Here is my letter to the New York Times re Peggy Orenstein's recent article. Click here to read the article.
Peggy Orenstein's "In Vitro We Trust" was well written and she is correct: the 3 million babies born worldwide via IVF are a miracle. But, can't we call a spade a spade? IVF is not the solution to a long standing medical challenge like diabetes or heart disease. IVF is one solution to the growing trend of infertility which is a consequence of intentionally delaying childbearing in the last 3 decades. Many couples, who use IVF, chose to delay childbearing for their own convenience.
As marriages are delayed, so are children, which results in significantly more multiple births as well as pre-term babies. While lauding IVF as a miracle, can't we also remind couples that decisions have consequences that can be heart-breaking? Just because a breakthrough is discovered, doesn't mean that we should become more dependent on it, considering its huge emotional and financial toll.
Dr. Alan Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Nine Couples Share Secrets to a Lasting Marriage by Dr. Alan Singer
Here is the 2nd of 3 installments about the nine couples I interviewed who are celebrating 30 years of marriage. I hope you find their responses as insightful as I did. It was published in the Home News Tribune on July 15, 2008
When nine central New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were asked what is the secret of a 30-year marriage, most couples gave a one-word answer. Maybe they thought the question was, what is the "secret password" of a long-term marriage? It was intriguing that this question received quite brief answers. "Patience" (Heather and Arthur). "Endurance" (Leibe and Susan). "Communication" (Steven and Diana). "Respect" (Susie and Barry). And Mitch, with his wry sense of humor, responded: "Inertia."
Let's assume that you heard the old adage about what counts in real estate: location, location, location. Based on the majority of responses from these nine couples, the secret of a 30-year marriage is: compromise, compromise, compromise. This gets to the heart of marital longevity. Do couples with enduring marriages make the transition from "me" to "we" better than couples who don't? A marriage where compromise is a basic component will be able to change and evolve, since each marriage is a dynamic entity.
Dr. Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) refers to marriage as a "continual learning process." That's an important perspective, considering the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. Finances, geography and careers change as well. And changes in family size tend to have a direct affect on marital satisfaction (mostly negative). Leonard and Linda, in relating the secret of a 30-year marriage, repeated two well-known mantras: 1. Try to see things through each other's eyes. 2. No matter how upset you are, never go to bed without saying "goodnight" and "I love you."
The follow-up question was, What is the most important expectation(s) that you have of your spouse on a daily basis? One reason I asked this question has to do with some fascinating research from the University of North Carolina. Wouldn't you think that couples who have very high expectations of marriage tend to be disappointed if it fails to meet those expectations and that they will not have good marriages? Not true.
"Dr. Donald Baucom found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want." (Dr. John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 1999).
Mort and Lisa expect each other "to keep in touch on a daily basis." Surely, we hard-working Americans endure stress and anxiety each day. But, that shouldn't prevent us from seizing a few minutes to touch base with our "better half." Several couples warned of the problems that result from letting job frustration spill over into family life. Susan expects Leibe to come home each day and be happy to share in her day as well. Arthur and Heather expect each other to be "kind, friendly, considerate, caring, and sharing each day." Leonard and Linda want each other to be "trustworthy, honest, loving, and supportive."
Robin and Michael provided this insight: "We expect mutual interest and support in each other's trials and tribulations and a sense of pride and gratification in each other's successes and achievements." Robin added, "Our marriage has gotten progressively better with the last five to seven years being the absolute best!" (emphasis hers). When I dug deeper into their response, they stressed the importance of couples preparing themselves for children. Numerous research studies have shown a measurable decrease in marital satisfaction with the arrival of each child. Children are the most wonderful of blessings, but the reality is that they add significant stress to a marriage.
"Early in the marriage, you are still learning how it works," explained Robin, "and then child-rearing sort of gets in the way of developing your relationship." Robin and Michael made it through those difficult years of young children and new careers. Unfortunately, not all couples are as lucky. Robin's explanation of why the last five to seven years have been so marvelous: "Our children have grown up and are more independent, giving us more time for each other."
