The Overlooked Effects of Grandparental Divorce By Dr. Alan M. Singer, PhD

 Do You Think Your Grandparents’ Marriage Doesn’t Affect Yours?

Think Again!

It doesn’t seem logical and it certainly isn’t fair. Could my grandparents’ divorce have a negative impact on my marriage? There is merit however, in this finding together with research to back it up. Dr. Paul Amato studied the long reach of divorce across three generations during a twenty-year timespan. This unique study explored how grandparental divorce specifically impacts grandchildren across a variety of variables: education, marital discord, divorce, relations with parents, and well-being. Interesting that fewer than 10% of grandchildren in the study had been born during the time that their grandparents divorced, and yet the effects of the divorce still seemed to have a significant impact on this generation. Who would imagine that grandparental divorce could impact future generations that weren’t even born at the time of the divorce?

Important research on the intergenerational transmission of divorce has been provided by researchers such as Dr. Nicholas Wolfinger. I recommend his book, Understanding the Divorce Cycle, in which the author discusses the impacts on children of divorce in their own marriages with respect to both how they view marriage and the sustainability of relationships.

As Dr. Scott Sibley wrote for the Institute of Family Studies: While we may be finally seeing a decrease in gray divorce, I think the mistaken assumption often made by older parents is now that their children have grown and left the nest, divorce simply won’t be as hurtful or disruptive. I would encourage older couples considering divorce to seek therapy and consider the long-term consequences to their adult children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. The greatest gift parents can give their children and their grandchildren is a loving and committed marriage (2018).

As a parent of children who have experienced the divorce of their friends’ older parents, and as a couple’s therapist, the following are my recommendations for children whose parents are divorcing:

Reassure children about the strength of your own marriage and your personal commitment to their mother or father. If your marriage is feeling flat, work on making it vibrant again. Dr. William Doherty contends that “Marriage with the long view comes with the conviction that nothing will break us up, that we will fight through whatever obstacles get in our way, that if the boat gets swamped, we will bail it out, we will recalibrate our individual goals if they get out of alignment, we will share leadership for maintaining and renewing our marriage, we will renovate our marriage if the current version gets stale, that if we fight too much or too poorly, we will learn to fight better, that we will accept each other’s weaknesses that can’t be fixed, and that we will take care of each other in our old age.”

Listen to your children and learn to recognize their perspective (aka empathy). Your children are perceptive and may be feeling anxious about relationships, especially if they recognize how much emotional pain you have experienced from parental divorce.

Finally, be willing to talk to your children about your parents’ marriage and what went wrong. Each of us can become more resilient when we recognize what not to do in relationships.

A Word to Older Couples Contemplating Divorce

Not all marriages can be saved; abuse, addiction, and affairs are reasons when divorce may be the best option. Numerous studies indicate that two thirds of the annual 674K divorces in the U.S. are those in which spouses have become emotionally distant, with a tendency to blame their former spouse and not themselves, for the problems they faced. Any relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die. However, when partners are dedicated to the relationship and united in making their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome. One of my mentors insists, It takes teamwork to make the dream work. And, The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

For those contemplating a divorce once the children are grown, it is important to carefully consider the short and long-term consequences of that decision. Talk with your spouse about the relational legacy that you want to leave with your children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. If you choose to get divorced today, how might this impact their lives? Many of the couples I have worked with in therapy that chose to divorce, later regretted that decision.

There Is Hope

In graduate school, we therapists were taught to be “hope mongers”. According to new research from Amato, for most couples that stay the course, marriage tends to get better over time. For the future of marriage and the strength of family relationships, each of us should be consciously aware of how our actions can impact future generations. May we stay committed to our own relationship and have the courage and foresight to strengthen our children, thus preparing them for their own marriages.

 

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. He counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). Married 48 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter at the NEFESH International Conference. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press    dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

 

My Fear That You Won’t Seek Help for Estrangement

                Estrangement is commonly defined as the intentional choice by one or more relatives to end contact because of an ongoing negative relationship. Primarily based on emotions, not facts, estrangement can bring unimaginable heartbreak to families.  

I implore you to seek help if the above describes you, as the numbers are staggering. Twenty-seven percent of Americans eighteen and older have cut off contact with a family member: 10% parent/child, 8% siblings, 9% extended family (i.e. grandparents and cousins).  

A woman living in the Midwest has not spoken to her son and his wife for seven years because she asked her daughter-in-law to bring a specific dessert to a family gathering. The daughter-in-law deliberately brought the same one that the woman had baked. The mother-in-law interpreted the dessert as a symbol of total disrespect (Catherine St Louis, Dec. 2017). 

Another story describes denying access to grandchildren reflecting estrangement from adult children who act as the gate-keeper “middle” generation. Dr. Pat Hanson had been seeing her granddaughter monthly until she was four years old, when her mother separated from Dr. Hanson's son. The mother halted visitation and stopped answering phone calls. Dr. Hanson does not even know their address. She has composed hundreds of letters to her granddaughter (now seventeen), and they are kept in a wooden box. She holds on to the hope that "One day she will want to search for her roots and will look me up" (Paula Span, July 2020).  

Are these cut-offs driven by the expectation that parents, not children are primarily responsible for maintaining the parent-child relationship? Perhaps. Some of the stressful experiences and circumstances that contribute to parent-child estrangement include: psychological abuse/neglect, poor parenting, betrayal, parental incarceration, drug abuse, disagreements, politics, and matters relating to business, inheritance, and money. Other factors include: feeling a lack of support, acceptance, or love from the estranged family member. Sometimes there are differences in values and the feeling that a family member’s behavior is toxic (Lucy Blake 2017).     

