Think
Again!
It doesn’t seem logical and it certainly isn’t fair. Could my grandparents’ divorce have a negative impact on my marriage? There is merit however, in this finding together with research to back it up. Dr. Paul Amato studied the long reach of divorce across three generations during a twenty-year timespan. This unique study explored how grandparental divorce specifically impacts grandchildren across a variety of variables: education, marital discord, divorce, relations with parents, and well-being. Interesting that fewer than 10% of grandchildren in the study had been born during the time that their grandparents divorced, and yet the effects of the divorce still seemed to have a significant impact on this generation. Who would imagine that grandparental divorce could impact future generations that weren’t even born at the time of the divorce?
Important research on the intergenerational
transmission of divorce has been provided by researchers such as Dr. Nicholas
Wolfinger. I recommend his book, Understanding the Divorce Cycle, in
which the author discusses the impacts on children of divorce in their own
marriages with respect to both how they view marriage and the sustainability of
relationships.
As Dr. Scott Sibley wrote for the Institute of Family
Studies: While we may be finally seeing a decrease in gray divorce, I think
the mistaken assumption often made by older parents is now that their children
have grown and left the nest, divorce simply won’t be as hurtful or disruptive.
I would encourage older couples considering divorce to seek therapy and
consider the long-term consequences to their adult children, grandchildren, and
even great-grandchildren. The greatest gift parents can give their
children and their grandchildren is a loving and committed marriage (2018).
As a parent of children who have experienced the
divorce of their friends’ older parents, and as a couple’s therapist, the
following are my recommendations for children whose parents are divorcing:
Reassure children about the strength of
your own marriage and your personal commitment to their mother or father.
If your marriage is feeling flat, work on making it vibrant again. Dr. William
Doherty contends that “Marriage with
the long view comes with the conviction that nothing will break us up,
that we will fight through whatever obstacles get in our way, that if the boat
gets swamped, we will bail it out, we will recalibrate our individual goals if
they get out of alignment, we will share leadership for maintaining and
renewing our marriage, we will renovate our marriage if the current version
gets stale, that if we fight too much or too poorly, we will learn to fight
better, that we will accept each other’s weaknesses that can’t be fixed, and
that we will take care of each other in our old age.”
Listen to your children and learn to
recognize their perspective (aka empathy). Your children are
perceptive and may be feeling anxious about relationships, especially if they
recognize how much emotional pain you have experienced from parental divorce.
Finally, be willing to
talk to your children about your parents’ marriage and what went wrong.
Each of us can become more resilient when we recognize what not to
do in relationships.
A
Word to Older Couples Contemplating Divorce
Not all marriages can be saved; abuse, addiction, and
affairs are reasons when divorce may be the best option. Numerous studies
indicate that two thirds of the annual 674K divorces in the U.S. are
those in which spouses have become emotionally distant, with a tendency to
blame their former spouse and not themselves, for the problems they faced. Any
relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die.
However, when partners are dedicated to the relationship and united in making
their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome. One
of my mentors insists, It takes teamwork to make the dream work. And, The
grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
For those contemplating a divorce once the children
are grown, it is important to carefully consider the short and long-term
consequences of that decision. Talk with your spouse about the relational
legacy that you want to leave with your children, grandchildren, and even
great-grandchildren. If you choose to get divorced today, how might this impact
their lives? Many of the couples I have worked with in therapy that chose
to divorce, later regretted that decision.
There
Is Hope
In graduate school, we therapists were taught to be “hope
mongers”. According to new research from Amato, for most couples that stay the
course, marriage tends to get better over time. For the future of
marriage and the strength of family relationships, each of us should be
consciously aware of how our actions can impact future generations. May we
stay committed to our own relationship and have the courage and foresight to
strengthen our children, thus preparing them for their own marriages.
Dr. Alan Singer has been a marriage therapist in New
Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages
of couples on the brink of divorce. He is a Certified Discernment Counselor,
and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond
Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate
School of Social Work. His mantra:
I’ll
be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. He
counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book, Creating
Your Perfect Family Size (Wiley).
Married 48 years, he and his
wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent
presenter at the NEFESH International Conference. His essays are featured in
AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link, and the Jewish Press dralansinger@gmail.com
(732) 572-2707
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