz at Homeschooling in Buffalo discusses how this carnival occurs less than two weeks after "closing up shop" by way of vasectomy.


• Family Size Blog Carnival Billy, a single mother by choice, writes about the size of her family at My Pathway to Motherhood.


• Creating Your Perfect Family Size Dr. Alan Singer shares insights from his new book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size.


• Our Family Size You might not be surprised to learn that Patti at Jazzy Mama can't find any reasons NOT to have more babies.


• Economics of Family Size Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling uses an economic cost-benefit analysis to determine her family's optimal size.

Ferris_Wheel Relationship Can Doom Your Marriage

Do the ups and downs of your marriage feel like an amusement park ride?
Does this unending relationship cycle ring a bell: Trouble Begins > Meltdown > Silent Treatment > Cooling Off > Conversation Restarts > Back to So-Called “Normal”.

When I counsel couples who fit this profile, I label the pattern: a Ferris_Wheel Relationship. The biggest problem is that a seemingly benign cyclical pattern may, in fact, be on the precipice of a disaster. After the silent treatment, nothing substantial ever changes and most couples simply resume their lives in order to achieve a modicum of normalcy. In this column, I will describe the biggest danger that I see with this quite non-amusing ride and provide four steps for couples to utilize in remedying this type of relationship.

The Cycle
The Ferris_Wheel Relationship is no stranger in my three decades of counseling couples. An outsider might observe the ups and downs and quip….no relationship is perfect; if they stayed together for all these years, then it must work for them. But that is simply not true and this uninterrupted pattern of ups and downs can be catastrophic to a marriage. The main reason is that one spouse, feeling trapped by the cycle, often secretly plans an exit strategy from the Ferris wheel. Benchmarks in life that motivate spouses to plan their exit include: the transition to empty nesting and stay-at-home Moms who return to the workplace.

Don’t be complacent and think: what comes down will always go up. When the surprised spouse (often the husband) hears “I want out”, he may scramble (trying to use marriage counseling) to repair the damage done but it is often too little and too late. Researchers have shown that two thirds of divorcing couples do not receive even one hour of counseling.

The Repair Strategy
What should couples do if their relationship is spinning like a Ferris_Wheel? And when is the best time in the cycle to strive for a change? The Ferris_Wheel analogy provides these answers. When you’re on top of the ride (for obvious reasons) no one exits or enters. But alas, when you are on the bottom, that’s your opportunity. It’s a win-win strategy because things can’t get any worse.

Unlike a Ferris_Wheel, where you discharge and admit passengers, in a relationship, you have the chance to discharge some harmful habits and welcome aboard some constructive ones. Please heed this warning: when you hit bottom…..you must change something! No one seeks out a marriage therapist when you’re riding on top of the world, because who wants to dredge up painful feelings? People don’t do much soul-searching or self-improvement when things are just peachy.

Each time the Ferris_Wheel spins around and nothing changes is a missed opportunity. You never know how many chances you’ll get before your spouse takes action to free him/herself from the unrelenting ups and downs of the spinning wheel. One of the techniques I utilize in therapy sessions with these couples is the Marital Dyad Exercise. Each spouse lists what they like about themselves and don’t want to change and what they don’t like and do want to change. They then do it for their spouse. Predictably, the longest lists are…..things that I like about me and don’t want to change and things I don’t like about my spouse that I want him/her to change. Does it surprise you that we tend to be so self-absorbed?

When I advocate that rock bottom is the ideal time for changing something, I am recommending that you pick something you like about yourself and don’t want to change but your spouse doesn’t like and wants you to change……and start the conversation with each other. There is no fast track solution for couples who have circled in the Ferris_Wheel for years. Round and round they go….often not realizing that they have an ominous problem, but also the potential to improve their relationship. Take baby steps at first; large swings of the pendulum are too short-lived and ineffective. Seize the moment at rock bottom to try something different. Do it for your own mental and physical health; for the health of your relationship, and if you have children, especially for them.

Four Steps to Remedy the Ferris_Wheel Relationship
1. Identify this unending relationship cycle and recognize its potential harm.
2. Formulate a repair strategy instead of an escape plan.
3. Get a marriage-friendly therapist involved early on. Two thirds of divorcing couples did not receive even one hour of marital counseling.
4. When you’re at the lowest point and hit rock bottom…CHANGE SOMETHING. Discharge one bad habit and bring one good habit on board.

Insensitive Research ? Video #11

Research is research....no? If it's valid and reliable, it should be quotable....right? Does it also need to be "sensitive" to its readership?

The diversity of the new American family means that less than half of U.S. families are now headed by a married couple. I was shocked when my publisher required me to remove this irrefutable research finding: "The best environment in which to raise children is two biological parents in a low conflict marriage."

He felt that since most American families are no longer headed by married couples, I needed to be sensitive to the family size needs of the majority of my potential readers. And so I removed that research finding from the final draft of Creating Your Perfect Family Size.

Rutgers Daily Targum Cites Falling U.S. Birthrate

What I liked best about my interview with contributing writer Rebecca Welsh, was the rapid fire nature of her questions. She had prepared what seemed like 20 questions, each one expanding on the previous and in sequence. I remember reading the Targum regularly during my 13 year stint at the Rutgers PhD in Social Work program.

Here is the quote from PR Web that caught Rebecca's attention: “Splendid” may seem like a strange reaction to the falling U.S. Birthrate caused by this recession, but that is precisely Dr. Alan Singer’s reaction. “I’m not happy there are less babies,” insists Singer, “I am happy that parents are making careful family size decisions in tough economic times.”

Here is the link for Rebecca's excellent article.

"The Price of Progeny" Superbly Connects Family Size With Family Well Being

Robin Schwartz is not only a talented TV anchor for Fox in Detroit, she is also a skilled free-lance writer for Red Thread, which is the monthly magazine of the Detroit Jewish News.

Click here to read her excellent piece on Family Size Decisions which cites my book.

She brings a deeply personal perspective to the discussion of family size decisions. Click here to watch her own family struggle with infertility that won her a well-deserved Emmy award. She spent long hours on the interview, writing, and editing of this essay. Then the Red Thread graphics department spun their magic and the end result is a superb article....THANK YOU Robin!