Cornell Sociologist Dr. Karl Pillemer adds these pathways to estrangement: harsh parenting, parental favoritism, and parental divorce. Another discovery of Pillemer is that long simmering family feuds may culminate in a "volcanic event". Often when this occurs, one family member declares "I'm done.” People who are estranged feel deep sadness and long for reconnection. Oh, how they wish they could turn back the clock and act differently to prevent a rift. 

Desperately, parents try to maintain contact by making phone calls that are not answered and sending letters, texts, and emails that are ignored. Cards and gifts that are sent for life cycle events are returned to the sender unopened. A common theme for both parents and adult children is loss. Parents lose their voice as they cannot apologize and try to make things right or find out why the estrangement happened in the first place. Adult children feel the loss of family and miss the emotional, financial, and practical support.  

Why try counseling with a licensed therapist? For starters, if you currently have no relationship whatsoever with a given family member, and the goal is to regain “some type of connection”, go for it. The goal is not "all is forgiven"; whatever steps you take to forgive will lift a burden from your shoulders. Dr. Janis Spring explains there are degrees of forgiveness; it is not a black or white decision.   

One goal is to take positive steps toward opening a line of communication. Here is the model that I use when coordinating reconciliation for family estrangement. I firmly establish with the family members that my office is a blame-free zone and a shame-free zone. Anyone who makes disparaging comments or raises their voice will be muted on the Zoom call. Repeat offenders will be placed back in the Zoom waiting room until they calm down. 

Next, I use the principles of Discernment Counseling, which combine solo time with joint-session time. The primary goal is not to fix the issues, but rather to determine if the issues are fixable. I suggest to the person who calls me that they should reach out to their estranged family member with this message: "I’m inviting you to explore the idea of opening communication between us with Dr. Singer acting as a moderator to create a safe space and I will pay for the session. Can the three of us meet via ZOOM and talk about positive change?"

In sessions, I do my best to offer practical advice. I suggest to family members that they should not expect their relative to change to meet their expectations. It is their expectations that may need to change.  

Pillemer believes that time spent waiting for an apology is time that is wasted. He concludes: "Focus on building a new future that can eclipse the past!" Those who are able to reconcile have one main strategy: to abandon the need for the estranged relative to accept their version of the past and apologize. They focus on the present and future of the relationship. They adopt realistic expectations about the other person rather than trying to change them. Reconcilers come to understand their own role, i.e. engaging in self-examination about their own level of responsibility.   

Even unsuccessful attempts to reconcile sometimes lead to greater peace of mind. How so? According to Dr. Pillemer, most individuals felt much better after the reconciliation even if it was not perfect. There was a sense that it might be difficult, but they weren't carrying that "backpack" around anymore; a substantial weight was lifted off their shoulders.  

The Prophet Malachi (3:23) best expresses the hopes of Israel: “Behold, I will send you Elijah the Prophet before the coming of the great and awesome day of God. And he shall turn the hearts of the parents to the children and the hearts of the children to their parents.”

Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in NJ & NY since 1980 with an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. He coordinates reconciliation for family estrangement, is a Certified Discernment Counselor, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and is author of the book, Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley). All sessions use ZOOM. His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. dralansinger@gmail.com (732) 572-2707

Dr. Alan Singer Achieves Certification As a Discernment Counselor

Discernment counseling is a protocol for treating mixed-agenda couples where one is leaning out of the relationship and is reluctant to work on it in therapy, and the other wants to save the relationship. Studies suggest that as many of 30% of couples presenting for couples therapy fall into the mixed-agenda category, and they present a significant challenge for couple’s therapists because our models assume a basic willingness to try therapy and to stay in the relationship for the time being. Discernment counseling is intended for couples who once made a lifetime commitment, whether legally married or not. It’s not for couples considering whether to commit.

Goal: greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about the future of their marriage, based on a deeper understanding of what’s happened to their marriage and each person’s contributions to the problems.

2. A clear distinction between discernment counseling and couples therapy. No couple interventions occur in discernment counseling and no experiential enactments during sessions. The “deeper” work occurs during one-to-one conversations with each partner.

3. Distinctive structure: • Short term: 1-5 sessions. Preferably weekly. A decision made each time whether to meet again. • Two hour opening session. 1.5 hour follow up sessions. Both partners come for all sessions. • Session flow: first part with the couple, then separate conversations with each partner followed by a brief sharing of something learned during the individual time, and then couple together at the end. Confidentiality guideline for individual conversation: the discernment counselor does not share the specifics of what each spouse says, but is free to share impressions and reactions to each spouse when talking to the other. • Insist that both spouses come for each session, even though they each spend part of the session in the waiting room.

4. Focus on decision making about three paths: the marriage as it has been (path one), separation/ divorce (path two), or a six month reconciliation period with an all-out effort in couples therapy (and using other resources), with divorce off the table—and then a decision about the long term future (path three)

5. Use different approaches with leaning in and leaning out partners • Leaning out: Help them make a decision based on more a complex understanding of the marriage and their own role in its problems and potential future • Leaning in: Help them bring best self to the crisis, not make things worse, get what the other spouse is saying, and work on self. 

6. Outcomes: Path three: launching couples therapy (usually but not always with the discernment counselor); Path two: move towards divorce; or Path one: stay on hold for now—neither divorce nor start couples therapy 

7. Study of 100 consecutive discernment counseling cases: 48% chose path three, 42% path two, 12% path one. About 40% of the total sample were still married two years after discernment counseling. Ref. Doherty, Harris, & Wilde (2016)