Eggshells or Estrangement: Not Much of a Choice

Here are two tales of estrangement. The first type is a parent cutting-off contact with a child following a divorce also referred to as parental alienation. The second is when an adult child ceases contact with a parent, sometimes for no apparent reason. This is especially agonizing when grandchildren are involved.

Researchers Gilligan, Suitor, and Pillemer‎’s studied estrangement and presented data in the August 2015 edition of the Journal of Marriage and Family.  One conclusion based on data from 2,013 mother-adult child dyads states, "The mother-daughter tie generally has been found to be the closest, most enduring, and mutually supportive of all parent-child gender combinations.” 

The Mother-Daughter Bond

Debora is a fifty-three year old nurse practitioner and mother of five living in Boston. She is estranged from her father and oldest brother, Jonathan. "My father had a temper and needed medication for mood disorders but never got them. He verbally abused my brother Mordy and me. After the divorce he said to us, "I don't need you; go to your mother and don't sit shiva for me." Deborah recounted, "I had such a lousy childhood because he stole it from me. The worst day of each year was camp visiting day; I dreaded it. There’s no hope of reconciliation and that is his loss. I might sit shiva for him though, because he did give me life.

“After my parents divorced, our house became a happy place. We coped by using humor, music and we attended therapy sessions. We laughed and acted hyper in the kitchen every night. We went through trauma together and got through it because my Mom, Mordy, and I had each other. ‎No one deserves more credit than Mom. Can you imagine the verbal and emotional abuse she endured and that she waited ten years for her Get, but she never badmouthed my father? She is selfless and kept all of her issues out of our view. At her recent birthday celebration, I proclaimed, Not only did my mother save our lives as drowning victims, she then taught us how to swim.” 

Deborah described, "Our oldest brother was brainwashed by our father and turned against us. I have the opposite perspective in describing Jonathan compared to my father. My lack of connection with my brother hurts me and touches a place deep in my heart. Ten years ago we were so scared because my brother was the victim of a life-threatening car accident. Even though we were estranged, my mother and I visited him in Massachusetts General Hospital. As we entered the hospital we were petrified: what if we would lose him? I held in my hand, the invitation to my wedding which would take place the following month, thinking it would give him something to live for. Can you believe it? He was rude to us and we felt no connection. Despite that I continued texting him for months to say happy birthday or Shana Tova. There were no replies until one day he wrote "don't text this number again." I admit, Dr. Singer, that I am quite resentful, but I daven that he should get better. I think to myself, it is over two decades of this nonsense, just get over it! Don't carry this into the next generation; get help and move on. It hurts because I care."

Debora concludes, "I live each day of my life to the fullest. I thank Hashem and appreciate that I have my large wonderful family. I run from arguments and stress. Thanks to my mother, Mordy and I have the necessary coping skills."

Cut-Off by Your Adult Child

To understand an adult child estranging a parent requires the expertise of Dr. Joshua Coleman author of When Parents Hurt. He asserts, "You can be a good parent and still end up with a child who wants nothing to do with you." Many parents have little or no contact with their adult children due to reasons that have less to do with poor parenting and more to do with issues of child temperament, the influence of a domineering spouse, or the fallout from parents who divorce. In my experience, a significant number of adult children who cut off contact with their parents are those described by the parent as "good” children who were not rebellious and did well in school.

What’s at the core of this type of estrangement? Blaming parents is one way to direct the blame away from the self and maintain a sense of self-esteem. Pathologizing their parents may be the only way to reduce the guilt or anxiety they feel about constructing a life without their parents involved.

During a Skype counseling session, Judy, a Houston-based real estate agent revealed to me, that her adult daughter will not accept any phone calls or texts from her. Her daughter sees a therapist weekly who likely nurtures this emotional cut-off. ‎Her emails end with Do Not Initiate Contact. “Do you know how much that hurts me?” Judy adds, "I really can’t think of a reason why this estrangement started in the first place."

I advise parents who I counsel to tread cautiously and if necessary walk on eggshells. ‎The real reason is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: your future grandchildren. You do not want to do anything to jeopardize your connection to your precious future generations.  

When parents believe that it's all their own fault Coleman maintains, "Don't give your child all the power in this discussion. You did the best that you could in parenting. If your child won't move forward, you move forward.‎ Simply ask your children, "What did I miss when raising you?" and then state: “whatever it is, I'm sorry."

I extrapolated nine action steps from Coleman's writings:

1. Do not sugar-coat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are, the more credibility you will gain.

‎2. If there is only a kernel of truth in your child's complaint, speak to that kernel.

3. Avoid guilt trips, they don’t work.

4. Hear your child out, don’t be defensive.

5. Don't give up too soon. You may need to reach out for a long time before you see an improvement in the relationship. 

6. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. 