Last is the advice that Lisa and Mort give to their grown children in their search for the right spouse: "Look for a warm, caring spouse and someone who will be your best friend." It is no coincidence that John Gottman's research (1999) strongly emphasizes this same idea. "The determining factor," claims Gottman, "in whether wives feel satisfied with the passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. Some men and women come from the same planet, after all."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's Web site www.FamilyThinking.com or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
When nine central New Jersey couples who are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were asked what is the secret of a 30-year marriage, most couples gave a one-word answer. Maybe they thought the question was, what is the "secret password" of a long-term marriage? It was intriguing that this question received quite brief answers. "Patience" (Heather and Arthur). "Endurance" (Leibe and Susan). "Communication" (Steven and Diana). "Respect" (Susie and Barry). And Mitch, with his wry sense of humor, responded: "Inertia."
Let's assume that you heard the old adage about what counts in real estate: location, location, location. Based on the majority of responses from these nine couples, the secret of a 30-year marriage is: compromise, compromise, compromise. This gets to the heart of marital longevity. Do couples with enduring marriages make the transition from "me" to "we" better than couples who don't? A marriage where compromise is a basic component will be able to change and evolve, since each marriage is a dynamic entity.
Dr. Bill Doherty (University of Minnesota) refers to marriage as a "continual learning process." That's an important perspective, considering the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. Finances, geography and careers change as well. And changes in family size tend to have a direct affect on marital satisfaction (mostly negative). Leonard and Linda, in relating the secret of a 30-year marriage, repeated two well-known mantras: 1. Try to see things through each other's eyes. 2. No matter how upset you are, never go to bed without saying "goodnight" and "I love you."
The follow-up question was, What is the most important expectation(s) that you have of your spouse on a daily basis? One reason I asked this question has to do with some fascinating research from the University of North Carolina. Wouldn't you think that couples who have very high expectations of marriage tend to be disappointed if it fails to meet those expectations and that they will not have good marriages? Not true.
"Dr. Donald Baucom found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want." (Dr. John Gottman, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 1999).
Mort and Lisa expect each other "to keep in touch on a daily basis." Surely, we hard-working Americans endure stress and anxiety each day. But, that shouldn't prevent us from seizing a few minutes to touch base with our "better half." Several couples warned of the problems that result from letting job frustration spill over into family life. Susan expects Leibe to come home each day and be happy to share in her day as well. Arthur and Heather expect each other to be "kind, friendly, considerate, caring, and sharing each day." Leonard and Linda want each other to be "trustworthy, honest, loving, and supportive."
Robin and Michael provided this insight: "We expect mutual interest and support in each other's trials and tribulations and a sense of pride and gratification in each other's successes and achievements." Robin added, "Our marriage has gotten progressively better with the last five to seven years being the absolute best!" (emphasis hers). When I dug deeper into their response, they stressed the importance of couples preparing themselves for children. Numerous research studies have shown a measurable decrease in marital satisfaction with the arrival of each child. Children are the most wonderful of blessings, but the reality is that they add significant stress to a marriage.
"Early in the marriage, you are still learning how it works," explained Robin, "and then child-rearing sort of gets in the way of developing your relationship." Robin and Michael made it through those difficult years of young children and new careers. Unfortunately, not all couples are as lucky. Robin's explanation of why the last five to seven years have been so marvelous: "Our children have grown up and are more independent, giving us more time for each other."
Last is the advice that Lisa and Mort give to their grown children in their search for the right spouse: "Look for a warm, caring spouse and someone who will be your best friend." It is no coincidence that John Gottman's research (1999) strongly emphasizes this same idea. "The determining factor," claims Gottman, "in whether wives feel satisfied with the passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. Some men and women come from the same planet, after all."
"Be Counted" columnist Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage therapist in Highland Park. Respond to this column at Dr. Singer's Web site www.FamilyThinking.com or e-mail DrAlanSinger@aol.com "Be Counted" columnists are members of the public.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Love Never Fails by Robin Fisher (Star Ledger 7/11/08)
Looking toward celebrities as role models for family values? NOT
Click here to read the article in NJ's Star Ledger.