7. If you don't want to (or cannot) give money or help, say it in a loving way so it does not appear to be a complaint or a criticism. 

8.‎ Don't criticize your child's spouse or significant other. 

9. Don't tell your child how to parent. You had your turn; let him/her have a turn.

Cut-Offs are a Form of Giving-Up

Colorado therapist Michele W. Davis is a colleague and an inspiration. At an in-service for couples therapist's she urged: If you want to help couples reconnect and have hope, you have to walk the talk. Don't allow yourself to have emotional cut-offs in your life. ‎Don't give yourself permission to quit speaking to a parent, sibling, or a child. Don't give up on any difficult relationship. Emotional cut-offs are a form of giving up. They happen when you tell yourself that nothing will ever change and you’re better off safe than sorry. Even if you feel safer, you know that there is a sadness which goes along with giving up and it is ever-present. Life eventually gives all of us important opportunities to learn how to rise above adversity. 

The navi best expresses the hopes of Klal Yisrael: “Behold, I will send you Eliyahu HaNavi before the coming of the great and awesome day of Hashem. And He shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents” (Malachi 3:23-24).

Dr. Alan Singer, a marriage therapist since 1980, has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink. He counsels via Skype, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). His motto: I am the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. Married for 39 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He serves on the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists   dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

Are We Able to Learn from Each Person? An Essay by Alan Singer

Teachers are empowered to transmit knowledge to students in their classrooms. Mr. Kreisberg, my science teacher, taught me that the pursuit of knowledge can be an adventure. Mrs. Greenberg, my English teacher, demonstrated that literature can be mind-expanding. And Dr. Hershkowitz’s semester of social psychology inspired me to change my career track.

          You don’t have to pay tuition to a prestigious school to encounter great teachers. The subject titled, Lessons for Your Life is taught to me frequently in Penn Station by Croissant Man, AM-New York man, and Guitar man. Croissant Man wants to sell you something, AM-New York man wants to give you something, and Guitar Man wants a donation from you.

          Whenever a morning person greets Croissant Man with, Hi Jim, how are you doing? He responds, “Another day”. I feel the intense boredom in his monotonal response.  But he brings himself to work every day in this stressful economy and I do respect him for that. Another day can be something you have to drag yourself through or another day can be the opportunity of your lifetime. “Rabbi Tarfon would say: The day is short and the work is considerable” (Pirkei Avos Ch. 2). If you skipped work for a day and only did Gimilut Chasadim (good deeds) for your family, friends and neighbors, think of how much you’d accomplish in one day. The take-home lesson: time, not money, is the real use it or lose it.

          AM-New York Man has a completely different attitude as he enthusiastically proclaims, “Good morning to you. Trust me….if you’re breathing, it’s a good morning!” How often do I step off my commuter train in the morning and express thanks to the Almighty that I am breathing? I am usually late for an appointment and some guy’s duffel bag just rolled over my foot as I jog to the subway, which probably just left the station. AM-New York Man gives me a lot more than a free paper each morning. When you have your health and another day, you have the world. The take-home lesson is the Dayenu principle of life, as explained by my life-long teacher Rabbi Shlomo Riskin: Zero in on what you have in life; not what you’re missing.

          Guitar Man sings rock and roll music all day long and never exhausts. His open guitar case has some coins, some dollar bills, and a sign that reads, “I’m a street musician - too weird to live, too mean to die.” I don’t know what his sign means and I have never recognized even one of his tunes. 

          I have never seen such perseverance in a man and that inspires me. He stands in his corner of Penn Station, enthusiastically singing and strumming from sun-up to sun-down, even if his audience is only one person. I admire passion when I see it and doing what you love all day is a display of passion. As I put a dollar bill in his guitar case, he smiles and sings the words, “Thank you brother, now you go have some fun….promise me”. The take-home lesson: persevere in what you love.

          Although my walking by the three professors of Penn Station is random, I found that the sequence of their messages is meaningful:  

Do I use my time wisely?

Do I appreciate what I have?

Am I passionate about what I do?

I have accomplished a lot, and it is not even 9 AM. I never imagined my daily commute could be so stimulating. What an unlikely school in which to encounter such exemplary teachers. Ben Zoma asks: Who is wise? The one who learns from every person; as it is written (Psalms 119:99) I have gained understanding from all my teachers (Pirkei Avos Ch. 4).

 

Dr. Alan Singer is a marriage and family therapist in New Jersey and New York City. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink. He is listed on the National Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists. He counsels via Skype, blogs at www.FamilyThinking.com and is the author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). Married for thirty-nine years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children    dralansinger@gmail.com  (732) 572-2707