My letter to the editor:
Society would be best off not to look toward celebrities as role models for family values. The most tragic point in Ms. Fisher’s article is the 50% of marriages in the U.S. that end in divorce. One million divorces annually mean 2 million spouses and 1 million children per year. That’s 3 million new individuals each year coming to grips with divorce.
With respect to Mr. Schick, love is NOT all that you need. Spouses need to be committed to the institution of marriage as much as to each other. Second, infidelity does not always mean that a marriage must end. Last, regarding Mrs. Herdje’s comment, “You have to know when to cope, and when it’s time to give it up.” In my 30 years as a Family Therapist (except if there is abuse present) I am the last one in the room to give up on a marriage. Research has shown that 2/3 of American divorces involving children, are of couples in low-conflict marriages. Further, 86% of unhappily married people who stick it out, find that 5 years later, their marriages are happier.
Dr. Alan M. Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com
Click here to read the article in NJ's Star Ledger.
My letter to the editor:
Society would be best off not to look toward celebrities as role models for family values. The most tragic point in Ms. Fisher’s article is the 50% of marriages in the U.S. that end in divorce. One million divorces annually mean 2 million spouses and 1 million children per year. That’s 3 million new individuals each year coming to grips with divorce.
With respect to Mr. Schick, love is NOT all that you need. Spouses need to be committed to the institution of marriage as much as to each other. Second, infidelity does not always mean that a marriage must end. Last, regarding Mrs. Herdje’s comment, “You have to know when to cope, and when it’s time to give it up.” In my 30 years as a Family Therapist (except if there is abuse present) I am the last one in the room to give up on a marriage. Research has shown that 2/3 of American divorces involving children, are of couples in low-conflict marriages. Further, 86% of unhappily married people who stick it out, find that 5 years later, their marriages are happier.
Dr. Alan M. Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com
Children's Physical Activity Drops from Age 9 to 15 According to NIH
New research shows what we've known for many years. Television, computers...aka "screen time" are leading to a continual decrease in physical activity for children. Click here to read the NIH News release.
I pose the following question to parents: What statement will be more effective in getting your children to be more active? "Turn off that TV and go outside and play" or "Please join me in taking a walk now"
According to Dr. Philip Nader, author of the study, "Even walking for as few as 15 minutes a day would provide health benefits."
I pose the following question to parents: What statement will be more effective in getting your children to be more active? "Turn off that TV and go outside and play" or "Please join me in taking a walk now"
According to Dr. Philip Nader, author of the study, "Even walking for as few as 15 minutes a day would provide health benefits."
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Newsweek's "Having Kids Makes You Happy"
Newsweek (7/7/08) had a good article on children decreasing marital happiness, which is a known research finding. Click here to read the full article.
Here is my Letter to the Editor:
If the foundation of our society has become, “Am I happy enough”? then it is correct to assume that children will play a smaller role in our lives. In my 30 years as a Family Therapist, I have never encouraged couples to have a child and I am a very happy father of four children.
“To carry on the family name” or “because most couples have kids” are among the lousiest reasons I know, to have children. The desire to start a family must come from a deep longing that will withstand emotional stress, financial strain, and yes —even logic. Children bring a much deeper sense of fulfillment than one’s own personal level of happiness.
Dr. Alan M. Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com
Here is my Letter to the Editor:
If the foundation of our society has become, “Am I happy enough”? then it is correct to assume that children will play a smaller role in our lives. In my 30 years as a Family Therapist, I have never encouraged couples to have a child and I am a very happy father of four children.
“To carry on the family name” or “because most couples have kids” are among the lousiest reasons I know, to have children. The desire to start a family must come from a deep longing that will withstand emotional stress, financial strain, and yes —even logic. Children bring a much deeper sense of fulfillment than one’s own personal level of happiness.
Dr. Alan M. Singer
www.FamilyThinking.com
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